TOO CLEVER BY HALF.
"Out of every thousand men in the Army there are now 815 of superior education.... H.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commander-in-Chief has directed Officers to use every means at their disposal to induce men to improve their education in order to obtain the certificate necessary for promotion."—Daily Paper.
Scene—The Barrack Square of the Royal Irish Bengal Essex Highlanders (Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein's Own). Members of the Regiment assembling for Morning Parade. A Company falling in.
Captain Dash (commanding A Company). Ready for inspection, Sergeant?
Sergeant Babington Macaulay (saluting). Directly, Sir. I have called away the men from a discussion on the question of entail.
Captain. Dear me! You should not have done that. I shall be only too ready to assist them by any means in my power.
Sergeant. Well, Sir, they are now in close order. If you wish, I will open them out. (Captain nods assent. To men.) Open order! [Flank files rear rank step back two paces.
Corporal (dressing flank files). Steady!
Sergeant. March! (Remainder of rear rank step back.) Order arms! Stand at ease! [He salutes Captain, and comes to attention.
Captain. 'Tention! (Company springs up to desired position.) Now, my men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a University can take a pace to the front. March! (The entire Company complies.) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant?
Sergeant. Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company, although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment.
Captain. Well, what is the difficulty? Call out the man who started the subject. Perhaps I may be able to help him.
Sergeant (salutes and turns to Company). Private Thomas Atkins take three paces to your front. March! Now then, salute, Sir!
(Aside.) This extra education makes them rusty with their drill.
Captain. Well, Private Atkins, can I help you at all?
Private Atkins (touching his rifle with his right hand). A thousand thanks, Sir, for your extreme kindness and courtesy. Still I cannot fairly monopolise all your attention, as I was only one of many desirous of learning a little law.
Captain. I suppose you know all about the Feudal System?
Private (smiling). I can safely undertake to say that there is not a man in the Company who does not appreciate its provisions.
Captain. Quite so. Well, the practice of entail is founded more or less on the Feudal System. You understand the advantages and disadvantages of Primogeniture?
Private. Certainly, Sir. I suppose Borough English was rather before the time of the Norman Conquest?
Captain. I imagine so: but perhaps the best way will be for you all to come to my quarters, where I can explain the matter more fully to you than I can here. I have no doubt the Colonel will excuse the Company, if I inform him for what purpose we propose absenting ourselves. At any rate I will ask him.
Private. A million thanks, Sir. I am sure every man in the Company will be grateful to you.
Sergeant. Right about turn! Quick march! Halt! Front! Shoulder arms!
Captain. Stand them easy while I go away. (Sergeant obeys order, and Captain approaches and salutes Colonel.) Beg pardon, Sir, but may I march my Company to my quarters to give them a lecture on law?
Colonel (rather querulously). Well, Dash, of course I'm not going to say No; but it really is rather rough upon me. Here B Company has got permission to study botany, C Company the elements of engineering, D, F, and G chemistry. I shall be left with H Company, because they have nothing more to learn. What on earth shall I give them to do if you are off too?
Captain. Wouldn't presume to suggest, Sir; but mightn't H have a little practice in the rudiments of drill?
Colonel. By Jove, you are right! They are rusty enough! Very well, you may go.
[Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards Captain Dash's quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction in the mysteries of "fours."
A Circular Note.—The literary character of our leading statesmen of all shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr. Gladstone and Mr. Balfour are by this time past-masters. Long may they live—and learn.
