GRANT’S MEDITATIONS AMONG THE COFFEE-CUPS.
We had long considered ourselves the funniest dogs in Christendee; and, in the plenitude of our vanity, imagined that we monopolised the attention and admiration of the present and the future. We expected to be deified, and thus become the founders of a new mythology. PUNCH must be immortal! But how shorn of his pristine splendour—how denuded of his fancied glories! for the John Bull has discovered—
GRANT’S LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE.
Wretched as we must be at this reflection, we generously resort to—our scissors, and publish our own discomfiture.
In alluding to the author’s description of the London dining-room, the John Bull remarks:—
It will bring comfort to the savage bosoms of the late Ministry, for whose especial information we must make a few more extracts, concerning coffee-houses, or shops, as they are mostly termed.
COFFEE SHOPS.
The second class of coffee-houses, and those I have particularly in my eye, are altogether different from those I have just mentioned. The prices are remarkably moderate in most of these places; the charge is no more than three-halfpence for half a pint of coffee, or threepence for a whole pint. The price of half a pint of tea is twopence, of a whole pint fourpence. If you simply ask bread to your tea or coffee, two large slices, well buttered, are brought you, for which you are charged twopence. Or should you prefer having a penny roll, or any other sort of bread, you can have it at the same price as at the baker’s.
In most coffee-houses, you may also have chops or steaks for dinner. If the party be a rigid economist(!) he may, as regards some of these establishments, purchase his steak or chop himself, and it will be prepared gratuitously for him; but if that be too much trouble for him to take, and he prefers ordering it at once, he will get, in many houses, his chop with bread and potatoes with it for sixpence, and his steak for ninepence or tenpence.
These coffee-houses have many advantages over hotels, besides the great difference in the prices charged. In the first place, there is not so much formality or affected dignity about them, and they are far better provided with means of rational amusement; and the promptitude with which a customer is served is really surprising.
Are not these passages declarations of the individual? Winding himself up with twopenny-worth of cheese! Pleading for the additional penny for the waitress, whose personal charms and obliging disposition must be considered to extort the amount! And above all, unable to conceive any motive, except aversion to trouble, for disliking to carry “his chop” upon a skewer through the streets of London. How every line revels in the recollection of having dined, and speaks how seldom! while the well-buttered bread infers the usual fare. Still it is not meanly written. There are a glorying and exultation in every word that redeem it, and show the author is more to be envied than compassionated; though a little further on we perceive the shifts to which his homeless state has reduced him.
MEDITATION IN LONDON.
You can order, if you please, a cup of coffee without anything to it; and, for so doing, you may sit if you wish for five or six hours in succession.
I have said that coffee-houses are excellent places for reading; I might have added, for meditation also. For unlike public-houses, there are no noisy discussions and disputes in them. All is calm, tranquil, and comfortable. The beverage, too, which is drank as a beverage, as I before remarked in a previous chapter, cheers, but not inebriates.
The remarks are generally equally original, and the facts, no doubt in some degree truths, are all alike humorous; the more so when the aspect of the book and the names of the respectable publishers suggest the higher class of readers to whom it is addressed. Little anecdotes are interspersed, concerning Harriet, of Coventry-street, who didn’t mind her stops; and James, behind the Mansion-house, who knew everybody’s appetite, that enliven the descriptive portions of the work, which is in its very inappropriateness the more amusing, and cannot be read without reaping both information and instruction on topics which no other author would have had the temerity to discuss.
But these are only words. Let PUNCH, the rival of this Caledonian Asmodeus, do justice to the man whose “character is stamped on every page (of his own), who yet is above pity; poor, yet full of enjoyment; humble, yet glorious; ignorant, yet confident.”
GRANT’S MEDITATIONS AMONG THE COFFEE-CUPS.
THE MONEY MARKET.
Tin is 14 per cwt. in London, and this, allowing a fraction for wear and tear, gives an exchange of 94 36-27ths in favour of Hamburgh.
The money market is much easier this week, and bills (play-bills) were to be had in large quantities. A large capitalist who holds turnpike tickets to a large amount, caused much confusion by letting some pass from his hands, when they flew about with alarming rapidity. Several persons seemed desirous of taking them up, but a rush of bulls (from Smithfield) rendered this quite impossible.
Whitechapel scrip was done at 000 premium; but in the course of the day 00000 discount was freely offered.
This was settling day, when many parties paid the scores they had been running at the cook-shop opposite. There was only one defaulter, and as it was not anticipated he would come up to the mark; for he had been chalking up rather largely of late: nothing was said about it.
