WELL, WHO IS PRUNES?
2nd Episode of the great Dramatic Serial,
THE TRUTH, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP ME GOD.
Same scene as the first Episode—the Third Degree Room of the Grand Jury of the United States Senate. Mr. Senator Walsh leading question asker of a body of men noted for their inquisitiveness.
Doortender of This Torture Chamber
Who will we call first today?
Senator Walsh
Call the Editorial Writer of that newspaper.
Doorman
But, Mr. Walsh, we just called him yesterday.
Senator Walsh
I know we did but call him again. A whole lot is happening in this country between yesterday and today. Now Mr. Bennett who was it that you referred to as the Principal in those wires to Palm Beach?
Mr. Bennett
Why, Senator Curtis.
Senator Heflin
Curses on the Luck. I thought it was Coolidge.
Senator Harrison
Wish it had of been Coolidge. It’s no novelty to get a Senator in Wrong.
Senator Walsh
What did you confer with Curtis about?
Mr. Bennett
About the Editorial Policy of our Paper.
Senator Walsh
Well what does the Editorial Policy of any Paper amount to? You don’t suppose anybody reads those things do you? Why one Ad is worth more to a paper than 40 Editorials. That will be all for you Mr. Bennett.
Senator Caraway
Just a minute before you go. Who was Peaches in those Telegrams?
Mr. Bennett
I don’t remember.
Senator Robinson
Yes, and who was Prunes? I hope it referred to no Democrat.
Senator Walsh
Call Mr. Curtis.
Senator Walsh
Senator Curtis, will you tell the Grand Jury in your own way just what happened between you and this Editorial Writer of the Washington Post.
Mr. Curtis
Yes Sir.
Senator Walsh
What was it?
Mr. Curtis
Nothing.
Senator Walsh
You mean you didn’t confer with this Gentleman?
Mr. Curtis
I did not.
Senator Walsh
But you know him?
Mr. Curtis
Never saw him in my life.
Senator Walsh
But you have heard of him?
Mr. Curtis
Never in my life.
Senator Walsh
But you know of the Washington Post?
Mr. Curtis
Yes sir, I have heard it.
Senator Walsh
Heard it? What do you mean you heard it?
Mr. Curtis
I have heard Sousa’s Band play it many a time.
Senator Walsh
Play what?
Mr. Curtis
Washington’s Post.
Senator Walsh
It’s not a tune; it’s a Newspaper. You talk like a Congressman. Where are you from?
Mr. Curtis
Kansas.
Senator Walsh
That will be all.
Senator Caraway
Just a minute, Mr. Curtis, Who is Peaches?
Mr. Curtis
I don’t know unless it’s Jim Reed.
Senator Heflin
Just a minute. I object to the Republican Senator’s slur on the fair name of the Democratic Party. This Investigation is supposed to be Non Sectarian, and I object to having Politics dragged in, just to make a Republican Holiday.
Senator Robinson
And I want to know who Prunes was.
Mr. Curtis
You mean you want to know who Prunes IS.
Senator Lenroot
Mr. Walsh, and Gentlemen of the Vigilance Committee there is a Bell Boy over at my Hotel and he just got it from the chauffeur of a Prominent Oil Man, that Major Leonard Wood’s Son had just heard that his Father was offered the Nomination for the Presidency 3 and a Half years ago, if he would appoint Mr. Jake Hamon Secretary of the Interior. Now that is a very serious charge, and one that I think this Committee should look into at once. Public affairs have come to a fine Climax when a Man in this Country offers to make another one President. I tell you it is undermining the confidence of the Great American People and when you do that you shake the very Bulwarks of the American Constitution. I think a Subpœna should be issued for Mr. Wood’s Son at once and if this is so I am for a swift and speedy trial for the Culprits.
Senator Walsh
I am for calling Mr. Wood himself. There’s one thing that this Committee has proven that it won’t take, and that is Hear Say Evidence. So call Mr. Wood himself.
Mr. Moses
(The Senator one, Not the Apostle One)
But, Mr. Walsh, Mr. Wood is in the Philippines.
Senator Walsh
I thought he was home. Haven’t they got their Independence yet?
Mr. Moses
No, Mr. Coolidge wouldn’t give it to them.
Senator Walsh
What’s the matter? Have they struck oil, too?
Mr. Moses
No, Mr. Coolidge told them that a Nation that would not support Wood’s Administration certainly would not be able to support one of their own.
Senator Heflin
Well, how did America get Independence? They didn’t support Wood.
Senator Reed
Who said we had any independence?
Senator Lodge
(The Confucius of Nahant)
I object to having the President of these United States’ name dragged into this thing. I think when a Man occupies the exalted position that he does that his name should not be degraded by having it mentioned in The Senate. Now I know that he is doing the best he can. I have known him ever since he got prominent enough for me to know. In the eight months that I have known him, I have found him to be patient, honest, and a Man who would not knowingly rob a single Filipino of his Liberty. This is simply a Political trick to drag his name into this Philippine muddle.
Senator Heflin
Yes but he sent the Filipinos the Wire didn’t he! And it’s wires that we are here to investigate ain’t it?
Senator Harrison
Does the exalted Senator from Massachusetts recall that during the late Democratic Administration, he himself during the talk on European Affairs mentioned not only once, but twice, the name of the then President, Mr. Wilson? Now he don’t want us to mention his President.
Senator Heflin
Well it’s funny to me that a Country can’t get their Liberty, when they have advanced far enough to have the Champion Bantamweight Prize Fighter of the World. I know Countries that have their Liberty, when they can’t even produce a good Golf Player and that’s the lowest form of Civilization.
Senator Caraway
I would like to ask Mr. Lodge if he knows who Peaches is.
Senator Lodge
I do not. It’s the only subject I ever admitted being ignorant on.
Senator Robinson
Well, I want to know who Prunes IS.
Senator Lodge
You mean who Prunes AM, don’t you?
Senator Robinson
Darn it; that man is a bear on Grammar.
Senator Walsh
I think the committee should adjourn until we can get Mr. Wood himself.
Doorman
Excuse me, Mr. Walsh, but there is a Gentleman out here who wants to testify in regard to the Doheny and Sinclair leases. What can I tell him?
Senator Walsh
Oh, yes, I had forgotten about those. Tell him as soon as we get this Wood for President affair settled, and Jack Dempsey’s mysterious sickness, and Babe Ruth’s collapse, that we will be able to get to that Oil Lease thing again.
Senator Copeland
Mr. Walsh, I was in New York last night and I heard Mr. Vanderlip make a Speech to the Rotary Club of Coney Island, and he said, “I have it on absolutely reliable authority that George Washington never crossed the Delaware. That fellow you see in the Picture in the middle of the Boat was a fellow doubling for him, and if I am called I will be glad to give this information that I possess to the Senate Investigating Committee.”
Senator Walsh
Mr. Secretary, call Mr. Vanderlip at once.
Mr. Lenroot
Let’s not call him until tomorrow, Mr. Walsh, as he will make another speech tonight perhaps on what he discovered about Lincoln. So we can quiz him on both men at once.
Mr. Caraway
Well, before we adjourn, I want to know who Peaches is.
Mr. Robinson
Well, I want to know who Prunes WERE.