CATCHING PEOPLE'S EYES.
Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse), Mr. Punch has kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares (carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.
A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever happened, that the Poet Keats, on the day he penned it had tasted the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.
WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and answered by many others, according to their political views. But there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were placed before him, Mr. Disraeli, whose taste is unrivalled, would take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only, &c.
THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe since Admiral Botchamoff refused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only to apply at No. &c.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.—To be sure he has, and you may have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself, as his Lordship does, at the establishment of Smouch Brothers, Tailors, &c. &c.
HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes, hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes, paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co., at &c.
THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!—No, not while her Ministers do their duty. But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best obtained at &c.
MURDER!—This very objectionable practice will never be persevered in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the "Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing in Trash's Weekly Miscellany, price One Penny.
YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.—And seeing you made me do it, and I will never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am. "Do it—do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles at Dipps's, Tottenham Court Road, &c.
THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale, sold by &c.
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED—Yes, and we hope it will continue to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one, should he arise, who should pretend that Buggins's Patent Warming Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.
YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.—She has indeed bolted the front door, thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return, and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking that Emma, you might as well try to arouse Lord Aberdeen to a sense of the honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by furnishing your door with one of Tumbler and Co.'s Latch Locks? To be seen in action at &c.
GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.—"And a very good one, too," as Her Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiring H. R. H. the Prince of Wales to let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you have done so by ordering your Coals at Slates and Company, Whiteash Wharf.
THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.—When this announcement is made, the next thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure, Wobbles and Co. must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can, and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a Pig.
NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one of Windum's Air Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown without much annoyance.
MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.—This circumstance will gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction will be complete when they are informed that, not only Mr. Ainsworth's masterly works, but those of all other writers of celebrity, are bound by Vellum and Tooley, corner of Bobchurch Lane, upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.
A CLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except," added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers, and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."
A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called "slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one who should apply the above unfavourable opinion to Bunk's Watches (warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of approbation, which we have said would be used towards Shakspere, exactly characterise the Watches sold by Bunk at &c.
PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis, Messrs. Borax and Co. respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be procured, &c.