PERSISTENCE OF THE MILITARY.
In pre-war days, when one's health was tested at the order of a verbally polite but fundamentally distrustful insurance company, the examination was a pleasant affair, conducted by a benign old gentleman who behaved like one's own family physician.
Now all that is changed. I lately took the liberty of offering to bet a Company that I would not live for ever, in spite of my present rude health. In reply I was invited "to meet our medical advisers at our office."
I arrived obediently at the appointed time and was ushered into a room in which sat behind a table two elderly gentlemen of ultra-military appearance. When, later, they addressed each other as "Colonel" and "Major" I knew that they were civilian dug-outs militarised by the War.
Colonel drew himself up and spoke to me in a C.O. voice: "Well, what is the general state of your health?"
I felt that it was up to me to play the old war-game, even if it ruined my chance of getting insured. I therefore started to enumerate the various minor ailments from which I suffered.
"To begin with," I explained, "I've sprained my wrist rather badly and—"
"That won't prevent your holding a rifle," interrupted Colonel severely.
"Then," I continued, "sometimes I have a headache."
"Ah," said Major, "and I suppose when you run uphill your heart palpitates like a pea in a drum?"
"Yes," I replied quickly, "it does do that. How did you know?"
Major laughed a laugh such as Hindenburg himself might have delivered. It was cold and mirthless and must have hurt his face.
"Come," said Colonel sharply, "let's have no more of this humbug. Drink and smoke less and keep yourself fit; and don't come whining before us, complaining of this and that. A few route marches will soon set you up."
"But, seriously," I objected, "my health is not of the best and I feel I ought to warn you that there are slight disabilities in my constitution which——"
"Which make you," interjected Major, "of course unfit to do your duty." His voice was like steel wire and I hated him.
"Very well, then," I answered calmly, "I will say no more."
"You'd better not," roared Colonel. "It's no use your thinking you can impose on us. I've marked you down A1. I'm sick to death of you fellows who try to get behind a doctor directly your comfort is threatened. That disposes of your case. About—turn!"
Mechanically I left their presence....
I don't know what the Insurance Company will make of it when they find all their candidates passed as first-class lives. Somebody ought to tell these doctors that the War is over.