A DICTIONARY FOR THE LADIES.
PUNCH,
Solicitous to maintain and enhance that reputation for gallantry towards his fair readers which it has ever been his pride to have merited, has much pleasure, not unmixed with self-congratulation, in thus announcing to the loveliest portion of the creation the immediate appearance of
A DICTIONARY ENTIRELY AND EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEIR USE;
in which the signification of every word will he given in a strictly feminine sense, and the orthography, as a point of which ladies like to be properly independent, will be studiously suppressed. The whole to be compiled and edited by
MADAME PUNCH.
To which will be appended a little Manual addressed confidentially by PUNCH himself to the Ladies, and entitled
TEN MINUTES’ ADVICE ON THE CARE AND USE OF A HUSBAND;
or “what to ask, and how to insist upon it, so that the obstreperous bridegroom may become a meek and humble husband.”
SPECIMEN OF THE WORK.
Husband.—A person who writes cheques, and dresses as his wife directs.
Duck, in ornithology.—A trussed bridegroom, with his giblets under his arm.
Brute.—A domestic endearment for a husband.
Marriage.—The only habit to which women are constant.
Lover.—Any young man but a brother-in-law.
Clergyman.—One alternative of a lover.
Brother.—The other alternative.
Honeymoon.—A wife’s opportunity.
Horrid; Hideous.—Terms of admiration elicited by the sight of a lovely face anywhere but in the looking-glass.
Nice; Dear.—Expressions of delight at anything, from a baby to a barrel-organ.
Appetite.—A monstrous abortion, which is stifled in the kitchen, that it may not exist during dinner.
Wrinkle.—The first thing one lady sees in another’s face.
Time.—What any lady remarks in a watch, but what none detect in the gross.
SOUP, A LA JULIEN.
A correspondent of the Sunday Times proposes to raise ten thousand for the benefit of the labouring classes, in the following manner:—
“Upon a prima facie view, my suggestion may appear impracticable, but I am sure the above amount could be raised for the benefit of the labouring classes by one effort of royalty—an effort that would make our valued Queen invaluable, and, at the same time, afford the Ministry an opportunity of making themselves popular in the cause of their country’s good. Westminster Hall is acknowledged to be the largest room in the empire, and, with very little expense, might be fitted up with a temporary throne, &c., for promenade concerts, for one, two, or three, days. All the vocal and instrumental talent of the day would be obtained gratis, and Her Most Gracious Majesty’s presence, for only two hours on each day, with the admission tickets at one guinea, would produce more money than I have mentioned.” Would the above amiable philanthropist favour us with his likeness? We imagine it would be a splendid
FANCY PORTRAIT OF HOOKEY WALKER.
POLITICAL INTELLIGENCE.
SIR ROBERT PEEL was observed to put a penny into the hands of the man at the crossing in Downing-street. It is anticipated, from this trifling circumstance, that sweeping measures will be introduced on the assembling of Parliament.
A deputation from the marrow-bones and cleavers waited on Lord Stanley at the Treasury. His lordship listened attentively for some minutes, and then abruptly left the apartment in which he had been sitting.
We understand that Colonel Sibthorp intends proposing an economical plan of church extension, that is to cost nothing to the public; for it suggests that churches should be built of Indian rubber, by which their extension would become a matter of the greatest facility.
It is rumoured that the deficiency in the revenue is to be made up by a tax on the incomes of literary men; and a per-centage on the profits of Martinuzzi will first be levied by way of experiment. Should it succeed, a duty will be laid on the produce of The Cloak and the Bonnet.
THE LATE PROMOTIONS.
The whole of the police force take one step forward, on account of the late very liberal brevet.
Sergeant Snooks, of the Royal Heavy Highlows, to be raised to the Light Wellingtons.
Policemen K 482,611, to be restored to the staff by having his staff restored to him, which had been taken from him for misconduct.
Corporal Smuggins, 16th Foot, to be Sergeant by purchase, vice Buggins, arrested for debt.
All the post captains, who were formerly Twopennies, will take the rank of Generals.
In the Thames Navy, 2d mate Simpkins, of the Bachelor, to be 1st mate, vice Phunker, fallen overboard and resigned.
All the men who are above the age of 100, and are in the actual discharge of duty as policemen, are to be immediately superannuated on half-pay—a liberal arrangement, prompted, it is believed, by the birth of the Prince of Wales.