A POETICAL REPORT OF THE DOVER CROPPING CASE.
In Dover jail two actors were locked up to wait for bail:
They had committed a most grave offence 'gainst common sense;
For, out of empty boxes,
Pit, and galleries,
They hoped one of the cunningest of Foxes
Would pay their salaries.
But this was not to be;
And so, to settle matters in a crack,
They both resolved, if they fell short, that he,
At least, should have his whack.
The managers' exchequer, it was known,
Was one of those allowed by all to be
To cash related in the same degree
As blood to stone.
The two comedians demanded cash!
The manager, (his plan was rather rash),
Upon their absence of attraction,
His actors did begin to twit,
When it was proved to more than satisfaction
That two of them, at least, could make a hit.
"Stop," "stop!" exclaim'd the manager, enraged,
"Nor plant your weighty blows upon my nose;
You for the heavy business are not both engaged."
But now in Dover jail confined,
To pass the time while bail is coming,
They both for singing feel inclined,
And well-known tunes they set to humming;
But soon the jailor, passing by, prepares
To make them stop their singing,
And, as they wont, a pair of scissors bringing,
He comes, and straight cuts short their (h)airs.
"'Twas right, no doubt," said Justice Lout,
But Graham thought "quite t'other;"
And so the jailer bundled out,
Nor stopp'd to tell his mother.
INFANT EDUCATION.
BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY.
The grand aim of modern infant education is to make learning very attractive; to invest Lindley Murray with a magnetic power over the pupil's mind, and dress Dilworth in an adhesive plaster that shall cause all the little boys in the kingdom to stick to it. If Mavor's Spelling can be converted into a magic spell, there is a hope that the infant population may be charmed into an appreciation of ba, be, bi, bo, bu; and such will be the progress of education that we may have, before the expiration of a century, universities at which the wet nurse and the professor may be alike required to attend to the physical and intellectual wants of the infant students. A Bachelor of Arts will not only be entitled to the distinction of B.A., but may add the letters B.Y. to complete his description. It has already been suggested that philosophy should be taught by toys, and it will be easy to give a lecture on the laws of motion, illustrated by a game at marbles, or to explain the theory of equations by reference to the pleasing pastime of nine-pins.
The Pons Asinorum, that has puzzled many of our modern youth, will be much more easily overcome when a real donkey-ride is resorted to; and the difficult process of looking for the square root will be greatly facilitated by a spade, when the student finds himself sent forth to dig in the garden of science.
Already has the worthy Mr. Wilderspin introduced, in many places, the agreeable system of making fun of school; and if he would only consent to put his infant pupils into the fantastical caps and gowns which are worn at the universities, the joke would be still richer than it is at present. "To that complexion we shall come at last;" and if education is to be made game of, the sooner we go "the whole hog," the better.
The following is an extract from a report that is intended to illustrate the enormous success of the Wilderspin system:—
Teacher. What is this I hold in my hand?
Children. A piece of glass.
Teacher. What can you do with it?
Children. Scrape slate pencil.
Teacher. What else? what can your eyes do with it?
Children. Look at it.
BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY—In advance of the age.
Teacher. If you put it to your eye can you see through it?
Children. Not if you shut your eye.
Teacher. Can you break glass?
Children. We'll try (one child breaks a window).
Teacher. Then glass is brittle?
Children. Rather.
Teacher. Will the shutter break?
Children. We are not going to try that.
Teacher. (Striking the shutter violently). Now, what have I done?
Children. Made a great noise, and hurt your own knuckles.
Teacher. What is wax?
Children. A soft substance.
Teacher. Is there any other sort of wax that is not soft?
Children. Yes, the whacks you give us when we don't know our lessons.
Teacher. What does a cow give us?
Children. Nothing.
Teacher. Well, what does the milkman give us?
Children. He gives us nothing; we buy it.
Teacher. What do we buy from him?
Children. Milk and water.
Teacher. What's this?
Children. A frying-pan.
Teacher. What use does your mother make of it?
Children. She sometimes beats father about the head with it.
Teacher. Has your mother got a mangle?
Children. No, she's sold it.
Teacher. What colour is the orange?
Children. Orange colour.
Teacher. How large is this orange which I hold in my hand?
Children. As big again as a half.
Teacher. How long will oranges keep in this climate?
Children. Not a day, when you get hold of them.
Teacher. That will do; you may go home.
Children. Thankee, sir.