EDENTULOUS PERSONS.
It happened a long time ago. Higgins, Mackenzie and I, three irresponsible subalterns, had been lent to the Government of India for famine relief work. One Sunday we foregathered in the cool of the evening at a dak bungalow, near the point where our three districts met, to compare notes and to swap lies.
"How are you getting on?" I asked Higgins.
"I'm not getting on at all. I'm just stagnating. I do all my work and draw my pay, and there's the end of it. I'm sure the regiment has forgotten all about me, and in fact no one seems to be aware of my existence."
"Why not write to the Government of India about it?" remarked Mackenzie.
"Yes, I'm sure that's the best thing to do," I agreed. "The Collector in my district is always writing to the Government of India, and the Government prints all he writes and sends it round with remarks and decisions. He will get all sorts of honours and rewards out of this famine."
"Yes. But what shall I write?" asked Higgins. "If I simply say there is a chap called Higgins who is terribly bored and wants some notice taken of him, they won't print that sort of tosh."
"Not that particular kind of tosh, perhaps," agreed Mackenzie. "You've got to write about your work and ask for a decision on some point or other. Then they'll remember your existence; and if you write often enough you will gradually crawl out of obscurity into the limelight. Almost anything will do to start with."
"Well, I found an old woman to-day in one of my camps who could not eat her ration, because she had no teeth. Can you make anything out of that?" asked Higgins.
"We'll have a shot at it anyway," replied Mackenzie. He pulled a sheet of note-paper and a pencil out of his pocket and wrote the following draft:—"There are in the famine camps in my area some toothless old people who cannot eat the ordinary ration. What shall I do about it?"
"The gist of the letter is all right," I said, "but the style wants polishing. Higgins's education will be gauged by our style. Cross out 'some toothless old people' and write 'certain edentulous persons.' Put 'masticate' instead of 'eat.' Then you must not say, 'What shall I do about it?' That sounds too helpless. You, or rather Higgins, must appear as a man of unbounded initiative and resource. You must write, 'I suggest that a special ration of soft food be issued to such persons.' That will help the Government of India to solve a very difficult problem, and Higgins will earn its eternal gratitude."
The amendments were passed unanimously. Higgins copied out the letter in his best handwriting and sent it off through the long and winding channels by which subalterns on famine duty communicate with the heaven-born ones who sit on the far-off hills.
We separated next day, and I forgot all about the matter until three weeks later, when, going through my official mail, the name Patrick Aloysius Higgins caught my eye. There was our letter printed in full, and below it was the epoch-making decision of the Government: "A special ration of soft food may be issued to edentulous persons in famine camps."
Higgins's success evidently provoked Mackenzie to emulate it. Some time later I received another printed document. After the usual official opening, with its reference numbers, etc., it ran as follows: "There are in the famine camps in this area certain persons who, though not edentulous, are yet unable to masticate the ordinary ration. Though they have some teeth, the teeth are all in one jaw. May such persons be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the decision referred to above? Signed, JAMES DOUGLAS MACKENZIE." The Government was again pleased to record its approval.
The letter roused my jealousy. Higgins and Mackenzie, by the use of my distinguished literary style, had both got well along the road to fame, whilst I was still languishing in obscurity. Something must be done about it. I took a pen and wrote: "There are in the famine camps in this area certain persons who, though they are not edentulous and though they have some teeth in both jaws, are yet unable to masticate the ordinary ration because the teeth in the upper jaw correspond with the gaps in the lower, and vice versa. May such persons be considered as edentulous for the purposes of the two previous decisions?"
I sent the letter off to the Government of India. The reply came by return of post:—
"The Government of India, in response to representations, has authorised the issue of a special ration of soft food to edentulous persons in famine camps. In the interpretation of the term 'edentulous' considerable latitude may be permitted, and is indeed desirable, so that it may in practice be applied to many individuals who, according to meticulous physiological standards, should not be so classified. The determining factor in the application of the term should be the inability of the individual concerned to extract sufficient nutriment from the normal ration, owing to imperfect mastication. Such persons will invariably exhibit symptoms of mal-nutrition or cacotrophy.
"The Government is confident that the foregoing general ruling will enable junior and inexperienced officers, temporarily employed on famine duty, to classify appropriately and with facility as denticulate or edentulous all individuals afflicted with dental hiatus, mal-conformation and labefaction, without further reference to higher authority."
As I read the letter with the help of a dictionary, it dawned upon me that the Government of India had won the game beyond all doubt and peradventure.