ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH.—The wonderful efficacy of the Morising Pills becomes every day more perspicuous. The discerning Public swallows 'em 'like winking;' and we defies all opposition, and the Weakly attempts of our enemies to Dispatch us. We tells those as calls us quacks, that, under the blessing of Divine Providence, we glories in our ignorance; and takes every opportunity of exposing it, for the benefit of our suffering fellow-creatures. And we have found them a sovereign remedy for ourselves; having, for a long while, been afflicted with an emptiness of the chest, and a great deficiency of the yellow-stuff, all which terrible symptoms have speedily disappeared; so we feels in duty bound to propagate our pills to the remotest prosperity.

The following are selected out of several millions of cases, furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove the never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.

Most Respected Sir,

Being clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good sense to believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I don't know who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally efficacious in all ages and constitutions, from the infant of a week old, to the old man of eighty; and being, moreover, equally well convinced that it is quite unreasonable to place any sort of trust or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific education, who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical profession;—and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and exceeding likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be reserved for those who are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, and whose perfect disinterestedness is manifested by their being contented with the trifling remuneration derived from the credulity of the British public;—I say, Sir, for all these reasons I have become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.

Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like yourself, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to recommend them on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large doses, on which I observe you lay peculiar stress; and very justly: for does it not follow, as a matter of course, that if six pills do a certain quantity of good, six thousand must, as a natural consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the patient must be six thousand times the better for them? There are some censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the more money I get by them; but I need not assure you that, in this respect, my motives are quite as disinterested as your own.

Yours ever to command,

FRANCIS FLEECE'EM.

P.S.—Please to send me a dozen wagon loads of No. 1 Pills, and the same of No. 2 Pills, as early as possible. I hand you the following cases, which have come under my own knowledge:—

To the Haygent for the Morising Pils.

Onerr'd Sur,

This hear kums 2 akwaint you that havein lost my happytight i tuk to takein your Morising Pils witch i only begun with takein 5 hundred hat a time witch had the blessed defect of turnin me inside out and I felt in a wery pekooliar citywation witch discurraged me 2 parsewere and i tuk 1 thousen hat a doze by witch I was turned outside in by witch my happytight was kwite discuvvered witch was a grate blessin for my whife who is bigg in the famylyar way with 12 smal childern with grate happytights all threw your pils and I ham now Abel to wurk and yarn my 12 shillin a weak So no more hat presnt from your

umbel Serv't to command

GREGORY GUDGEON.

No. 9,

Nobody-knows-where Street,

Jericho,

Feb. the 32nd, 1836.

Sir,

A most respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his improvement at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton Tread Mill.

For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant mode of recreation; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an invention by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day, without the inconvenience of changing the scene. But, somehow or other, being a man of very ardent temperament, he entered so much into the spirit of the amusement that—but I scarcely know how to describe it, lest I should be suspected of exaggeration, a fault I hold in the greatest abhorrence—in short, we have all of us heard of pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of having nearly walked their feet off; but my unfortunate friend literally did so; and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking on upon his bare stumps; nor would it have been discovered, had not his feet, on finding that they had no longer the power of motion, determined that nothing else should have that power; and spitefully stopped the mill, by getting entangled in the machinery.

The kind-hearted governor, who witnessed the occurrence, told my friend not to mind such a trifle, but to morris on. This happy expression brought to his mind your justly famous Morrissing Pills; and being naturally desrious of recovering his footing, a messenger was morrissed off for a supply. At the first dose, he only swallowed a dozen boxes, which had no very visible effect; a thing not to be wondered at; because, as you justly observe in your advertisements, it is impossible to take too many. The following night, however, he trebled the quantity; and, next morning, being awakened by what seemed the shooting of his corns, he put his hand down, and found a pair of full-grown handsome feet, more than twice as big as his old ones. I should observe, there was one trifling deviation,—the heels were foremost; and, on getting out of bed, and attempting to walk towards the mill, he found an invariable tendency to proceed in an opposite direction. On the circumstance being observed by the governor, he very kindly told him not to afflict himself on that head, as he found all his pupils at first had a similar propensity; but, by a strict attention to a bread-and-water regimen, and a small quantity of blood being drawn from the back by one of his amiable assistants, they soon so far recovered, that the mere presence of himself, or one of his assistants, was quite sufficient to prevent a relapse. My friend suggested that a dose, or even the promise of a dose, of the Morrissing Pills would be much more certain to prove efficacious; and the governor very politely promised to give them a trial, as he confessed, he said, that the operation of bleeding was particularly painful to his tender feelings.

As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of life, my respected friend seems to think that it can make but little difference, as he has always gone backward all his life-time; indeed, it is a question with him whether it is not an advantage; as, instead of mixing in mobs and frays, as he was very much in the habit of doing, his feet will now carry him in a clean contrary direction, quite out of harm's way.

I remain, respected Sir,

Your gullible Servant,

GILES GOSLING.

No. 1,

Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane,

No-where Street.

Sir,

I beg to inform you that a poor man was blown to atoms by the explosion of the Powder Mills on Hounslow Heath. His affectionate wife, who happened to be passing at the time, carefully picked up the fragments, and placed them together; and, by administering a dose of the Universal Medicine, he was able to walk home, and eat a hearty dinner of bacon and cabbage.

