§ 44
The direct expression of the egoistic-social impulse is the inevitable comparison made by himself between the individual and others. He compares himself unconsciously, if not consciously, with other men in health, strength, wealth, position, and in every other respect; and whether he voices these comparisons to himself or not, he unwittingly acts in accordance with them.
He compares himself with women too. It may safely be said that while there is no possibility of avoiding comparison with members of the same sex, a comparison of oneself with a member of the other sex is the one comparison that ought to be avoided, particularly when sex relations themselves are in question.
By this is meant that if a man compares his wealth with a woman’s he can say either that she has inherited the wealth of another man or, if she has made it herself, which is a comparatively rare instance, though growing less so each day, that she has done so simply by competing with men in egoistic-social activities. A man generally avoids this comparison if he thinks at all.
Children quarrel on egoistic lines regardless of sex. Comparisons thus begin at an age before the erotism in the complete and synthetized state is possible.
A woman, too, apparently makes a comparison between herself and different men, notably her husband. And women make the same comparisons between themselves and other women, but, it will be admitted, with greater emotional discomforts.
In all these comparisons so far mentioned the standard of comparison is an egoistic-social one. But in the erotic sphere not only are comparisons logically impossible, but, where attempts at them are made, there is a lamentable confusion of thought consisting of a rapid shift from one sphere to another. Thus if a man should say to himself, “Woman is more (or less) capable of love than men,” he would be using terms with no sense. For he would mean that woman is more fond of being controlled in her erotic impulses than man is. This is a comparison without sense; because woman, with every fibre of her being, craves to be erotically controlled, while man has no instinctive desire whatever to be controlled. Such a comparison would be as senseless as comparing infinity with zero.
If on the other hand a man should say to himself that woman is more (or less) capable of love than man, he would mean that woman is more desirous of being controlled in the erotic sphere than man is of controlling her. As the fact is that man, innately, is infinitely desirous of controlling and woman is endlessly desirous of being controlled, such a comparison would be as senseless as comparing one infinity with another.
This second useless comparison may be objected to by the people who accept a current opinion that men are more “passionate” than women. This, they believe, is the real cause of the double standard of sexual morality. But all women are potentially, and so are all men, absolutely under the dominance of the erotic motive, and the only difference between men and women is the degree of repression of its outward manifestation, a degree entirely dependent on the circumstances of their upbringing.
If we keep clearly in mind from the outset the inevitability of comparisons between individuals, men or women, in the egoistic-social sphere (a sphere consisting mainly of comparisons) and the utter absurdity of comparisons in the erotic sphere, we shall gain much clarity of thought and subsequently much peace of mind.
Does one woman want, more than another, to be controlled erotically? If she seems to, or says so in clearer words or actions than does another woman, she only happens to be more able to express herself in this way than other women are. Does one man more than another want to control a woman in the erotic sphere? If so, he only happens to have had such experiences that have given him greater erotic insight than the other.
The men who admit that they find money-getting and all that it implies more interesting than making love are only admitting that they have allowed the egoistic-social motives to grow stronger with them than the erotic motives. They are not stating any absolute truth about themselves. They are merely saying that they do not know the truth about themselves, and we listen to them without contradiction for we know that, when they talk about making love, they do not know what we mean by these words. They think that we mean wasting time or wasting substance in riotous living.