AN EPISTLE
From SIR JOHN NORTH to RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, Gent.
Dear Rig.—Have you read my famous book,
About the wonderful route I took;
Through frost and snow, how I went so far,
To stare in vain at the polar star,
And how I sought by night and noon
To bag the beams of the arctic moon;
And how it was far beyond a joke
To think my steam should end in smoke;
With all the spiteful things I said,
As I knock'd the engine on the head;
And how I've fill'd up countless pages
With sneers at the "Useful Knowledge" sages;
And about the land of the Esquimaux,
Where I gave a squeeze to many a squaw;
But sighed to think that a time must come
To clear them off by "the force of Rum;"
And how I came to an island blest,
Which foot of man had never press'd,
And grateful to the Spinning Gin-ny,
That lined my purse with many a guinea,
I straightway handed down to fame
A Smithfield Booth's immortal name?
I did such deeds as would make you stare;
'Twere a bore to tell how I kill'd a bear;
Or how, for want of a better meal,
I seal'd the fate of many a seal.
And have you read that, to crown the whole,
I'm almost sure I found the Pole;
('Twas twirling round, on its centre set,
Like an opera dancer's pirouette,)
And though the fog as thick did look
As a certain stupid quarto book,
One night I saw a vision fair,
Of knighthood's honours in the air;
And how, agog to reach my glory,
I hasten'd home to print my story;
And how I thought 'twould have been no blame
To have left behind the halt and lame,
Dead weights that, everybody knows,
Are only fit to feed the crows?
For if, Dear Rig., you'll only look,
All this, and more, is in my book.
The Comet, which has so long been looked for, suddenly made its appearance here on the 5th inst. between the hours of four and five in the morning, and the servant maids were pretty particularly astonished when they arose, to find that its tail had lighted all their fires, and boiled all their kettles for breakfast. For this piece of service they have christened it the "tail of love."—American Paper.
OCTOBER.—'St. Crispin's Day'
| 1836.] | OCTOBER. | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| The sum of Summer is cast at last, | |||
| And carried to Wintry season, | |||
| And the frighten'd leaves are leaving us fast; | |||
| If they stayed it would be high trees-on. | |||
| The sheep, exposed to the rain and drift, | |||
| Are left to all sorts of wethers, | |||
| And the ragged young birds must make a shift, | |||
| Until they can get new feathers. | |||
| M | Season's | Odd Matters. | WEATHER. |
| D | Signs. | ||
| 1 | Now | ||
| 2 | heroes | "ST CRISPIN'S DAY." | moweth |
| 3 | bold | AN ECLOGUE. | his grass, |
| 4 | in | CORDWAINERIUS. | ♀ ♃ ⊕ ♎ ♐ |
| 5 | leather | Arise, Cobblerius, cast thy awl away, | |
| The sun is up, and 'tis Saint Crispin's Day. | when he | ||
| 6 | breeches | Leave vulgar snobs to mend plebeian soles, | |
| For you and I will jollify, by goles! | should leave | ||
| 7 | do | ||
| COBBLERIUS. | them | ||
| 8 | leap | ||
| A seedy poet, lodging next the sky, | |||
| 9 | o'er | Came yesternight, entreating me to try | ♉ ☍ ♈ ♀ |
| And mend his understanding by the noon; | |||
| 10 | five | When that is done, I'm yours for a blue moon. | |
| standing; | |||
| 11 | barred | CORDWAINERIUS. | |
| 12 | gates | Then while you cobble, let us chaunt a stave: | ♒ ☿ ♊ ♍ ☽ |
| We're "Temp'rance" folks, so let the theme be grave. | |||
| 13 | and | Let's sing yon palace to the God of Gin: | |
| Who pipes the best, a pot of malt shall win. | the sick man | ||
| 14 | ditches | ||
| COBBLERIUS. | throweth off | ||
| 15 | the | ||
| I take your challenge—to your plan agree; | his | ||
| 16 | perils | Yon Costermonger shall our umpire be. | |
| warm | |||
| 17 | of | COSTERMONGERIUS. | |
| clothing, | |||
| 18 | the | I'm bottle-holder for a glass of max; | |
| So clear your pipes, my jolly cocks o' vax. | |||
| 19 | field | ☌ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ | |
| CORDWAINERIUS. | |||
| 20 | to | ⚹ ♏ ♀ | |
| "Here, sprightly folks, by spirits turn'd to sprites, | |||
| 21 | dare | Whose rosy cheeks are chang'd to lily whites, | ☿ ♄ |
| Caught in the snares of Gin, rue not their ruin, | |||
| 22 | and | But do their best, to do their own undoing!" | |
| when he | |||
| 23 | hunt | COBBLERIUS. | |
| 24 | that | "Rum customers, who're far more sad than funny, | should wrap |
| Here get no trust when they have spent their money: | |||
| 25 | furious | No pay no potion;—by this rule they stick; | |
| The lighted dial, only, goes on tick." | himself up | ||
| 26 | beast | ||
| CORDWAINERIUS. | |||
| 27 | the | ☊ ♓ ☋ ♌ | |
| "Here, Mothers, by some devilish fiend possest, | |||
| 28 | hare! | Drive their poor infants from the port of Breast; | closer; |
| And 'stead of mother's milk, whene'er they scream, | |||
| 29 | Oh, | Stop their shrill crying with a glass of cream." | ♀ ♏ ⚹ |
| 30 | courage | COBBLERIUS. | the |
| 31 | rare! | "Here compounds dire, which ne'er can cordials be, | ♂ ☽ ☌ ♄ |
| Turn seedy fellows into felos de se."— | |||
| COSTERMONGERIUS. | |||
| Just stow your magging, for you've piped enough, | |||
| And, blow me, if I ever heard sich stuff! | |||
| Vy, vhat's the hods, I'll be so bold to ax, | |||
| 'Twixt swilling heavy vet, and swigging max? | |||
| So stow your staves, and as it's chilly veather, | |||
| Ve'll mix the max and heavy vet together: | |||
| And then, my lads o' leather, you shall see | |||
| How cosily the mixture vill agree. | |||
ANNUAL REGISTER
OF
REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES.
