"FEMALE EMIGRATION."
Mr. Sidney Herbert has forced upon us a great fact—an uncomfortably great fact—it is thrust into our brain like a fat thirteenth into an omnibus—we are alarmingly overstocked with lovely women; there is a perfect glut of angel purity. Our drawing-rooms, we are told, are choked up with book-muslins; and who would not weep to behold the despairing virgins forced to "polk," "waltz," and "quadrille" together. Glance down the longest of our very long drapers' shops—is it not dreadful to contemplate the two endless rows of bonnets? Even the few hats that you do see in such places belong to swains that have been dragged there with smiles and coaxings—lambs led by garlands to the sacrificial counter.
And what is the consequence? Our youths are pursued by clever mammas, and hemmed in by desperate daughters. Embroidered braces, worked cigar-cases, and beaded pen-wipers are showered down upon them. Still all the ladies cannot be married! Bountiful nature has provided two and a half wives for each Briton; but selfish Parliament denies them more than one; and no Englishman—however sanguine—can expect to be a widower more than twice.
But great times produce great men, and at this sad crisis Mr. Sidney Herbert steps forward to call the attention of the British public to Australia—to Australia, the land of the wifeless!
[An interval of four months is supposed to elapse.
Already have a few shipments been made on speculation, and they have answered beyond all hopes. We give the advices received of the last cargo.
"Per the 'Orange Wreath,' 400 tons. Lovit, Commander.
"Seventy cwt. of serviceable spinsters averaging twelve stone, warranted affectionate and good mothers.
"One ton and a half neat widows, fond of children, and small eaters."
[An interval of twelve months is supposed to elapse.
The news received (we are happy to say) is very cheering. "Ringlets to the waist are in great demand. Black eyes (very superior jet) are freely disposed of; and red hair, well oiled, at prices slightly in advance of the raw material."
An emigration mania has seized upon the ladies. Every spinster in and out of her teens is sighing for the land where husbands are to be as numerous as dead flies in a grocer' window. Paris bonnets are being soldered down in tin cases, and low-necked dresses are "run up" in a night—like mushrooms. Wedding-rings are bought up for fear of accidents, and the marriage service is rehearsed every evening before going to bed.
[An interval of six months is supposed to elapse.
If the desire for emigration among females is not stopped, England will soon be like a bee-hive, with only one female in it, and that—the Queen. Only wait a year—a little year—and then do not be startled to find "The Bridesmaid" leaving early in January so full of virgins as to be obliged to "let out her stays" before she can "take her wind" properly. Every month hundreds of our daughters (of course we speak figuratively) are hurrying to the Australian shores to get settlers for life. Before age shall have made our whiskers bushy, London will be womanless. Let us grow prophetic and show what will happen.
[An interval of two years is supposed to elapse.
Half the linendrapers' shops are closed; Waterloo House is "to let;" Sewell and Cross' has become a cigar divan. Oh this female emigration mania! We'll give the committee another ten years, and then let our un-darned socks be upon their heads. When at last we have become a nation of shopkeeping monks, Government will have to take the matter in hand. Ladies will have to be imported to supply the place of the exported; our fleets will be obliged to scour the seas, touching at every island, till their cargo of lovely virgins and charming widows be made up, and then—back again to shirt-buttonless England.
No doubt a duty will he levied upon the blooming freight. The love-sick bachelor, armed with a "tasting order," will hurry to the docks to try the sweetness of the charming Negresses before taking them out of bond. We can imagine the diary that will be kept some years hence.
[An interval of thirty years is supposed to elapse.
"This morning up early and went, as usual, to hoot under old Sidney Herbert's window. I smashed the only sound pane of glass in the dining-room. He hasn't had a knocker these three months. Was delighted to hear that the Albany had, for the seventy-fifth time, challenged him to a man; he has again refused!
"Heavens! what a state we are in. Before I could go out, I had to gum up the holes in my socks, as usual, and sent for the saddler to sew a fresh buckle and strap on my false collar.
"Had a long talk with a poor policeman, who was positively starving. He told me of the good old days of the cooks, when a gallant officer was always sure of his six good suppers. Poor fellow! he is not worse off than the army. Many of our bold troops have not smoked for months; they miss the maid-servants' wages sadly.
"I groaned as I walked down Regent Street. All the shops closed. The crowd round the wax female bust at Rossi's was fearful. Heavens! what a lovely head and shoulders it has!