If any person should doubt the truth of the above statement, I beg you will refer them to me, when I will fully satisfy all inquiries. I am easily found out,—as everybody knows me.

Your obedient Servant,

GILES GAMMON.

No. 1, Blarneygig Place,

Salisbury Plain,

next door to Stonehenge.

P.S.—I forgot to add, that the poor woman, in the hurry of the moment, made a small mistake, by placing the head of a donkey, which had been blown off by the explosion, upon her husband's shoulders, instead of his own; but she says it is of very little consequence, as very few of his acquaintance could perceive any difference.

NOVEMBER.			[1835.

		Now razors and ropes are in great requisition;
		So I humbly propose that 'the House' we petition
		(To prevent this sad use of the halter and knife),
		That each felo de se be transported for life.
M	Season's	Odd Matters.	WEATHER.
D	Signs.
1	fogs
			By the past
2	bogs	GUNPOWDER PLOT.
			♅ ☋ ♌ ♃ ♓
3	and	'Tis good to remember
		The Fifth of November,	we do
4	vapours	Gunpowder, treason, and plot;
		There's abundance of reason	predict of
5	blue	To think of the treason,
		Then why should it e'er be forgot?	the future,
6	devilry
		Our sympathies thrive	by which
7	capers	By keeping alive
		Such sweet little hatreds as these;	I do
8	good	And folks love each other
		As dear as a brother,	discern the
9	bye	Whose throat they are ready to squeeze.
			likelihood
10	hope	I delight in the joys
		Of the vagabond boys,
11	welcome	When they're burning Guy Vaux and the Pope;	⚹ ♀ ♈ ☍
		It the flame keeps alive,
12	rope	It makes bigotry thrive,	of the
		And gives it abundance of scope.
13	dangling		weather
		'Tis a beautiful truth
14	strangling	For the minds of our youth,	being
		And will make 'em all Christians indeed;
15	frowning	For the Church and the State
		Thus to teach 'em to hate	♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎
16	drowning	All those of a different creed.
			in some
17	oh!	It is two hundred years
		Since our ancestors' fears	sort the
18	Johnny	Were arous'd by this blood-thirsty fox;
		But often, since then,
19	Bull	Our parliament men	♈ ☊ ♍
		Have been awfully blown up by Vaux.
20	what a		same as
		Now, they cannot deny
21	silly	They're afraid of their Guy;	usual,
		And some of them earnestly hope,
22	old	He may fancy a swing
		At the end of a string;	♊ ♒ ☿ ♍
23	fool!	And they promise him plenty of rope.
			unless the
24	wait
			Comet do
25	to the
			make an
26	end
			alteration
27	and
			therein as I
28	all
			have heretofore
29	will
			noted.
30	mend

NOVEMBER.

DECEMBER.

1835.]		DECEMBER.

		At length, I've come to the end of my tether;
		I've told you all about the weather,
		And a great deal more, take it altogether,
		So now my twelvemonth's work is done,
		I'm your obedient,—Rigdum Fun.
M	Season's	Odd Matters.	WEATHER.
D	Signs.
1	head
			Take note,
2	back	BOXING DAY.
			☌ ♉ ⚹ ♀ ♊
3	belly	Of all the joys the seasons bring,
		(And most, alas! have flown away,)	frost
4	knees	I dearly do delight to sing
		The pleasures of a Boxing Day.	and snow
5	teeth
		For then a host of smiling folks	♓ ♐
6	toes	Are anxious their respects to pay,
		And tell me (would it were a hoax!)	may be
7	nose	That, 'if I please,' it's Boxing Day.
			expected
8	aching	Those doleful Waits, who've lain in wait,
		To scare my balmy sleep away,	this month,
9	quaking	Like bravoes, who've despatch'd their job,
		Now claim reward on Boxing Day.
10	chattering		⚹ ♄ ♓ ☉ ♄
		The Milkmaid, who deals out sky-blue,
11	clattering	(Her tally's double-scor'd, they say,)	but
		With smiling face, of rosy hue,
12	freezing	A curtsey drops on Boxing Day.	be not sure

13	sneezing	The Baker's man, who brings me bread	of their
		As heavy as a lump of clay,
14	O rare	And bricks as hard as any stone,	coming,
		I can't refuse on Boxing Day.
15	Christmas		♀ ♐ ♄ ♑ ♊
		As I was walking in the street,
16	fare	I met the Butcher with his tray;	then shall
		He thrust the corner in my eye,—
17	a fig	I'll think of him on Boxing Day.	you

18	for care	The Scavenger, who plaster'd me,	not be
		When dress'd in wedding-suit so gay,
19	kiss	Now hopes I 'von't forget, d'ye see,	disappointed
		As how that this here's Boxing Day.'
20	below
		My house on fire—no turncock found;	♐ ☽ ♀ ♉
21	the	My house burnt down—he came to say,
		He hop'd that I'd reward his zeal,	and
22	misteltoe	And think of him on Boxing Day.
			if it be
23	laugh	The Bellman, Dustman, Chimney-sweep,
		Bring up the rear in smart array,
24	quaff	And all get drunk, and strip to fight,	♃ ☌ ♈ ⊕ ♐
		To prove it is a Boxing Day.
25	never		fine summer

26	fear		weather,

27	with		then

28	merry		I say again

29	glee		♐ ♀ ☉

30	conclude		bethink you

31	the year		of the Comet