Jan. 13th.—Three young men on the Serpentine cutting a figure of six, about nine in the morning of twelfth day, were two careless, though warned be-four, to weight the reading of the Society's "not-ice," so popped into sixteen feet water. They were speedily helped out of the ice-well, and resolved to cut away and not come again.
21st.—An Omnibus Cad was brought before the Lord Mayor, charged with having been guilty of civility to a passenger, by neglecting to bang the door against his stern, in time to throw him on his head. His Lordship said such conduct was unprecedented; but as the man, in extenuation, proved that he had cried "go on," while another gentleman was getting off, he thought the case did not call for interference. The culprit, however, was dismissed by the Paddington committee, lest his example should contaminate the others.
Feb. 4th.—The following horrible event occurred in a family lately arrived from India. A female of colour, one of the establishment, was sitting by the fire, with two of her dark little progeny by her side, when a black footman, remarkable for his savage disposition, suddenly entered the room, seized one of them in each hand, hurried to the water cistern, and plunging in the struggling little ones, held them till life was extinct. In vain the distracted mother implored compassion; the bystanders seemed to think there was no law against drowning kittens.
March 12th.—An elderly gentleman, crossing Fleet Street, was driven through by the Perseverance Omnibus. He was carried into the nearest shop, and, after taking six boxes of Morison's pills, felt so little inconvenience that he expressed his determination to keep the orifice open, so as not to be an obstruction to carriages in future.
8th.—On Thursday, died Old Tom, the Leadenhall Market Gander, after having worthily supported the city dignity for thirty years. The Court of Aldermen attended his funeral, and his deeds were not forgotten by the City Remembrancer. His spirit still haunts the old spot, and nightly takes in his favourite stuffing of sage and onions, and the poulterers say they always know the ghost when they see him a-gobblin.
26th.—Mr. Morison was elected principal of Brazen-nose College on presenting to its library a copy of his treatise on Assurance, with tables of the average termination of life, as deduced from the last returns of the pills of mortality.
April 1st.—According to annual custom, a considerable number of persons assembled this morning on Tower Hill to see the Lions washed. It was, however, officially notified that, the menagerie having been broken up, they could not be gratified, but that his Majesty, in order to prevent their entire disappointment, would, for this occasion, substitute the shaving of a Donkey; with a recommendation that each individual do perform the ceremony at his own home in future.
14th.—The Hackney Coaches of the Metropolis met at their usual resting time, which lasts from sixty minutes past twelve on Saturday night till sixty minutes before one on Sunday morning, and resolved to petition Parliament in favour of Sir Andrew's Sunday Bill. They complained that though on that day they always had more fare, they had no more food, for though they were never without the taste of a bit, they had no leisure to bite; and that though the weather might be ever so fine, for them it was always rein-y. They, however, did not wish to make exorbitant demands, and would be quite satisfied if Sunday, to others a day of joy, might be to them a day of "Wo." Earl Grey was asked to present the petition, and signified "yea" by saying "neigh."
May 5th.—The attention of the passengers in Salisbury Square was excited by observing an inhabitant come out at the attic window of a house (No. 66), and pass along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was known to be on bad terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They approached each other with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a furious struggle;—both fell from the parapet;—fortunately escaping the iron spikes below, and alighting on their feet, each spit at the other, cried "moll-row," and rushed down his own area.
