MR. PETERLOO BROWN'S EXAMINATION OF THE OXFORD STATUTES.
"Dear Mr. Punch,
"I appeal to you in a case of difficulty, and trust that my familiarity will not beget your contempt. My name is Brown: not an uncommon surname, perhaps, but I am distinguished by my Christian name of Peterloo. My eldest lad is called after me, and it is in his behalf, Mr. Punch, that I crave your advice. He is at present an Eton boy, but he will soon be ready to be an Oxford man, and I am now looking forward to his matriculation. You are, doubtless, Sir, aware that every one who goes through that form has to subscribe to certain oaths and conditions, before he can be admitted to the privileges of the University. I myself never had the benefit of a University education, but I am well aware how it helps a man to gain a position in society—a position which my rapid rise to fortune has only in part secured to me; for there are, Mr. Punch, aristocrats by birth, who turn up their noses at us aristocrats by wealth, and yet will stoop to—— however, to return to my son. I am determined that he shall not want for advantages; but, as I have a certain sort of squeamishness about a person taking oaths that he does not know the meaning of, and swearing to observe statutes of whose nature he is unaware, I sent to Oxford for a copy of the University Statutes, that I might run my eye over them, and see what were the laws that governed the noble, the great, the famous, the—in short, the enlightened place, the University of Oxford. The book is now before me:—'Parecbolæ sive Excerpta e corpore Statutorum Universitatis Oxoniensis:' and a copy is, I believe, presented to every undergraduate at his matriculation, that he may be fully aware of the laws that he has sworn to obey. The Statutes I find to be written in a Latin form—I cannot say, in a dead language, for it is of a kind very much resembling the living, and of that description vulgarly termed 'Dog' Latin; so that I, who never got further than Eutropius, and whose acquaintance with the language has become rusty from want of use, can easily make out a translation of the sentences. I find that my son will have to sign the Thirty-nine Articles, which, I dare say, is all very proper; take the Oath of Allegiance, which is quite right; and also, the Oath of Supremacy, in which he will have to say, that he, Peterloo Brown, does, 'from his heart, abhor, detest, and abjure, as impious and heretical, that damnable doctrine and position that Princes, excommunicated or deprived by the Pope, or any authority of the See of Rome, may be deposed or murdered by their subjects, or any other whatsoever.' Now, although I may be secretly of opinion that my lad might as well swear to any Bosh, as all this about the excommunicate Princes, yet I pass this over, and proceed to the Statutes themselves.
Nobody shall Wear any other Clothes than those of a Black or Subfusk Hue.
"I find that a great part of the book is about the keeping of terms; the granting of various kinds of degrees, of congregations, convocations, dispensations, and all that sort of thing; and I then come—under the head 'Tit. XIV. De Vestitu et Habitu Scholastico'—to the Statutes that more immediately concern my son Peterloo. And this is the result of my search.
"I find that nobody, unless he is a Peer's son—(who may do what he likes, for you will find, Mr. Punch, that it is one of the great beauties of our University system, that it allows no distinction of persons, but puts the sons of the ignoble and the noble on equal terms; but I am digressing!)—I find 'Statutum est,' that 'Nobody shall wear any other clothes than those of a black, or "subfusk" colour' (coloris nigri aut subfusci), 'or imitate (in their dress) what is extravagant or fast:' (that seems to be the meaning of the words 'fastum aut luxum;' but, as I said before, my Latin is rather rusty). Now, since this is the rule, I would ask how it is, Mr. Punch, that young Bellingham Grey (my neighbour's son) should, at the end of every term, bring home from Christ Church (where by the way, he is ruining his father, but that is no affair of mine!) suits of clothes of every colour but black or 'subfusk' (not that I exactly know what colour that may be), and remarkable solely for their extravagance and 'fast-ness?' I want my lad to dress like a gentleman, but I don't always want to see him putting in an appearance like an undertaker, or counter-skipper, or like the man in the play (is it Hamlet? though, probably, Othello?) continually clothed in 'an inky suit of black.' And, if he swears to observe such a Statute as the above, why, of course, the authorities will see that he obeys it, and dresses accordingly.
