THE UMBRELLA.
It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home, be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered—say in a restaurant, or even in your own hall—the fortunate and enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the remaining points by right of discovery—a good thing for dealers in umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not addicted to petty larceny.
DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad incubi, it remained upon his hands.
This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of the umbrella.
The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a curiosity—so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not what his left hand doeth—neither does his left hand.
A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one, placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound together by an umbrella—think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies, and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many a confessio amantis has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat; and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall, you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue style—to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude—and, under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation as much as possible.
It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the stricken dear, the umbrella should blow inside out.
The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of the marriage tie. He says,
"Just as to a big umbrella
Is the handle when 'tis raining.
So unto a man is woman.
Though, the handle bears the burden,
'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
Though the top gets all the wetting,
'Tis the handle still supports it.
So the top is good for nothing
If there isn't any handle;
And the case holds vice versa."
All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS CæSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close ours.
