AN EN-NOBBLING SPECTACLE!
Being some account of the Prodigal Daughter of Drury Lane.
CHAPTER I.—The Tea-urn of the Hunter.
SIR JOHN HENRY NEVILLE WOODMERE was the most considerate of men, and he had a very considerate family, and a large circle of considerate acquaintances. He was obliging to the last degree, Among those he knew, and to whom he owed a deep debt of gratitude (for they had furnished him with an old family mansion, a stud of racers, and passes for himself and circle to Paris) were AUGUSTE LE GRAND, and HENRI LE PETTITT.
"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. She has been well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; but it is necessary that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. Otherwise, how could she be called The Prodigal Daughter?"
Sir JOHN saw the force of this reasoning, and consented.
"And stay," said AUGUSTE, "we must really have a good set, and you must go a fox-hunting. You must have armour, and a breakfast, and all of you must wear hunting-coats. And look here, we can't do without flowers, and coats-of-arms, and open windows."
"But," objected Sir JOHN, "if I am going a fox-hunting, surely it should be in the winter or spring. And how about the flowers?"
"You have got them from Nice," replied AUGUSTE.
So it was thus arranged. Sir JOHN's daughter, who was called ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE, eloped and broke her father's heart.
"But," exclaimed her bereaved parent, preparing to mount a horse that was waiting for him on the lawn amongst the flower-beds, "although my heart is breaking, I will show the world I am a true English gentleman by starting off to head the chace!"
And he said this out of consideration for AUGUSTE and HENRI, because he knew they wanted what is technically known as a Curtain. And by this means he gave them one. And a good one too.
CHAPTER II.—A little Trip to Paris.
And then Sir JOHN and all his considerate family and acquaintances went to Paris to stay at the Grand Hôtel, which seemed to have been surrendered to them (at convenient times) for their special use. Sir JOHN was accompanied by a most useful villain, who showed the depth of his depravity by wearing a moustache of the deepest dye. So that this depth might be better known, he called himself DEEPWATER.
"Sir JOHN," said this villain, "your daughter has come to Paris with Captain HARRY VERNON, and you should trounce him."
"I will," replied Sir JOHN, heartily; "but surely I have seen my daughter, and my niece, and Captain HARRY BOYNE VERNON, and the Hon. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD, and Lord HARRY NICHOLLS BANBERRY (a comic Peer), and his wife (a converted Quakeress), and DUDLEY J.L. SHINE ROPER, a wicked but amusing Hebrew, hanging about. Cannot we meet for two minutes, and set everything to-rights?"
"My dear Sir JOHN," returned MAURICE FERNANDEZ DEEPWATER, "pray consider yourself mistaken. As you say, if we all met together for two minutes in a room, the whole thing would be settled. But then I am distinctly under the impression that AUGUSTE LE GRAND and HENRI LE PETTITT would be confoundedly annoyed."
"Oh," exclaimed Sir JOHN, "if you think they would be annoyed, do not say another word about it!"
So the various characters gave one another a clear berth, and missed each other at the nick of time.
But after awhile ROSE was left alone with the Hon. JULIAN BELFORD.
"It is not very clear to me why we haven't married," said he.
"Nor to me either!" she replied. "We dawdled a bit, and I daresay put it off because what one knows can be done at any moment is often not done at all."
"Well, hadn't we better go to the British Embassy?"
"Why, yes." she replied, with some hesitation; "but I really think you had better say you will marry my cousin. I fancy it would please AUGUSTE and HENRI."
"Anything to oblige them," returned the Hon. JULIAN._
"That being settled, please leave me, as I have to fall in a dead faint—must get an effective Curtain, you know!"
The HON. JULIAN KNIGHT BELFORD nodded his head, and then ROSE MILLWARD WOODMERE fainted—with the desired result.
CHAPTER III.—Cackle v. 'Osses. The Favourite wins.
And now Sir JOHN and his considerate circle had come to England, and were close to Liverpool.
"My dear people," said HENRI, "never mind your love-making, never mind your plot, leave it to AUGUSTE, and he will pull you through."
And HENRI was quite right. AUGUSTE went to work with a will, and did pull them through. He took them to the Grand National Steeple Chace, and showed them and all the world a sight the like of which they had never seen before. There were real horses, real touts, and a real winner. Oh, how it went! It was magnificent! And, before this great race, AUGUSTE (helped by HENRI this time) showed a training-stable, and how a favourite can be nobbled. It didn't in the least matter why it was done, or where it was done. It was a lovely sight to see somebody or other giving the wrong horse beans. And the horse liked them, and eat them with a zest, and felt none the worse for them. On the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old quarters, up to Easter.
"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. "Voluptuary will carry the whole of us—Authors, Managers, and Actors—to victory!" And he was right—Voluptuary did carry them to success—a gigantic one.
CHAPTER IV.—The Means justify the End.
And Sir JOHN and his considerate circle acted up to their principles to the very end.
"ROSE, come to my arms!" said he, to his child; "you have been prodigal enough, it is now time for your reformation and conciliation."
"Then may we marry?" asked the Hon. JULIAN.
"Certainly!" was the reply.
And the other couples were also satisfactorily accounted for.
"Are you contented?" asked Sir JOHN, of AUGUSTE and HENRI.
"How does it end?" was the answer, taking the shape of a question.
"Happily for all. Not only for us, but for you and the Public generally."
And AUGUSTE, HENRI, Box and Cox, and in fact everybody who was anybody, were satisfied. As indeed they should be.
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