15th.—As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his Christian charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and instantly pecked up by the voracious little animals, who, strange to say, did not seem at all inconvenienced by the extraordinary meal.
June 3rd.—A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart ruts, called "The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been heard of since.
9th.—At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the secretary reported that though the Leeks had all ceased, he was happy to say there was no diminution of Salaries; that they had got over all the soft mud, which was hard; but they had now to get under a hard rock, which was harder; that their money in the stocks was expended in digging stones; and that they had not reached the opposite Bank, though they had exhausted their Banker; and that, in all probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see the end of their labour; for however light they might make of it, they were more in the dark than ever. The meeting, in great discontent, divided without a dividend; and, grunting like hogs, pronounced the whole a great bore.
July 5th.—The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they had made their way to the Paddington Canal Bank, had broken open the Locks, and abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly "drunk on the premises." Their return home in that state caused suspicion to fall on them, and their apartments being searched, the stolen property was found concealed in their trunks, together with pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in a very mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much run upon, owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The culprits showed their teeth at the charge, as hard as ivory, and speechified at length, but a clear case being established, they offered their pledges for better behaviour; however, the worthy magistrate stopped their spouting, and sent them to the treadmill. The office was crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered to become bail for them.
21st.—At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of presenting Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to send to Cable Street for a hundred yards of Wopping Thread, and in the evening one of the maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire, to work a button-hole of a new shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park.
August 4th.—On Sunday, the 2nd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the Zoological Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the interesting animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were seized with convulsions, and have been in a nervous state ever since.
17th.—An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning. She was too poor to keep a shop, so was committed to the Counter. It appeared that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the Gravesend Sunday boats.
26th.—A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine Gala, were caught in a gale. The Catastrophe happened off the Isle of Dogs, and the hurricane setting in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to stand firm, for partners were driven "right and left;" the "Ladies' chain" was broken off in the middle, and "The Lancers" totally put to the rout. The chimney fell in the midst of a cadence, and the mast was shivered during a shake, but the musicians were all ruined, for their instruments were blown beyond Fidlers' reach.
Sept. 1st.—The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry Street, when the figure of Fieschi became visibly agitated, and attempted to discharge the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its being a sham, and not loaded, saved the Duke from the fate intended for his father.
5th.—The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been smoked a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on giving it an autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf. For this purpose, the (Holy) Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess played the pipe, and a committee of Countesses worked the pumps. The figure was then invested in a new shirt, presented by Her Majesty, against the cold weather.
20th.—A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near Urn bay, resolved to drink tea. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company, proposed music in the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered "The Land;" but, in getting up to C above, she overreached herself, and fell into the sea below. At first, Mr. Bullion feared she would prove dead stock on his hands, but he soon saw she was floating, capital; so he bargained with some dredgers to give her an hoister on board again. The natives were greatly alarmed at the occurrence.
Oct. 3rd.—Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality, with illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre.
7th.—The Penitentiary at Millbank was partly destroyed by fire; luckily the flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fé of the fair penitents, many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of untimely end. The treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great inconvenience of several industrious persons who were practising on it, to qualify themselves for places of service where there was a good deal of running upstairs.
12th.—The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law, deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the organ of the rest, to demand a restoration of their pipes. The overseers withstood her fire, and refused her smoke; however, at the suggestion of one of their body who had learned Latin, they consented to allow her a "Quid pro quo."
Nov. 15th.—The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly meeting. The report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met with great success. In the following meritorious cases the large silver medal was awarded:—To Diana Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of eels before she skinned them; to Simon Soft, for boiling his lobsters in cold water; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod with a blunted knife; and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In other quarters humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans Lever, for drubbing a donkey with the thin end of his cudgel, at the request of an officer of this Society; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to keep a plaster on his pony's raw, except on pleasure parties, and other occasions requiring extra persuasion. The thanks of the Society were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New River Head, for using dead worms as a bait: and the gold medal to the same gentleman, for his practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also offered by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall enable a bullock's back to resist a whacking.
Dec. 7th.—Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's ghost, which appeared in the shape of a moving Mass, with cloven feet, a long tail, and the Pope's eye in the middle of his forehead.
18th.—During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers, irritated by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed, after several tremendous efforts to escape, broke from their confinement, and sprang among the spectators. Three young ladies from a boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious animals next turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who, proving rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he did by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle.
