THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.
"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden household, when Miss Miggs returns expecting to be re-instated in her old place of predominance, near the person of Dolly's mother. You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' Miss Miggs continues, 'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"
So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time, startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a pas de deux between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace? Happily ATKINSON (still like Miss Miggs, as SARK insists) suddenly collapsed.
"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member to withdraw."
"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "I will come back." Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden household—I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into commonplace.
Business done.—ATKINSON expelled for a week.
Tuesday.—SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:—
"The best of all ways to shorten our days
Is to steal a few hours from the night."
"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical.
"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair of feet left out. But you know, TOBY, how they run. The last line should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now, theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what I'm about, even when quoting poetry."
Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves. Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.
Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. Business done.—Committee of Supply.
Wednesday.—House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and Country kept us here unto this last.
"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how you'll get on without me, dear boys."
"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the smoke-room for the last cigarette.
"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE, He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ——, and ——, and —— ——." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone interested should write to the SAGE, Poste Restante Marienbad.) "They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench."
Business done.—SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's really gone.
Saturday.—House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.
Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the circumstances.
"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill."
"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise cases. Business done.—Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for remaining days of Session.