SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.
“Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch’ intrate!”
JOHN BULL v. THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY.
MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an injunction to restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering into possession of the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the affidavits on which he moved, that the defendants, though not in actual possession, laid an equitable claim to the fee simple of the large estates rightfully belonging to the plaintiff, over which they were about to exercise sovereign dominion. They had entered into private treaty with the blind old man who held the post of chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe to pretend illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one of the young and long-lived leeches—one Sir Frederick Smal-luck—to the vacant bench. They were about to compel a decentish sort of man, who did the business of Chancery as well as such business can be done under the present system, to retire upon half allowance, in order to make room for one Sir William Fullhat, who had no objection to £14,000 a year and a peerage. They were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would not on any account allow the company in the present actual possession of the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and were, in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by private contract, the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of plaintiff, to the incalculable danger of the estate, and to the disregard of decency and justice. What rendered this assumption and exercise of power the more intolerable, was, that the persons the most unfit were selected; and as if, it would appear, from a “hateful love of contraries,” the man learned in law being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the direction of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged to unlearn all he had previously learnt, before he began to learn his new craft.
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—Don’t you know, sir, that poeta nascitur non fit? Is not a judge a judge the moment he applies himself to the seat of justice?
MR. JOBTICKLER.—Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as your lordship is a glorious example, but—
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—But me no buts, sir. I’ll have no allusions made to my person. What way are the cases on the point you would press on the court?
MR. JOBTICKLER.—The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in favour of the Peel Place-hunting Company’s proceedings; but the principle, my lord, the principle!
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—Principle! What has principle to do with law, Sir? Really the bar is losing all reverence for authority, all regard for consistency. I must put a stop to such revolutionary tendencies on the part of gentlemen who practise in my court. Sit down, sir.
MR. JOBTICKLER.—May my client have the injunction?
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the costs, and I only wish I could double them for his impertinence. You, sir, you deserve to be stripped of your gown for insulting the ears of the court with such a motion.
CRIER.—Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the Supreme Court of the Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead silence.)
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).—Good morning, gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter of Magna Charta.
“Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel justitiam.” [Exit.]
CRIER.—This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor’s pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.—God save the Queen!
AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.—No. 3.
ΕΙΣ ΛΥΡΑΝ.
Apollo! ere the adverse fates
Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates22. This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk in.,
I have melted at thy strain
When Bunn reign’d o’er Drury-lane;
For the music of thy strings
Haunts the ear when Romer sings.
But to me that voice is mute!
Tuneless kettle-drum and flute
I but hear one liquid lyre—
Kettle bubbling on the fire,
Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out
Music from its curved spot,
Wak’ning visions by its song
Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong;
Lumps of crystal saccharine—
Liquid pearl distill’d from kine;
Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle
With the silver tea-spoons’ jingle!
Symposiarch I o’er all preside,
The Pidding of the fragrant tide.
Such the dreams that fancy brings,
When my tuneful kettle sings!
AUTHENTIC.
FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF LIVERPOOL.
7th mo. 29th, 1841.
Friend Reuben,—I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It affordeth me consolation that the brig Hazard hath arrived safely in thy port—whereof I myself was an underwriter—also, that a man-child hath been born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the former, as
margin.
There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this land: and those that sit on the benches called “The Treasury” are become sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son of Jenny hath promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject.
And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man comes the “artful” over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with that unseemly garment which the notary calleth “a protest.” Assuredly he is a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him.
I remain thy friend,
EBEN. BEWLEY.
Mincing Lane.
TO BAD JOKERS.
Sir,—Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my cachinnatory powers.
T.C.
CARD.
Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in general that he
GOES OUT LAUGHING.
His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins.
Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.’s system, cues for laughter are rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously selected.
N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes made to tell as well as new.
COMIC CREDENTIALS.
T.R.C.G.
Sir,—I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form of a guffaw, rendered it perfectly successful.
From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no doubt that your services will be in general requisition.
I am, yours, very respectfully,
J.R. Planche.
C—— C——.Sir,—I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas a guffaw, I would not be without it.
Yours truly,
Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel).
“MY NAME’S THE DOCTOR”—(vide Peel’s Speech at Tamworth.)
The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in renovating John Bull’s “glorious constitution!” though they both adopt the lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates his purge, while Sir Robert insists upon the efficacy of bleeding.
“Who shall decide when doctors disagree?”