THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
I OBJECT TO THE SENATOR FROM MASSACHUSETTS’ SLURRING REMARKS.
Comedy Drama
Entitled
THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
Place—Washington, D. C.
Time—From 1924 to 1930.
Scene—One of the 40 Investigating Rooms of the U. S. Senate.
Cast of Characters—Everybody that ever worked for, or just Worked the United States.
Hero—Senator Walsh, assisted by Lenroot and accomplices.
Villains—Entire list of Who’s Who in America.
The Scene opens on a greasy Monday morning with John F. Major being quizzed by Senator Walsh.
Senator Walsh
Do you work for a Man that runs a Newspaper?
Mr. Major
I draw a salary from him.
Senator Walsh
What right have you to send Telegrams to a Man in Palm Beach if you are only working for him?
Mr. Major
I couldn’t get him on the Telephone.
Senator Walsh
What did you tell him in your Telegrams?
Mr. Major
What was going on in Washington.
Senator Walsh
What did he tell you in his Telegrams to you?
Mr. Major
What was going on in Palm Beach.
Senator Walsh
What was going on at the time in Washington?
Mr. Major
Why the Senate Committee was investigating somebody.
Senator Walsh
Who were they investigating?
Mr. Major
They didn’t know themselves.
Senator Walsh
What did he say was going on in Palm Beach?
Mr. Major
I am ashamed to tell you.
Senator Walsh
Who were these Telegrams from in Palm Beach?
Mr. Major
I can’t remember.
Senator Walsh
Did you lease a Wire from Palm Beach to Washington?
Mr. Major
I can’t remember.
Senator Walsh
Why did you lease the Wire?
Mr. Major
So we could say we had a Wire to Palm Beach. It was good advertising.
Senator Walsh
Who operated this wire?
Mr. Major
A Telegraph Operator.
Senator Walsh
What was his name?
Mr. Major
I think it was Jones, or Smith; maybe it was Brown.
Senator Walsh
Who operated the wire from Palm Beach?
Mr. Major
Johnny.
Senator Walsh
Johnny who?
Mr. Major
Johnny Johnnnny.
Senator Walsh
Did the operator on this end work at the White House also?
Mr. Major
Yes he was the Waiter there.
Senator Walsh
Did he work there during the Republican or Democratic Administration?
Senator Lodge
Mr. Committee, I object to that question. This is not a Partisan affair; I refuse to have the honor and the glory of the Great Republican Party dragged into a thing where up to now their fair name has never been.
Senator Caraway
Mr. Committee, I object to the Senator from Massachusetts’ slurring remarks of the Democratic Party; a Party which has housed such illustrious names as Jefferson, Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown, Bryan, McAdoo, and sometimes Jim Reed.
Mr. Major
Senator Walsh have you got a Cigarette on you?
Senator Walsh
No I just got some cubebs here.
Mr. Major
Never mind I will go across the Street and get some. See you next time I am called.
Senator Walsh
Gentlemen, I think the Committee should retire for a week to consider the Testimony of the Gentleman who has just testified.
Senator Lenroot
But Mr. Chairman, Mr. Doheny’s Yacht is waiting to take him on a Cruise of the Mediterranean, and I don’t think it’s fair to keep him waiting.
Senator Wheeler
Mr. Chairman, I make a motion, that the Committee make a motion, that Attorney General Daugherty resign.
Senator Lodge
Mr. Chairman, I object. His motion is out of order. I had a motion before the Committee asking the Committee asking the Committee to make a motion, to ask him to stay. Now, by all the rules of Parliamentary motion making, mine anti-dates his. And I will stake a Reputation on it that goes back to the first class Passengers that landed from that Mother Ship of mine the Mayflower, who have so gloriously populated the fair state of Massachusetts.
Senator Robinson
Mr. Chairman, I object. The fair state of Arkansas houses one direct descendant of that Plymouth Rock Expedition. And I protest when the Gentleman from Massachusetts claims the entire Cargo of that ill-fated Voyage. Never as long as I represent the majority constituency of my Glorious state will I stand by and hear the ozone swept Ozarks spoken of disparagingly, especially by that Moron State of Massachusetts.
Senator Willis
Gentlemen, I don’t think that Mr. Daugherty should be let out without a trial.
Senator Wheeler
Why, he has had three year’s trial already. His trial is what’s letting him out.
Senator Walsh
Who will we call next?
Doortender
Why just get a Census return, and call anybody’s name on it; they are waiting outside.
Senator La Follette
Why don’t you call somebody unexpectedly, and maybe in their confusion they will tell the truth accidentally.
Senator Lenroot
Who said anything about wanting the truth?
Senator Heflin
I want to ask the Committee why they called on Mr. Fall at his hotel in private.
Senator Walsh
We wanted to see where he got the hundred thousand. We may retire ourselves some day.
Senator Heflin
Why didn’t you tell at the time that you went to see him?
Senator Walsh
Wait a minute, who is running this investigation? Am I supposed to ask the questions, or to answer them?
Senator Lenroot
Where is Sinclair?
Mr. Zeverly
(whose running name is Zev.)
My Client, Mr. Sinclair has gone to the races and it will be impossible for him to appear until after the season is over.
Senator Walsh
Well how about McLane? Can we get him?
Senator Caraway
You can get him by Telegraph, I guess. Everybody else has.
Senator Walsh
Well, where is Detective William J. Burns? He was supposed to testify here today.
Doortender
Mr. Chairman, I met him on the Street and he couldn’t find the Capitol Building.
Senator Moses
I make a motion that we examine the Income Tax and see what Mr. Doheny contributed to the Democratic Campaign Fund.
Senator Jim Reed
I object. Senator Moses is a Republican and he is only throwing a smoke Screen to try and hide his Party behind it. This is not a Partisan question and I object to politics being dragged into it in any way. Let’s handle this thing in a dignified way, and don’t let Politics play any part. As it was the Republicans that did it, I am in favor of justice being served.
Doortender
Mr. Forbes is here and wants to testify.
Entire Senate
“My Lord, Is he in this, too?”
P. S.—This play to be continued until somebody tells the truth.