A FRIEND AT A PINCH.
(An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported.")
Scene—A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench.
His Lordship (angrily). No, Mr. Bands, I really cannot agree with you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt your own.
Experienced Counsel (politely). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client.
His Lordship. No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can never be anything else.
Exp. C. Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so plain—the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it.
His Lordship (with much irony). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr. Bands, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I confess I cannot see it at all.
Exp. C. I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest and most brilliant intellect.
His Lordship (mollified). There is a good deal in what you say, Mr. Bands, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy.
Exp. C. With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would humbly suggest that there is a remedy.
His Lordship. Can you quote a case?
Exp. C. I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion.
His Lordship. Has it been reported?
Exp. C. Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice Russell of Killowen has laid it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain, predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases.
[Offers snuff-box to the Judge.
His Lordship (after taking a pinch). Well, certainly the point you have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (After a few moments of consideration.) I will reserve the case for further consideration, and will deliver judgment later.
Exp. C. As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my authorities to your Lordship.
His Lordship (receiving snuff-box). You are very good. I will not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff."
[Scene closes upon mutual courtesies.
"Oh, I'm glad you've got a Piano in the Rooms! What is it?—a Broadwood?"
"No, Mum. Myogh'ny!"