ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, March 25.—Impossible to avoid noticing depression of the Markiss when he entered House to-night. At first thought feelings of a father had overcome him. Cranborne, immediately after eloquent and energetic attack in other House of Welsh Disestablishment Bill, was struck down by indisposition, reported to be measles. That all very well. Do not wish to suggest anything wrong; but coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the Member for Sark tells me, can be conveyed in various apparently innoxious guises. In a controversy so acrid that George Osborne Morgan has been publicly accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths. At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connect Cranborne's sudden indisposition with current controversy. But if this mysterious attack is followed by symptoms of croup, rickets, teething, or any other complaint usually associated with happy days in the nursery, the public will know what to think.
Happily it turned out that the depression of the Markiss had nothing to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of men whom Lord Chancellor, conscious that Cobb's eye is upon him, has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says the Markiss; "self-made men. But unfortunately the process of self-manufacture does not include knowledge of the statutes at large." There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step without having sixteen volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the benevolent and thoughtful Markiss suggested was, that in all future legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament referred to in text of Bill.
House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to be more than ordinarily ashamed.
Business done.—More speech-making round Welsh Disestablishment Bill in Commons. Direfully dull.
House of Commons, Tuesday.—"Speakers may come, and Speakers may go," said the Member for Sark, "but as long as the House of Commons produces men like Vicary Gibbs the institution is safe, and the State rocks safely on its everlasting foundations. It was, you will remember, Vicary who directly, though undesignedly, led to the row on that famous night in June when Home-Rule Committee was closured. Vicary shares with Heaven the peculiarity that order is his first law. On that particular night somebody had said something, and Vicary wanted to have his words taken down. Amid growing uproar his observations were inaudible to the Chair, and his presence undistinguishable. Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat. Vicary, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire in Mellor's left ear. Then Logan suddenly loomed large on the scene. Hayes Fisher reached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on to Saunderson's knee, and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos; all arising out of Vicary Gibbs's insatiable, uncontrollable desire to have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order."
These musings on the mighty past were occasioned by Vicary once more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectively, interposing as the custodian of order. Weir broken out in epidemic of questions; puts down eleven on the paper; runs them up to the full score by supplementary questions, invariably prefaced by the formula "Is the right hon. gentleman A. Weir that——?" A poor joke, its only flash of humour being in the subtly varied tone with which the Speaker eleven times pronounced the words, "Mr. Weir." Also grotesquely funny to hear the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in which Weir, with tragic sweep of pince-nez on to his nose, said in succession, "Ques-ti-on one," "Ques-ti-on two," and so on.
Touch of tragedy came in when Vicary, managing to throw into tone and form of question conviction that Squire of Malwood was secretly at bottom of the whole business, asked him whether this was not abuse of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of valuable privilege. No use Squire assuming air of innocence. House knew all about it. Refreshed and revived by Vicary's timely vindication of law and order, proceeded to business.
Business done.—Fourth night's Debate on Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. The still prevalent dulness varied by speech from Plunket; witched the House by music of stately though simple eloquence.
Thursday.—Desperate dulness of week further relieved by discovery of new game. Tommy Bowles, Inv. House just got into Committee of Supply; Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee of Supply deals with Army Estimates, Cawmell-Bannerman and the Winsome Woodall in their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore. Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest at liberty.
To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to stop away—all but the faithful Hibbert. Cap'en Tommy, as usual, aloft in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling on the bowline, and making all taut, he bore down swiftly on the Treasury Bench, and hailed it for the President of the Board of Trade. Wanted to talk to Bryce, he said, about lighthouses. No one knew better than Tommy that Bryce wasn't aboard. According to regulations, he ought to have been. Search made for him. Presently brought in with hands in pockets, trying to whistle, and otherwise present appearance of indifference. But a poor show.
Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming Exhibitions.
Encouraged by this success, Private Hanbury, observing Robertson was among absentees, addressed question to Civil Lord of Admiralty about Peterhead Harbour. Hibbert's agony of mind at this juncture would have softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench. Robertson, not within sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent. Francis Powell, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress. Mellor declined to put question.
"Very well," said the Blameless Bartley, with air of martyr. "We must go on talking about Peterhead Harbour till the Minister comes in."
So he did, and when he ran dry Tomlinson (having meanwhile ascertained where Peterhead Harbour is) took up the wondrous tale. Talking when Hibbert reappeared, his breast now swelling with maternal pride and satisfaction. He had found the lost chick, and clucked low notes of supreme content as he brought him back to the roost. Pretty to see how, Civil Lord in his place, all interest in Peterhead Harbour subsided, Busy B's turning their attention to alleged felonious underrating of Government property.
Business done.—Vote on Account through Committee. Sir John Leng calls Asquith's attention to dangerous occupation of lion-tamers. "All very well," he says, "for doughty knight like me. But these poor fellows with families shouldn't be allowed to run risks."
Friday Night.—"What's the business at to-night's sitting?" asked Squire of Malwood, looking over Orders of the Day. "Home Rule all round? Very well. Shall give practical proof of adherence to principle by stopping at home."
John Morley did same, most other Ministers following suit. Cawmel-Bannerman sacrificed himself on altar of country. But insisted that he might at least dine out in interval between morning and evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. His snowy shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolate Treasury Bench. Prince Arthur, not to be outdone in chivalry, also looked in after dinner, brightening up Front Bench opposite Minister for War. But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two gentlemen in evening dress a festive party. Trevelyan only man in earnest, and he terribly so.
Business done.—Home Rule all round decreed by majority of 26 in House of 230.