The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

by William Makepeace Thackeray; Gilbert Abbott À Beckett; Henry Mayhew; Horace Mayhew; Albert Smith

"THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN.

I.

The feast was over on Lord Mayor's Day;

The waiters had clear'd the viands away;

The Common Councilmen all were gone,

And every Alderman,—saving one;

Who to gorge and guzzle no longer able,

Had sunk to repose beneath the table,

And, sooth'd by his own melodious snore,

Lay calmly stretch'd on the Guildhall floor.

But he lay not long in the arms of sleep,

Ere a sound, that caus'd his flesh to creep,

Startled him up from his downy bed,

And caus'd him to raise his aching head;

When oh, what a sight then met his eyes,

And chill'd his soul with sad surprise!

* * * * *

He bawl'd aloud when the scene was o'er,

Which awoke the porter, who open'd the door.

When a bottle of sherry had loosen'd his tongue,

'Twas thus the latest Alderman sung:—

II.

I was rous'd from my sleep by a frightful crash,

As if all the crockery'd gone to smash;

And I straight beheld a terrible form,—

At the end of the hall it took its stand,

With a swingeing besom in its hand,

And shouted out "REFORM!"

III.

Then stalking to me, it thus did say,

"Gone is the glory of Lord Mayor's Day!

Gone—gone, for ever!

To come back never.

The Corporation Reform Bill's past,

And ev'ry ward is Cheap;

The City of London they'll squeeze at last,

And scatter her golden heap.

IV.

"Portsoken no more Port shall soke,

For guzzling they'll aBridge it."

(I thought this quite beyond a joke,

And it put me in a fidget.)

"No 'fair round bellies with capon lin'd

Your Aldermen shall sport;

They may double the Cape, if they feel inclin'd,

But they never must touch at Port.

V.

"The Worshipful Court—so fate ordains—

Shall look like skeletons hanging in chains;

They'll need no gowns, for they'll get so thin,

They may wrap themselves round in their own loose skin;

And then in vain

Shall they complain,

Who cannot bear the shock;

Champagne shall turn to real pain,

And Turtle change to mock.

No calipash or calipee

Their longing eyes again shall see;

No more green fat!

To them shall ven'son still be deer;

Their stout shall turn to thin small beer,

Sour and flat.

VI.

"No lamps shall blaze in this spacious hall,

But farthing rushlights, lank and small,

Some cook-shop's dining-room shall grace,

Where Mister Mayor, with sword and mace,

And all the Corporation sinners,

By city contract clothed and fed,

Shall dine at eighteen pence a-head,

And feel quite grateful for their dinners.

While the armour-man, like a turtle starv'd.

Shall rattle his bones in his iron shell,

And no more shall feast on baron of beef,

But stand content with the cook-shop smell!"

VII.

Thus having said his terrible say,

The horrible spectre stalk'd away,

And left me in the blues;

And as across the Hall he pass'd,

E'en Gog and Magog stood aghast,

And trembled in their shoes.

VIII.

Oh, dreadful night!

Oh, fearful sight!

To see that sight, and hear that say,

An Alderman's soul it may well dismay.

I felt as opprest

With a pain in my chest,

And as brimful of terror and ills,

As if I had eaten some venison old,

Or swallow'd a gallon of turtle cold,

Or been poison'd by Morison's Pills.

IX.

I tried to rise, and I scream'd a scream,

The man at the gate came staggering in—

"To be sure I did, for I heard a din;

And your worship gave such a terrible snore,

While you laid on your back on the Guildhall floor,

That it woke you up from your dream!"

Wine in a Ferment and Spirits in Hot Water.

APRIL.—Greenwich Park.

1836]		APRIL.
		Well, neighbour, what do the papers say
		About "The Wisdom collective?"
		Oh! their Honours are busied by night and day
		With a list of The Lords elective:
		For like old London Bridge, they declare, for years
		They've been sadly obstructed by too many peers.
M	Season's	Odd Matters.	WEATHER.
D	Signs.
1	Sloshy
2	squashy	"EASTER MONDAY."	budding
3	are	Can poet's quill,	♄ ♊ ♌ ☿ ⚹
		Or painter's skill,
4	the	Depict the joy
		Of 'Prentice Boy,	☉ ♊
5	streets,	On that bright fun day,
		Easter Monday?	reputation,
6	sloppy
		Can rhetorician or logician
7	droppy	Describe with aught that's like precision	☉ ♄ ♊
		The rapture that dilates his soul,
8	all	Now his own master, and beyond control?	and
		His fancy soars aloft, like a sky-rocket!
9	one	Where shall he go?	not to put
		He doesn't know,
10	meets;	Although "the world's before him where to choose,"	the same
		And he's got on a bran new pair of shoes,
11	Haber-	And two bright shillings in his trousers' pocket.
12	dashers	Perhaps he'll join the merry throng	♄ ♊ ☿ ♂ ⚹
		Who love the dance and song;
13	mantua-	Or, drawn by Astley's horses, go,	into
		And "struggling for the foremost row,"
14	makers	Enjoy the feats of fam'd Ducrow;	jeopardy
		Or at the Circus, as they us'd to call it,
15	look as	Clamour and bawl it;	by
		And, like a little savage,
16	grave as	Shout "Bravo Davidge!"
		Who, Richard-like, disdains to yield,	⚹ ♊ ☉ ♄
17	under-	And "saddles white Surrey for the field."
		Or else some fellow-'prentice tells	any crude
18	takers,	The joys he'd quaff at Sadler's Wells.
			or hasty
19	for	While these temptations try to start him,
		A sudden fancy comes athwart him,—
20	shopping	"Well, only think!—why, I declare,
		I'd quite forgot there's Greenwich Fair!	☉ ♂ ☌ ☍
21	ladies	And won't I have a precious lark
		Down One-Tree Hill in Greenwich Park!"	guesses or
22	forced
			speculations
23	to
24	house
			☉ ☿ ♂
25	now
			thereupon,
26	stay
			as is the
27	at home
28	to		☉ ♂ ♃ ♄ ♊
29	worry		wont
30	spouse.		of those

Advertisements and Paragraphs Extraordinary.

