December 15, 1920
CHARIVARIA.
Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended.
A newspaper correspondent describes Charlie Chaplin as being an amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular comedian of having his lighter moments.
"For twenty years," says a contemporary, "Superintendent Spencer of Scotland Yard has been watching the King." We hasten to add that during all that time His Majesty has never done anything to excite suspicion.
This year's Oxford and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate.
According to The Daily Express twenty-five thousand Government officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't have this sort of thing in England.
Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging revolver shots.
"Hats," says The Times' fashion correspondent, "are worn well on the head." We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat on.
White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians.
So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. Ben Davies. With some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as run would be an advantage.
Loud cheers were given, says a Bolshevist wireless message, when Lenin left Petrograd for Moscow. We can well believe it.
The Bolshevists now forbid men to walk through the streets with their hands in their pockets. Hands in other peoples' pockets every time is their motto.
A palpitating writer in a Sunday paper asks if the summit of English life is being made a true Olympus or a rooting-ground for the swine of Epicurus. Judging by the present exorbitant price of a nice tender loin of pork, with crisp crackling, we should say the former.
A West Norwood man who described himself as a poet told the magistrate that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first time.
Mr. Winston Churchill cannot be in two places at once, says The Bristol Evening News. All the same it is a dangerous thing to put him on his mettle like that.
Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the appearance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don't wait for that; we go by the appearance in The Daily Mail of a letter announcing the discovery of primroses in Thanet.
Measures to arrest the subsidence of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral have again become imperative. The cause assigned is the depressing effect of the Dean.
Of several hats caught up in a recent whirlwind it was observed that the one with the largest circulation was a "Sandringham."
A judge has decided that it is ultra vires for a municipal body to run a public laundry. Apparently this is to remain a monopoly of the Royal Courts of Justice.
"The telephone," we are told, "was cradled in a dead man's ear." As far as we can ascertain the other end of ours is still there.
Seventy is suggested by the London County Council as the age limit at which coroners should retire. Complete justice cannot be done as long as there is anything in the shape of identity of interest between the coroner and the corpse.
"The natural position of the eyeballs in sleep," says a correspondent of The Daily Mail, "is turned upwards." The practice of leaving them standing in a tumbler of water all night should be particularly avoided by light sleepers.
We are asked to deny the rumour that the Poet Laureate is entitled to draw the unemployment donation.
THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT.
Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand.
Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper.
Will pay for itself many times over.
Theatre-Fashions in Malta.
"The House was full to its utmost capacity, the elegant night dresses and toilettes of the ladies presenting a fine aspect."
—Malta Paper.
"Ye Olde —— Hotel. Hot and Cold Sheets."
Daily Paper.
Produced, we assume, by a water-bottle (h. and c.).
"The Dry Champaign in Scotland.
Polling in Edinburgh."
Provincial Paper.
Judging by the results, the Scots seem still to prefer the local vintage.
There was a young high-brow of Sutton
Who lived on hot air and cold mutton;
He knew not of Grock,
But he idolized Brock
(I don't mean the sculptor, but Clutton).