THE HOTELS—FASHIONS—SPRING WATER—AND CLUB HOUSE.
The season when everybody who can sport a 3 story trunk full of store close, and a fine assortment of Californy diamonds, and rush to a waterin' place, has got heer.
The venerable head of a family pegs away at biziness all winter, and when summer comes his wife and dorters pile off to Niagary, Longbranch, Saratogy, or somewhere else, where they make the Govenor's calf skin wallet cry for quarter, as they rag out in their most celubrious manner.
I'm stoppin' heer at Saratogy, baskin', as it were, in the melliflous sunshine of earth's fairest flowers.
That the reeders of PUNCHINELLO may understand how the season is openin' heer, let an old Stateman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, consine his thoughts and observashuns to paper.
The season is openin' rather encouragin'.
The only openin' I know of that can beat it, was openin' clams at a clam-bake down at Coney Iland.
With Hotel proprieters heer it is a good deal like eatin' clams.
When a person has lickt out the meet of a clam he throws the shell away.
So it is with the a-4-sed Hotel Keeper. When he licks all the sweet meet out of his border's calf-skin pocket-book, he has no further use for the empty shell, and consekently chucks him out of the winder as lively as Wall street hussles out a lame duck.
The biggest houses heer are the Congris and Union.
These institushins are to terry fermer, what NOER'S Ark and the grate Eastern was to commerce.
These taverns, bein' mammoth, perserve their mammothness by chargin' mammoth bord bills. Ten cents a breth and fifteen cents a sneeze, any ordinary member of Congress can stand; but when a wooden tooth-pick costs you Twenty-five cents, and a cleen napkin half a dollar, a visitor size for an app'intment as Revenoo Officer in a good fat whiskey district.
There is quite a heep of people at Congress haul.
This bildin' is surrounded by piazas, where the fare sects slam out, araid in gushin' apparel and stoopin' and tremblin' under their lode of false hair, like an Irishman under a hod full of bricks.
In this stoopin' posture their hands hangs down, and the picter seen in nateral history, of a Kangeroo trying to stand ereckt, gives us what is called the Greshun bend.
When the fair bell strikes an attitood, with fore paws danglin' at half-mast, to be admired by a dandifide lot of Tommynoodles of the opposite sects, the opinion of this ere cort is, that insted of Greshun bend, it had orter be called Kangaroo bend.
I notis that old wimmin heer, as well as young ones, sport pretty gorgeous harnesses. Last evenin' I was passin' a fashionable House heer and I saw an anshient femail who was fixed with ribbins, satins, etc. She looked like an advertisement for some glass factory, for she was covered with a small waggin lode of glass diamonds.
She held a poodle purp in her lap. On her head was a lose nite cap from which ringlets and spit curls was danglin', like a lot of fish-worms crawlin' over the top of a bait box.
Thinks I, she was the old woman of the period and no mistake.
It is fashinable heer to go to the Springs and swill down Congress water by the gallon—called Congress water from the fact that it will take the kinks out of a Congressman's hair, mornin's, after indulgin' in a shampain supper, and any Inn Keeper heer, altho' they theirselves may have several diseases hitcht onto them, will assure yon that "Saratogy waters is the waters of life," and is "a sertain cure for any disease ever invented."
From my own observashuns it takes a person about 3 days to begin relishin' Saratogy mineral water. The first day it tastes like the juice of an old soked bute.
The second day it reminds you of brine out of an old musty pork barrel.
The third day it tastes like See water near a New York dock.
Afterwards it begins improvin' until bimebye I would as leave have it as Gin and Tansy.
All the Springs heer are well patronized. Neerly as much so as the bars at the Drinkin' Saloons.
The High Rock Spring is a first-class curiosity.
A good comfortable income could be got out of a quarry which prodooced such stuns as the one from which High Rock water flows.
One of the institushuns of this summer resort is Mister MORRISSEY'S Club-house.
The Hon. JOHN is more of a success at Congress hauls, Saratogy, than he is at the Halls of Congress, Washington, D.C.
When other members git on their high-heeled butes at Washington, debatin' about the admishun of another State, JOHN'S voice is silent.
When debatin' the grate public question of
"Heads I win, tails you lose,"
JOHN is the most elokent man in Saratogy.
If any individual don't beleeve what I say, let him buck agin Mr. M., and he will diskiver that the product of his experience will "Bite like a Jersey skeeter, and sting like one of Recorder HACKETT'S sentences."
As my wife's second cuzzin lives heer, I shall be heer occashonly doorin' the summer seesun, a visitin' her.
I like it heer as a visitor—at Mrs. G's. cuzzin's house, altho', in her eccentricity, she sumtimes doesn't have dinner while I am around, and often she locks the door when I am out after dark.
I sometimes think her family would enjoy theirselves full as well if I wasent there.
Still, that is their look-out, not mine.
A nawin' sensashun withinto me announces the hour of dinner. I must close.
As NAPOLEON remarkt, when he herd that the Plebiscotum had come out ahead:
"Rest a cat in pase, Hunc e doreo" which is a furrin tongue.
Ewers,
HIRAM GEEEN, Esq.
Lait Gustise of the Peece.