"It is next ordered, that 'Nobody shall follow that absurd and proud custom of walking in boots in public.' (Insuper, ab absurdo illo et fastuoso publice in ocreis ambulandi more, abstinere compellantur. I give you the very words, Mr. Punch, lest you should not believe me.) Now, where on earth is the harm of my lad wearing Wellingtons? But I suppose that every one in Oxford (I do not know the place) wears the 'Oxford Shoes,' and that this Statute has been inserted to keep up what is, doubtless, the staple trade of the city. For, of course, the Statute is observed, or they would not make the students swear to obey it.
Nobody shall follow that Absurd and Proud Custom of walking in Boots in Public.
"'Statutum est' also, that 'Nobody shall wear the hair long or in curls (in capillitio modus est, nec concinnos, aut comam nimis promissam alant). Now, Sir, my son Peterloo has been favoured by Nature with a particularly curly head of hair. I wish to ask you, Do you think that this misfortune, which it is evident can be from no fault of his own, will shut him out from all the privileges of the University? It is a momentous question for a father to make, and one which may interest the bosom friend of the present Chancellor—I mean Mr.—I beg his pardon, Dr. Disraeli. One thing is plain: that the advertisements of 'Do you want luxurious hair?' can be of no use in Oxford, and that bears'-grease must be at a discount. And if my son Peterloo should fail to observe any of the above Statutes touching his personal appearance, or the giving himself airs, he will, when he is a graduate, have to pay 6s. 8d. for each offence (pœna 6s. et 8d. plectatur, toties quoties), and while he is an undergraduate he will, for such offences, have to suffer corporal punishment (pœna corporali). Good gracious, Mr. Punch, I have read that the great Newton was horsed when he was a Cambridge undergraduate; but I thought that such a degrading custom was either confined to that University, or had passed away with the dark ages, and oil-lamps, and Protection, and all that sort of thing. Does not Oxford—the Mother of Science, and (for what I know) the Aunt of Literature, and the Grandmother of the Arts—does not Oxford, I repeat, keep up with the progressive enlightenment of the age? I almost repent that I have entered Peterloo there (at St. Vitus' College), and I tremble to think of the effect that corporal punishment, will have on him when he is become a man. As an Eton boy it (perhaps) does him good; but as a man! I thought such disgrace only attached to the army. For, of course, the corporal punishment cannot be inflicted only in the Statutes.
Nobody shall wear the hair Long or in Curls.
"I then find that it is 'Statutum est,' that if any one should happen to introduce a new and unwonted style of dress, that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of the Colleges and Halls shall thereupon hold deliberation and give their opinion; and that the Vice-Chancellor shall then forbid the cutters-out and the tailors, making these kind of garments (Deinde, Vice-Cancellarius scissoribus sive sartoribus vestiariis hujusmodi vestes conficiendi potestate interdicat); and that the Heads shall prohibit their scholars from wearing them; but that if the young men, with a morbid pertinacity (morbi pertinacia), persist in clothing themselves in the aforesaid garments, the Vice-Chancellor shall, after three monitions, expel them.
"The motherly care shown by Alma Mater that her sons should not fall into scrapes by making Guys of themselves, is here very strongly evidenced; and I think it would be a profitable subject for inquiry, if Mr. Hume would move for a return of the number of times that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of Houses have met, in accordance with the above Statute.
"The remainder of Tit. XIV is taken up with the cut of the gowns, &c., but is as unlike a ladylike page of Le Follet (which Mrs. Brown takes in) as anything can be.
"The Statutes demanding attention in Tit. XV. are so numerous that I will trouble you with them in another letter; but they are so amusing that they will repay perusal, and your opinion upon them will not only be highly valued by, but of the greatest use, to
"Dear Mr. Punch,
"Your constant reader,
"Peterloo Brown."