LORD SID-NEE'S SHOW.
The Ardent Lover, Ching-Bang-Bung, at present residing among the island Barbarians, writes to the Star of his Brain, Lollum Squinnyi, daughter of Hango Jowdob, wealthy merchant of Tseen-ki, with a wart on his nose.
Moonlight on the Waters of my Soul,
"Adoring your silver slipper with its buckle of emeralds, profoundly respecting the gilded toad which lies before your cerulean door in the light of a scraper, nay, venerating the marble slab that forms the threshold of the house where lives the angelic daughter of Hango Jowdob with the wart on his nose, I send you this illuminated rescript. Honour it.
"Yesterday, O Lollum, was a festival among these barbarians, and the Chief Magistrate of their chief city went in procession to swear oaths, and to bid other judges to devour sea-tortoises with him. A scribe named Punch, and altogether the wisest and comeliest man I have ever seen (excepting Hango Jowdob, with the wart on his nose, who will probably read this) gave me a seat in his mansion, which overlooketh the highway. By Con-fu-zee, O Lollum, but these barbarians have something in them, after all. Their Chief Magistrate is a vendor of teas, and the array was got up to remind the spectators of the Flowery Land whence cometh the fragrant leaf; in short, it was a gorgeous advertisement of his profession.
"Wisely taking example from the wisest nation of earth, they have sought to liken their procession unto what they deem to be Chinese. Poor savages, they make sad blunders; but our religion teaches us to be charitable, and to pity rather than ridicule the benighted heathens, who have not a pagoda in their land, save a miserable one in some gardens they call Q. Yesterday they exhibited strange mockeries of our Chinese forms; but still the good will was there, and we will not mock them in return, but try to teach them better.
"There were shields with faces, as of moons and devils, and dragon-banners, with bells, and other imitations of us; but the artistic design and the classical execution were wanting, my Lollum. The Chief Magistrate himself rode in a carriage formed like a gigantic tea-pot; and before and behind him came standards, on which were emblazoned the prices of his goods. Two huge idols, worshipped by the Fathers of the City, with costly orgies, were borne along, with Chinese adornments; and numerous other devices reminded me of the land where dwelleth the lovely daughter of Hango Jowdob with the wart on his nose.
"They are all traders, these barbarians, and one of the ancestors of this Magistrate, whose name is Sid-Nee, was a great layer of bricks, as I gather, for he is often spoken of, by public-house orators, as 'Sid-Nee on the Scaffold.'
"Lollum of my Soul! Light breaking in at the Chink of my Heart! Violet of my Nostrils! Pickled Duck of my Affections! Water-lily floating on the waves of my Life! Whitest Egg in the Nest of my Brain! I worship your image, and I kiss the rice-paper which enfolds the eyelash you gave me at parting. When shall your eyes sparkle into mine, and set all the fireworks of my soul fizzing, and banging, and sparkling? Eleven millions of highly polished compliments to the respectable Hango Jowdob with the wart on his nose.
"Signed in England, the day after the Feast of the Lord Sid-Nee, Mare of London.
"Ching-Bang-Bung."
Directions for Shaving the Ladies.—Use plenty of soft soap—use it unsparingly to their faces—and it's wonderful how clean you'll shave them.—A Linendraper's Assistant from Howellanjames.
Mistaken Benevolence.—Throwing Early Purl to Swine.
Policeman. "Now, Mum! What's the matter?"
Injured Female. "If you please, Mister—I want to give my wretch of a 'usband in charge. He's always a knocking of me down and a stampin' on me!"