UPON TERMS.
(A Forensic Drama of the Future.)
[In a recent trial, Mr. Justice Hawkins corrected a learned Counsel who talked about Witnesses "coming up to the scratch.">[
The Judge (taking his seat). I think, Mr. Smallfee, that you were examining a Witness when we adjourned yesterday. Are you ready to go on with the examination?
Mr. Smallfee (pleasantly). I am sorry to say that Witness has not turned up yet, m'Lud!
The Judge (pained). Not what?
Mr. Smallfee. I beg your Lordship's pardon. Of course what I meant was that the Witness has not, as yet, condescended to irradiate the precincts of this tribunal with the sunshine of his presence.
The Judge. That's better! Then we must go on to the next Witness.
Mr. Smallfee (with an evident attempt to keep up his spirits, in spite of misfortune). The next Witness, also, I regret to say, has not turned——I mean, has failed to appear. The Solicitor informs me that he solemnly promised to attend; but I suppose the promise was all my eye.
The Judge. Dear, dear! What extraordinary expressions you do use, Mr. Smallfee! All my eye! Perhaps you will kindly interpret the phrase, for the benefit of the Court.
Mr. Smallfee (desperately). As your Lordship pleases! But, as I feel rather down in the mouth now, and as the twelve sufferers in the Jury-box evidently think that this trial has lasted long enough already, and that we ought to stir our stumps, I would suggest——
The Judge. Usher! Step across to Booksellers' Row, and buy me a Slang Dictionary! I cannot—I really cannot follow the learned Counsel.
The Foreman (interposing). We do not object to colloquial expressions, my Lord. Y' see, we're a Common Jury, and we rather like them. All we want to do is to get on with the case. And perhaps it may assist the Court if at this stage I remark that the Jury has quite made up its mind, and is ready to give its verdict.
The Judge (astounded). But—but—there has been no evidence for the defence!
The Foreman (calmly). No, my Lord. But no doubt the learned Counsel's two Witnesses, had they been present, would have supplied some; and, anyhow, we are so pleased with his talking down to our level, and not—as usual—over our heads, that we are all agreed to find a verdict for his client, the Defendant.
Mr. Smallfee (bowing). Thanks for your good opinion, Gentlemen. I thought, by the cut of your jibs, you were the right sort.
[Winks, in passing out.
The Judge. And this is what the Law has come to! Call on the next case!
New Proverb (for the use of the Panama Cheque-takers).—"The game is not worth the Scandal."
