THE RESPECTABLE MAN.
A highly respectable Man
Is Iscariot Ingots, Esquire,
He's "Post Obits" on half the "Blue Book,"
And a mortgage or two in each Shire;
And having more cash than he needs,
Why he lends to the poor all he can,
And only takes sixty per cent.,
Like a highly respectable Man.
He's his house like a nobleman's furnish'd,
His sideboard, too, blazing with plate,
And half silver, half gold, you'd declare
It belong'd to some peer of the State;
So it did—till he seiz'd it in payment
Of his sixty per centum per ann.;
And now he gives dinners to show it,
Like a highly respectable Man.
His Father-in-law's an Attorney,
And his Brother a Dealer in Wine,
And his Brother-in-law's a Bum-bailiff,
And his Son in the Auctioneer line;
So first you've "half wine" for your Bills,
Then are sued, seiz'd, sold up by the Clan;
For he loves to assist his relations,
Like a highly respectable Man.
For the Assurance of Lives he's an Office,
To make his small profits the more;
If you ask him to discount, he tells you
"For security you must insure."
Adding "all honest men ought to do so—
Besides it's so easy a plan,
And with something to leave on your death-bed,
You die such a respectable Man."
It is said he's a tyrant at home,
That the jewels his Wife has for show,
Were all of them salves for some wound—
That each diamond's heal'd up a blow;
That his Children, on hearing his knock,
To the top of the house always ran—
But with ten thousand pounds at his Banker's
He's of course a respectable Man.
Yet he's kindness itself to young "bloods,"
And when Lordlings solicit his aid,
Why he talks like a Father, and asks
How is sixty per cent. to be paid?
Such extravagance really would ruin
The richest in all Hindostan;
But to serve them he'll do a "Post Obit"
Like a highly respectable Man.
Still some "scoundrels" declare he's hardhearted
That he curses each beggar he meets—
That for rent he unhous'd his old Father,
And of want let him die in the streets.
Pooh! pooh! he subscribes every quarter
For the Mission'ries sent to Japan,
And if that doesn't make one respectable,
Why, what is a respectable Man?
Of Religion he well knows the value,
For he was the first of beginners
To run up a fashionable Chapel
For elegant "mis'rable sinners;"
And to hire a good-looking Parson
To tell Dowagers "life's but a span,"
For he loves to serve both God and Mammon,
Like a highly respectable Man.
His Daughter has married for love,
Though she'd offers from persons of Rank,
And "my Lady" at least might have been
With the money he had in the Bank;
But since she thought fit to disgrace him,
She may live in the best way she can,
So he leaves his own Daughter to starve,
Like a highly respectable Man.
Then he makes a fresh will ev'ry quarter—
Or when he's a fit of "the blues"—
Or his Wife has offended him somehow—
Or some Son will not follow his views;
And he threatens to leave them all beggars,
Whene'er they come under his ban—
He'll bequeath all his wealth to an Hospital,
Like a highly respectable Man.
EVERY-DAY RECIPES.
BY A VERY FAST MAN.
How to get a Ride for Nothing.—When you have reached your destination you must scream out in a loud voice of alarm, "Hallo! stop—I've got into the wrong omnibus," and rush out as quickly as you can, blowing up the conductor for having brought you so much out of your way.
"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE TOP."
How to Live upon Nothing a-Year.—Get elected a Member of Parliament, and you may contract as many debts as you please without paying one of them.
How to get a Dozen of Wine for Nothing.—Go to twelve different wine-merchants, and get each of them to send you in a sample bottle. You have only to say afterwards the wine isn't exactly to your taste—you wanted a much fuller wine—and you may get another dozen by the same means free of expense.
How to get a Glass of Warm Brandy and Water for Nothing.—Fall in the ice, and you will be carried to the Royal Humane Society's establishment, and a glass of brandy and water will be given to you directly. If you are very bad a second will be administered, and you will be put to bed, and have a good "tuck in" into the bargain.
How to get a Library for Nothing.—Borrow books, and, of course, keep them.
How to get a Luncheon for Nothing.—Look in at the auctions, and patronize one where there is a sale of wine. Take a biscuit with you, and you may have as many glasses of port or sherry as you please. Just make a small bid now and then, for recollect Homer sometimes nodded.
How to have your Portrait taken for Nothing.—Just fight a duel, or run away with somebody's wife, and your portrait is sure to be given in one of the illustrated papers.
How to Dress for Nothing.—Go to an advertising tailor, and get him to take out your clothes in poetry. The same with your hatter, bootmaker, and hosier. Your poetry must be very poor stuff if you cannot get a suit of clothes out of it, and its feet must be lame indeed if they do not afford you a pair of Wellingtons.
CURIOUS SUMS FOR THE CALCULATING MACHINE.
BY JOLLY COCKER.
Calculate the number of English ladies who understand French thoroughly; can read it, but cannot speak it.
Deduct the amount that has been lost at railways from that which has been made by them, and state what article of value the difference (if any) will purchase.
The ages of seven elderly ladies amount in their passports to 148; find out their real ages.
Ten friends of Green sit down to play at unlimited loo, and 93l. are lost before the morning. Everybody declares he has lost. You are to find out, if you can, which of the party has won?
The population of the earth is 800,000,000. Required to find one person who will mind his own business.
Thompson (of the Albany) pays 12l. annually for income-tax. His cigars cost him as much; his opera-stall four times as much; his horse six times as much; and his gloves, bouquets, bets, and tiger ten times as much. What is Thompson's real income?
