PUNCH’S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.—NO. 1.
BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY.
Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of Penny Cyclopædias, three-halfpenny Informations, and twopenny Stores of Knowledge, are prone to take with it.
In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very meanest capacity—even to that of
AN INFANT IN ARMS—
we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the people.
Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called the planetary system. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of—whether of wood, or any other material—are matters which, as far as the mass are concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity.
The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it by post in the time of Pope, whose lines—
“Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone.
And waft a sigh from Indus to the pole,”
imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without regard to the size (SIGHS), which may have been limited.
The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, which may be the case, unless the savans have been misled by specks of dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible.
We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of course, take a special interest.
It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the smallest faith in it.
It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and madness. Lunar caustic is not derived from the planet alluded to.
Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is Sirius, or the Dog-star, which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose.
The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way or Whey; and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for all whey is to a certain extent milky. The Band of Orion is familiar to all of us by name; but it is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps the allusion to the music of the spheres may have led to this popular error, as well as to that which regards Orion’s band as one of wind instruments.
We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with the intention of trying the experiment.
Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, the comet is so utterly mysterious, that “thereby hangs a tail” is all we are prepared to say respecting it.
We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to open out to him.
NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER’S CHAIR.
“With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen.”—Troilus and Cressida.
MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for the Speaker’s chair. Peter has a certificate of being “a bould speaker,” from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We would give one of the buttons off our hump to see
SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.
MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of Sir John Pullon, “as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of the poll by bribery and corruption” is perfectly correct, provided there is no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand “one penny more, up goes the donkey!”
CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.
OLD BAILEY.
Robbed—Melbourne’s butcher of his twelvemonth’s billings.
Verdict—Stealing under forty shillings.
LEGAL PUGILISM.
The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated at £5000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a head in chancery, even a pin’s, and see how they make the proprietor bleed.
INQUEST.
Died, Eagle Rouse—Verdict, Felo de se.
Induced by being ta’en for—Ross, M.P.
RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN.
When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, from that day, accounted for his silvery hair!