"Dined at Ned Franklin's yesterday, and had a small piece of pickled gooseberry pie that his sister had sent him from Australia. He tells me the subscription among the Mahomedan countries goes on well. The Grand Turk was moved to tears at our situation, and subscribed twenty of his wives on the spot. Bless him! Bless him!
"Fluffy has been obliged to lock his wife up in the cellar. His door was broken open yesterday ten times by the adoring multitude. All over his walls has been chalked, 'No monopoly!'
"We are on the point of despair! Is it not kind of the Queen to allow her lady's-maid to be on view every Saturday? The angel is sadly small-pocked, but still valued at 4000 guineas.
"Last week the daughter of the late Miss Biffin was wheeled to the altar, and gave her foot in marriage to the Honourable James Jessamy. Here's a state of things!"
[An interval of ten years is supposed to elapse.
"Glorious news, glorious news! The prayers that have been read in church for the last six months are answered. The 'Lover's Hope,' A 1, has been spoken with off Deal. She has a splendid cargo of fine healthy angels. Three marriage offers were made off Ramsgate through speaking-trumpets.
"Gravesend.—Met all my old companions, like myself, with wedding-rings and wedding-cakes under their arms. As many of the pets have dark complexions—most of them, indeed, are quite black—some of the fellows brought glass beads, nails, and old knives with them.
"Hurrah! we have struck our bargains and paid the duty. This morning two hundred of us were married, ten at a time. The clergyman fainted. My dear angelic wife is of a beautiful japan black. I clothed her before introducing her to my friends. The dear affectionate creature presented me, after the ceremony, with a joint of her little finger, neatly done up in a piece of her red shawl. It is a custom of their country. I had to buy her, for her wedding trousseau, six bright tin saucepans and a set of polished fire-irons that she took a fancy to on her way to church."
[A short interval is supposed to elapse.
"Three quarters of a year of unexampled bliss have fled quickly by: I am the father of two raisin-coloured little heirs. I wish I could persuade my wife not to wear the kitchen poker suspended from her neck."
[An interval of ten years is finally supposed to elapse.
"Despair! Despair! Why did not the 'Matchmaker' arrive a few years sooner? She is laden with the loveliest cream-coloured Circassians.
"Death or Bigamy!"
FELLOWS, OF THE ZOOLOGICAL SOCIETY.
AN INVITATION TO THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
(BY A GENTLEMAN WITH A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT IN HIS SPEECH.)
I have found out a gig-gig-gift for my fuf-fuf——fair,
I have found where the rattle-snakes bub-bub——breed.
Won't you c-c-c-come, and I'll show you the hub-bub——bear,
And the lions and tit-tit——tigers at fuf-fuf-fuf——feed.
I know where the c-c-c-co——cockatoo's song
Makes mum-mum-mum——melody through the sweet vale;
Where the m——monkeys gig-gig——grin all the day long,
Or gracefully swing by the tit-tit-tit-tit—tail.
You shall pip-pip——play, dear, some did-did——delicate joke,
With the bub-bub——bear on the tit-tit——top of his pip-pip-pip——pole;
But observe, 'tis for-for-for——bidden to pip-pip——poke
At the bub-bub——bear with your pip-pip——pink pip-pip-pip-pip——parasol.
You shall see the huge elephant pip-pip-pip——play;
You shall gig-gig-gaze on the stit-tit——ately racoon,
And then did-did——dear together we'll stray,
To the cage of the bub-bub——blue fuf-fuf-fac'd bab-bab-bab——boon.
You wish'd (I r-r-r——remember it well,
And I l-l-l-lov'd you the m-m-more for the wish)
To witness the bub-bub-bub——beautiful pip-pip——pel-
-ican swallow the l-l-live l-l-l-little fuf-fuf——fish.
Then c-c-come, did-did-dearest, n-n-n-never say "nun-nun-nun-nun——nay;"
I'll tit-tit-treat you, my love, to a "bub-bub-bub——buss,"
Tis but thrup-pip-pip-pip——pence a pip-pip——piece all the way,
To see the hip-pip-pip—(I beg your pardon)—
To see the hip-pip-pip-pip—(ahem!)
The hip-pip-pip-pip——pop-pop-pop-pop—(I mean)
The hip-po-po-po——(dear me, love, you know)
The hippo-pot-pot-pot——('pon my word I'm quite ashamed of myself).
The hip-pip-pop——the hip-po-pot.
To see the Hippop——potamus.