ILLEGAL FICTIONS.
SCENE—Interior of a Publisher's Office, shortly after the trial of Pinnock v. Chapman and Hall.
Publisher. We have given our best attention to your Manuscript of a three-volumed novel, called—let me see, what did you call it? Oh, yes, here it is!—called, Haunted by Sixteen Goblins, and we are afraid it won't do.
Literary Aspirant (pained). Won't do!
Pub. (calmly). No. Won't do a bit—at least, not in its present form. You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain WILDFIRE, who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the steward, five seamen, and all the Passengers of the Jolly Seamew, the vessel that he commands, and appropriates five million dollars belonging to his employers, the vessel's owners.
Lit. Asp. Quite so. I thought those incidents would be rather exciting. They're so new. Do you object to the murders, or what?
Pub. Oh, dear no! But now this name, Captain WILDFIRE. (Suspiciously.) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all like it, and who also resides at Singapore?
Lit. Asp. I took the name quite by chance. I've never been near Singapore in my life.
Pub. (relieved). Glad to hear it. One has to be so careful nowadays. Here's an Army List—let us see if anybody called WILDFIRE figures in it. Ha! What's this! "Major WILDMAN, 217th Hussars." (Gazes at Lit. Aspirant sternly.) Is your Captain WILDFIRE intended as a caricature of Major WILDMAN, Sir, or is it not?
Lit. Asp. (astonished). Why, of course not! I never heard of the man.
Pub. Very likely not. We should hear of him precious soon if we published your novel as it stands.
Lit. Asp. But what reason is there to suppose this Major WILDMAN has ever been to Singapore? And how can a captain of a merchantship like the Jolly Seamew be confused with a Major in the Army who has never commanded a vessel in his life?
Pub. (doggedly). All very well; but the name must come out. Then I don't like this description of the Ninth Goblin at all. Where is it? Oh, here! (Reads.) "Even the cerements of the tomb enveloping the form of the Ninth Goblin could not hide—nay, seemed rather to bring prominently forward—the malignant expression of the one-eyed face, with its crop of red whiskers, beetle brows, and low receding forehead."
Lit. Asp. What's wrong with that?
Pub. Wrong! Everything's wrong! There are lots of people about with red whiskers and low receding foreheads, and they'll all bring actions of libel.
Lit. Asp. But my Goblin has only one eye.
Pub. Well, so may they. They're equal to taking one eye out and putting it back when the trial's over, if they thought it'd help them to get money out of us. There may be a fellow called Mr. GOBLIN somewhere, too. Oh, no; it won't do at all. All the chapters with the Ninth Goblin in must come out.
Lit. Asp. (aghast). But that would spoil the book—it would mean leaving out half of it.
Pub. Yes, it would reduce the bulk, no doubt. In any case we could not produce it in a three-volume form. But we are bringing out a series of cheap fictions, and we might include yours.
Lit. Asp. (making the best of things). Well, some good books have appeared in a shilling form.
Pub. Yes. But it's not a shilling form we should propose. The fact is, that there is a great run on Penny Novelettes just now, and—
Lit. Asp. (rising). And you dare to propose bringing out the Sixteen Goblins as a Penny Novelette!
Pub. Certainly, and in view of the risk of actions for libel, you would have to pay the printing-bill, and give us a contract of indemnity in case your Captain Wildfire did turn out to be identical with some retired pirate who feels himself hurt at your description. You don't think much of the proposal? Well, nor do we of the book, to tell you the truth. Ta, ta!
[Disappears into inner room. Literary Aspirant slowly folds up his novel, and exit.
MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.—Marry, and come up!