Extraordinary Circumstance.—Yesterday, a shabbily-dressed, half-genteel, poetical-looking sort of man, suddenly fell down in one of the gin-palaces in St. Giles's; after having, as it was supposed, put an end to his existence, by swallowing a quartern of Deady's Best. On taking him, however, to the Station House, and administering large doses of cold water (to which his stomach manifested a particular antipathy by repeatedly serving it with an ejectment), he was sufficiently recovered to give some account of himself; but the following lines, written on the back of a dirty tobacco paper, found in his pocket, will sufficiently explain the cause of the rash act. It will be seen that he was a man of letters, tho' (judging from his reservedness) of very few words.

To Robert Short, Esq. M.P.

Dear Bob,—I know that U'll XQQQ

The wailings of a mournful MUUU.

While U, my friend, are at your EEE,

My creditors I can't apPPP:

I'm CD,—drooping to DK,

With not a sous my debts to pay.

So lean a wight you ne'er did C,—

I look just like an F-I-G.

My purse is MT, it is true;

But don't suppose I NV you:

I O U nothing but good-will,

And that I mean 2 O U still.

But if my motive U'd descry

For writing this, I'll tell U Y:

B 4 'tis long, I hope for peace;

And when U hear of my DCCC,

I beg, to show your love for me,

U'll write your Poet's L-E-G.

I'm sure that U'll indite it well,

For in such matters you XL.

Say, "E was once a R T fellow,

"But all his 'green leaves soon turn'd yellow,'

"He didn't mind his PPP and QQQ,

"But Plutus left, to woo the MUUU:

"And tho' he courted all the IX,

"He found them far too poor to dine;

"Nay, more, the very Graces III

"Could scarce afford a cup of T.

"So here he lies, for want of pelf,

"Who'd but one NME,—himself."

An Extraordinary Turnip, of the Dwarf species, was lately dug out of a field on the estate of Major Longbow, who caused the inside to be scooped out, and gave a grand entertainment therein to a party of 250 persons.—American Paper.

Falls of Niagara.—Congress has passed a resolution that a premium should be offered for a machine by which the Falls of Niagara might be rendered portable, to afford those persons who live at a distance the opportunity of viewing them at their own houses.—American Paper.

MAY.—"Old May Day"

1836.]		MAY.
		The depth of "A Winter in London," I sing:—
		For thus do the rulers of fashion declare—
		That Spring Garden shall yield all they know of the spring,
		And the charms of fair May be supplied in May Fair.
M	Season's	"Old May Day."	WEATHER.
D	Signs.
1	Ah! well-	BY A NONAGENARIAN.
2	a-day!	When I was young and in my prime,	who
		Then ev'rything look'd gay;
3	alack!	And nothing was so merry as	☌ ♓ ♑ ♌
		The merry First of May:
4	alas!	Kind Nature, who doth ever smile,	in place
		Seem'd then to smile the more;
5	that	And ev'ry Spring that time did bring	of
		Seem'd greener than before.
6	such a	The birds they sang so jocundly,—
		They fill'd the air around,
7	thing	And human hearts as jocundly	☿ ♊ ☽
		Responded to the sound.
8	should	I recollect the lovely scene	consulting
		As though I saw it still:—
9	come	The mansion of a noble race	the stars
		Was seated on a hill;
10	to pass!	And smilingly it seem'd to look
		Upon the plain below,
11	but on	Where groups of happy villagers	♎ ♐ ☍ ♋ ♉
		Were sporting to and fro.
12	my word,	The May-pole in the centre plac'd,	according to
		All deck'd with garlands gay.
13	I feel	While lads and lasses danc'd around,	art,
		And footed it away.
14	suspi-	The ruddy hostess of the inn,
		Which stood within the vale,
15	cious,	Supplied the thirsty revellers	♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉
		With draughts of nut-brown ale;
16	unless	While pleas'd, the neighb'ring gentry stood,
		And view'd the cheerful scene,	thrust forth
17	the stars	Or laid aside their rank to join
		The sports upon the green.
18	prove		♓ ♑
		Ah! those were times that memory
19	more	Is happy to retrace,	their
		But chang'd, alas! and sad are those
20	propi-	Which now supply their place.	own bald
		An honest healthy peasantry
21	tious,	Then shar'd the farmer's board,	and
		Who'd shrink from parish pauper pay,
22	that	As from a thing abhorr'd;	conceited
		The sons of "Merry England" now
23	I shall	Are chang'd to Mammon's slaves,
		And "peep about to find themselves
24	nothing	Dishonourable graves."	☽ ♂ ♀
		The "labourer," no longer "reckon'd
25	have	Worthy of his hire,"
		No more partakes the farmer's board,	suppositions
26	to say	Nor warms him at his fire—
27	about	*      *      *      *      *	♈ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽
28	this	(Rigdum Funnidos interrupteth:)
			For these
29	famous	Stop, stop, old friend! I prithee, cease this prosing.
		Egad! you'll set my gentle readers dozing.	and other
30	month	The Times are bad, I own, and sad's the change;
		But, surely, that is not so wondrous strange;	weighty
31	of May!	And if it were, this is no place to joke in.
		Nonagenarian:
		Enough, good Rigdum!—I'll give over croaking.