BEWARE.
Beware of a man who travels with a pair of duelling pistols.
Beware of a young lady who calls you by your Christian name the first time she meets you.
Beware of port at 30s. a dozen.
Beware of a lodging-house where you are "treated as one of the family."
Beware of every "cheap substitute for silver," excepting gold.
Beware of cigars that are bought of "a bold smuggler" in the street.
Beware of a wife that talks about her "dear husband," and "that beautiful shawl" in her sleep.
Beware of a gentleman who is "up" to all the clever tricks, and "knows a dodge or two," at cards.
Beware of giving an order to a deaf man on the first night of a new piece. He is sure to laugh and applaud in the wrong places, and so cause a disturbance which may be fatal to the success of your farce.
Beware of entering a French shop which has the following inscription:—
"Here they spike the English,"
unless you can speak French very correctly, or are prepared to pay for the consequences.
MATRIMONIAL WEATHER TABLE;
TO BE HUNG UP IN ALL PANTRIES AND SERVANTS' HALLS.
Constructed by a Butler of twenty-nine years' standing behind his Master's
and Missus's chair.
| Causes of Change. | Indications. | Results and Dreadful Consequences. |
|---|---|---|
| Cold meat for dinner | Very Sharp and Cutting; dead calm; horizon very black | A visit, directly after dinner, to the club |
| Money for the housekeeping: weekly expenses produced | Very Stormy; repeated thunderstorms about 10 a.m.; violent explosion at "Sundries" | The puddings are cut off, and the servants' beer |
| A proposal to go up the Rhine, or to Baden Baden | NNNNNNNO, or NNNNNNNO | A trip to Ramsgate or Broadstairs, and master goes down on Saturdays and returns on Mondays |
| Hint of an evening or dinner party | Extremely Close: heavy clouds on master's brow; gloomy depression; mistress and the young ladies Rainy | The old Mr. and Mrs. Glumpy are asked to dinner, and the Misses and young Mr. Glumpy and a few friends are asked to drop in in the evening |
| A box for the Opera | The same, with additional closeness | Tickets for the Horticultural, or seats taken at the Lyceum |
| No one down to breakfast at 10 o'clock to make tea | Regular Storm, blowing up everybody, and which makes the bells ring all over the house | Missus unwell; cannot come down to breakfast; the young ladies "suddenly indisposed," and do not show themselves; master goes out, and slams the door fit to shake the house down |
| Boys home for the holidays | Unsettled; continual hurricane for six weeks | Repeated thrashings |
| New baby, or a new pair of boots | Squally and changeable | Dines out; home very late. (Let him take care to whom it falls to pull off master's boots on a night like this!) |
| Dividend day | Fair | Theatre; oysters for supper (perhaps); a new bonnet |
| Series of contradictions | High wind; very Stormy; air charged with thunder | Nervous headache; mistress Nervous headache; mistress dines in her bedroom; no pudding for dinner, or dessert |
| Taxes | Foul; every symptom of a Storm, but carried off towards the evening by a timely cheque | Finding fault with everything; cook blown up for dinner, and one or two servants discharged |
| Washing day | Very Rainy, pours buckets from morning to night; up to your ankles in water | Master dines at club; not home till late; smokes a cigar in the evening; mistress faints |
| Grand dinner party | Sharp, Frosty, and Unsettled in the morning; very Hot before dinner; exceedingly Fair at dinner; pointing to Wet after, and frequent Storms towards 12 p.m. | Abusing the servants, and counting the spoons, and running through the guests as soon as they are gone. Cold meat next day, carried off with pickles |
| Grand evening party | Strange singing in the ears and dancing before the eyes all night; curious noises over head, and a fearful famine that devours everything about 1 a.m.; blows dreadful cornet-a-pistons till the next morning | Nothing but barley-sugar temples for breakfast, and blanc-manges for dinner for days afterwards |
General Observations.—When it is Fair, the servants or guests in the house can move about with the greatest safety; but if it is at all Cloudy, or the weather looks in the least Unsettled, then he had better look twice at the above table before he takes the smallest step, or else he will have the matrimonial storm breaking over his head. If missus is out, then the atmosphere is generally Fair; but it is invariably Stormy when master goes out and does not come home for dinner. If master and missus are both in, look out for a change or a sudden squall; and the eyes of missus will probably point to Wet.
