THREE FISHERS.
Three fishers went strolling away to the stream,
To the babbling brook where the fishes swim.
Of speckled beauties they all did dream,
And each felt certain they'd bite for him.
For men will tramp from morning till night,
And suffer the fierce mosquito's bite,
And drink to stop their groaning.
Three fishers strolled into the market-place,
'Twas some two hours after the sun went down,
And a look of gloom was on each man's face,
For at empty baskets they each did frown,
For men may fish, but may get no bite,
And tired and hungry go home at night,
And vent their wrath in groaning.
Three fishers strolled into the beer saloon,
Where the crowd sat round and the gas was bright,
And each gaily whistled a merry tune,
And showed his fish with assumed delight,
For men will fish, yea, and men will lie,
And boast of catching the fish they buy,
While inwardly they're groaning.
BULLS IN PARLIAMENT.
Some of the Mixed Metaphors Perpetrated in the English House of Commons Have
Afforded Amusement for the Entire World.
For many years there has been an impression that the linguistic bull is a distinctively Irish animal. The fame of Paddy Bull is world-wide, but the fact is he often is compelled to answer for the sins of his neighbor, Johnnie Bull, who, as a perpetrator of mixed metaphors, is without a peer.
In no deliberative body in the world is the mixed metaphor so much in its element as in the British House of Commons. As examples of its activity in that institution, London Tit-Bits submits the following list:
"Sir, we are told that by this legislation the heart of the country has been shaken to its very foundations."
"Among the many jarring notes heard in this House on military affairs, this subject at least must be regarded as an oasis."
"The interests of the employers and employed are the same nine times out of ten—I will even say ninety-nine times out of ten."
"Our tongues are tied, our hands are fettered, and we are really beating the air to no purpose."
"I will now repeat what I was about to say when the honorable member interrupted me."
"The West Indies will now have a future which they never had in the past."
"A thorny subject which has long been a bone of contention among us."
"A slumbering volcano which at any moment a spark might set aflame."
"The honorable member would denude us of every rag of the principles which we have proclaimed from the housetops."
"Ah! The honorable member opposite shakes his head at that. But he can't shake mine!"
A well-known member of Parliament informed the House that an "oral agreement is not worth the paper it is written on."
Barristers are usually credited with possessing accuracy of speech, but some expressions recently reported indicate that they are capable of a blundering use of words. A member of the bar, in his opening speech for the defense, said:
"Gentlemen of the jury, the case for the crown is a mere skeleton, for, as I shall presently show you, it has neither flesh, blood, nor bones in it."
But a Leeds barrister outdid his competitors when he said fervidly:
"Gentlemen of the jury, it will be for you to say whether this defendant shall be allowed to come into court with unblushing footsteps, with the cloak of hypocrisy in his mouth, and take three bullocks out of my client's pocket with impunity."
In his "One Thousand and One Anecdotes" Alfred H. Miles records some exceptionally amusing bulls. Among these are the following:
Sir Boyle Roche described himself on one occasion as "standing prostrate at the feet of royalty"; and, in the days of threatened rebellion, wrote to a friend: "You may judge of our state when I tell you that I write this with a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other."
Even worse than the foregoing was the climax of an honorable member's speech in the House of Commons: "I smell a rat; I see it floating in the air; and, by heaven, I'll nip it in the bud!"
A Scotchwoman said that the butcher of her town only killed half a beast at a time.
A British magistrate, on being told by a vagabond that he was not married, responded: "That's a good thing for your wife."
A Portuguese mayor enumerated, among the marks by which the body of a drowned man might be identified when found, "a marked impediment in his speech."
A Frenchman, contentedly laying his head upon a large stone jar for a pillow, said it was not hard because he had previously stuffed it with hay.
An American lecturer solemnly said one evening: "Parents, you may have children; or, if not, your daughters may have."
Two Scotchmen were discussing the relative merits of churchyards and cemeteries when one of them boldly expressed his aversion to the latter in the remark, "I'd raither no dee ava than be buried in sic a place"; to which his companion retorted, "Weel, if I'm spared in life an' health, I'll gang naewhere else."
The Part of Chance in Progress.
Fortunate Accidents Frequently Have Opened the Way to the Discovery of
Important Truths Before the Searchlights of Science and
Invention Were Brought Into Play.
Nature has her own ways of telling her secrets to man, and the commonest of those ways is what man chooses to call chance or accident. The words are convenient names and that is about all we know of the phenomena which they are used to describe.
Below are given the stories of a number of important discoveries made by accident. Perhaps it will occur to the reader that none of the discoveries was really accidental, since in each case it was the witnessing of the accident by an intelligent human being which aroused in the mind of that human being the train of thought leading to the discovery. An Australian black might watch a swaying chandelier for ten years, and he would never discover the pendulum. As a rule, special knowledge is required to make "discoveries by accident."
But the apparent working of chance in the incidents told here is obvious:
The power of lenses, as applied to the telescope, was discovered by a watchmaker's apprentice. While holding spectacle-glasses between his thumb and finger, he was startled at the suddenly enlarged appearance of a neighboring church spire.
The art of etching upon glass was discovered by a Nuremberg glass-cutter. By accident a few drops of aqua fortis fell upon his spectacles. He noticed that the glass became corroded and softened where the acid had touched it. That was hint enough. He drew figures upon glass, with varnish, applied the corroding fluid, then cut away the glass around the drawing. When the varnish was removed, the figures appeared raised upon a dark ground.
The swaying to and fro of a chandelier in the cathedral at Pisa suggested to Galileo the application of the pendulum.
The art of lithography was perfected through suggestions made by accident. A poor musician was curious to know whether music could not be etched upon stone as well as copper.
After he had prepared his slab, his mother asked him to make a memorandum of such clothes as she proposed to send away to be washed. Not having pen, ink, and paper convenient, he wrote the list on the stone with the etching preparation, intending to make a copy of it at leisure.
A few days later, when about to clean the stone, he wondered what effect nitric acid would have upon it. He applied the acid, and in a few minutes saw the writing standing out in relief. The next step necessary was simply to ink the stone and take off an impression.
The composition of which printing-rollers are made was discovered by a country printer in England. It was the established custom to ink the type on a printing-press with a pelt-ball—an ink-soaked roll of sheepskin. Having mislaid his pelt-ball, the ingenious Englishman inked the type with a piece of soft glue which had fallen out of the glue-pot. It was such an excellent substitute that, after mixing molasses with the glue to give the mass proper consistency, the old pelt-ball was entirely discarded.
The shop of a London tobacconist, by the name of Lundyfoot, was destroyed by fire. While he was gazing dolefully into the smoldering ruins, he noticed that his poorer neighbors were gathering the snuff from the canisters. He tested the snuff for himself, and discovered that the fire had largely improved its pungency and aroma.
It was a hint worth profiting by. He secured another shop, built a lot of ovens, subjecting the snuff to a heating process, gave the brand a peculiar name, and in a few years became rich.