NOVEMBER.—'Lord Mayor's Day'
| 1836.] | NOVEMBER. | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| When good Sir John has carried his bill, | |||
| No dread of Term shall the poet fill, | |||
| The Scholar shall write, and fear no writ, | |||
| No White Cross bars shall bar his wit, | |||
| The Fleet, unmann'd, no more alarm, | |||
| The King's Bench be but an empty Form. | |||
| M | Season's | Odd Matters. | WEATHER. |
| D | Signs. | ||
| 1 | Murky | ||
| 2 | burky | LORD MAYOR'S SHOW. | stage-coach |
| 3 | damp | I sing of a jolly day, | traveller |
| A civical holiday; | |||
| 4 | and | Some call a folly day: | ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ |
| Weather is foggified; | |||
| 5 | drear | Mechanics get groggified, | |
| Citizens hoggified: | journeyeth | ||
| 6 | see | The rain it is drizzling, | |
| Mizzling, frizzling; | |||
| 7 | this | Streets are all slippery; | ♈ ☊ ♍ |
| Girls sport their frippery: | |||
| 8 | gloomy | Sweethearts are squeezing 'em, | |
| Pleasing 'em,—teazing 'em. | outside | ||
| 9 | month | Rabble are bawling, O! | |
| Women are squalling, O! | |||
| 10 | appear | Banners are waving, | the vehicle; |
| Policemen are staving | |||
| 11 | London | On heads misbehaving: | |
| Ward beadles bustling, | |||
| 12 | fill'd | Pickpockets hustling; | □ ♃ △ ♂ |
| People tip-toeing it: | |||
| 13 | with | Swell mob are going it, | |
| Making sly snatches | when | ||
| 14 | slush | At brooches and watches. | |
| Horses are neighing, | he should | ||
| 15 | and fog | Urchins huzzaing; | |
| Trumpets are braying; | snugly | ||
| 16 | looks | Trombones are grumbling, | |
| Bassoons are rumbling, | ensconce | ||
| 17 | just | Clarinets speaking, | |
| Piccoloes squeaking. | himself | ||
| 18 | like an | See, there goes the armour man; | |
| Ne'er was a calmer man; | within; | ||
| 19 | Irish | Sitting inside the mail, he | |
| Looks a little bit paly. | |||
| 20 | bog | And hark! what a drumming! | ♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎ |
| The Lord Mayor is coming; | |||
| 21 | every | And here are the Aldermen, | with divers |
| There's very few balder men; | |||
| 22 | trouble | And there march the Livery, | |
| Looking quite shivery; | and sundry | ||
| 23 | now | In and out straggling, | |
| Thro' the mud draggling. | |||
| 24 | seems | I'm sure the poor sinners | ♊ ♒ ☿ ♍ |
| Must long for their dinners. | |||
| 25 | double | Well, now the fun's over | |
| They'll fatten in clover; | |||
| 26 | and the | And afterwards drink on it. | such-like |
| So, what do you think on it? | |||
| 27 | worst | Don't it shew quite effectual | |
| The March Intellectual? | |||
| 28 | in all | ♀ ♈ ☍ | |
| 29 | the | sad | |
| 30 | year. | mischances | |
Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British
Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, held in Dublin,
August, 1835.
Dr. Hoaxum read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, whose prospectuses he laid upon the table.
Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir John North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto volume and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to the decimal proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the rule of allegation, would produce a product of 10,000l.
Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking stones by an algebraic fraction.
Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He defended their caws with great effect, and proved that there is not a grain of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from Grub Street malice.
The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its auto-biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly broken into, being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time alone. Some extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its thoughts on the "silent system" of prison discipline, though written in the dark, strictly agreed with those of our most enlightened political economists.
Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-gin, which greatly interested those of the association who were members of Temperance Societies.
Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, on the construction of frog-stools.
Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly articulated the words "Repale! Repale!" to the great delight of many of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on another, for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already say, "My Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening speech.
Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the mathematical point, which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a coach-wheel. He demonstrated its utility in all the relations of society, as applied to the failings of the absent—the growth of a tale of scandal—the exploits of travellers, &c. &c.
The Author of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of crying children; but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could not be read.
Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora Borealis, from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure gold. He announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar experiments, of which he expected to know the result in October. The gallant Captain then favoured the company with a dissertation on phrenology, of which, he said, he had been a believer for thirty years. He stated that he had made many valuable verifications of that science on the skulls of the Esquimaux; and that, in his recent tour in quest of subscribers to his book, his great success had been mainly attributable to his phrenological skill; for that, whenever he had an opportunity of feeling for soft places in the heads of the public, he knew in a moment whether he should get a customer or not. He said that whether in the examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads—in the choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent utility. He related the following remarkable phrenological cases:—A man and woman were executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence; but another criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day after the execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North having examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for they must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their infant child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on its head the same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for which purpose, by means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull in its vicious propensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a model of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple, whose lives were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On examining their heads scientifically, he discovered the elementary causes of their unhappiness. Their skulls were unfortunately too thick to be treated as in the foregoing case; but, causing both their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down in some places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then living a perfect pattern of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened without phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applauses from the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such eagerness that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)