A carpet-bag of an ordinary capacity will hold two coats, three pairs of trousers, one dressing-case, one pair of boots, six shirts, two night ditto, three pairs of stockings, six collars, and one dressing-gown. These articles can be put into it with perfect ease when you are going to make a week's stay in the country. How much will the same carpet-bag contain if you are going to Boulogne for an indefinite period?
Solomons buys a diamond ring for 1l. He sells it, and loses "thirty shillings, by Gosh, by it." He buys it again, and sells it at another loss of 2l. How much does Solomons make by the ring?
Your tailor applies for money; "He has a little bill to take up." There are 30,000 tailors in London. What is the sum total of all the little bills they have to take up in the course of the year?
A "Triumphant Success" averages generally from 5l. to 5l. 17s. 6d.; "Crowded Houses" hold 6l.; "Overflowing Audiences" will bring in as much as 8l. 12s. How much is a "Blaze of Triumph" worth?
The two Doves are always quarrelling. Mrs. Dove is very ill-tempered, and Mr. Dove very obstinate. He will smoke cigars at home—will stir the fire with the bright poker—will bring friends home late to supper—will whistle; all of which practices Mrs. Dove abominates. She remonstrates; Mr. Dove retaliates. A tiff ensues; and Mrs. Dove goes home to her mother. Ascertain the mean difference between them; and state the amount which Dove has to pay every year in diamonds, boxes to the opera, new velvet gowns, and trips out of town.
Why are the Protectionists like walnuts?
Because they are very troublesome to Peel.
ANECDOTES OF SCIENCE.
PERFECTLY ORIGINAL.
Stays were first invented by a brutal butcher of the thirteenth century as a punishment for his wife. She was very loquacious; and finding nothing would cure her, he put a pair of stays on her in order to take away her breath, and so prevent, as he thought, her talking. This cruel punishment was inflicted by other husbands, till at last there was scarcely a wife in all London who was not condemned to wear stays. The punishment became so universal at last that the ladies in their own defence made a fashion of it, and so it has continued to the present day.
Berlin Gloves.—The custom of servants wearing Berlin gloves at dinner was introduced by Sir Jonas Bullock in 1811. He had a favourite black servant who used always to wait at dinner. The Lady Mayoress was dining with him one Sunday, and she had occasion to call for some blanc-mange. His black servant brought it to her, when his large black thumb by the side of the blanc-mange had such a shock upon her ladyship's feelings that she fainted away and was carried home to the Mansion House in a state of great danger. She never rallied. Sir Jonas was so hurt by this melancholy event that he insisted upon his servants for the future always wearing Berlin gloves when they waited at table; and from this the fashion was introduced at Devonshire House, and then at Court.
Muffins.—We know very little of muffins previous to Johnson's time. They are supposed to have been invented by a Scotch physician, who was attached to the suite of a German Count who came over with George I. He gave the recipe for nothing to a baker, on condition of his providing him with the address of all his customers. The bargain was faithfully carried out. The physician died extremely rich, and the baker also. Crumpets and Life Pills were likewise their invention.
Bonnets were made, only fifty years ago, by a French milliner who was exceedingly ugly. The gamins used to follow her, and laugh at her, calling her nose, which was very large, the most ridiculous names. This annoyed the poor milliner, and she invented the bonnet to escape their ribaldry. The disguise was so effectual that every Frenchwoman who was no prettier than herself was glad to adopt it. Those who were not ugly formed such a small minority that whenever they appeared they were sure to monopolize all the notice and gallantry of the gentlemen. This exposed them to the sarcasms and envy of their own sex, till they were compelled at last to assume the same hideous style of head-dress. The marvel is that the fashion should ever have become popular in England.
Currant-Jelly was first eaten with hare in 1715. There were no potatoes at table, when the Duchesse de Pentonville (then an emigrant), asked what there was. "Nothing but confitures," was the reply of the maître d'hotel. "Bring me the confitures, then," said the lively Duchesse; and she selected the currant-jelly, much to the amusement of all the nobles present. The king, however, hearing of this, ordered hare for dinner, purposely to try it with the currant-jelly, and he liked it so well that he continued it for six days together; and so the currant-jelly spread all over London till it became an established fashion in the best English society.
Electricity.—Franklin brought down the lightning with a kite; but this stroke, wonderful as it is, is nothing compared to the daring flight of a Mr. Prettiman in the month of September last. After various trials, a few generous friends having supplied him with rope enough, he succeeded, by some great attraction, in bringing down 154l. 17s. 2½d., simply by flying a little kite in the city; and this, too, was achieved at a time when there was the greatest difficulty in raising the wind, and there was scarcely a penny stirring anywhere. He has since tried the experiment, but it has failed every time, owing, it is reported, to his paper being a little too flimsy.
Triumph of Magnetism.—Dr. Ell—ts—n declared, that by magnetizing a person he could make him see most clearly the interior of himself. The Marquis of L—nd—nd—y called, and insisted upon a trial upon himself; no other proof, he declared, would satisfy him that mesmerism wasn't a hollow humbug. Accordingly he was put into the most beautiful state of coma. "Now look into your head," said the Doctor, "and tell me what do you see?" "See?" answered the magnetized patient; "why, stuff and nonsense! I see nothing at all." "Look again." "It's quite useless: I tell you there's nothing in it." The Marquis was quite furious when told the result of the experiment; but he consoles himself with the reflection that there is a great deal more in mesmerism than meets the eye. The talented Doctor has since favoured us with the following aphorism:—
"In ridiculing a science, a man cannot look too deeply into his own head before he declares that there is nothing in it."