THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The Ancients certainly made a great mistake in not choosing Niobe for the Goddess of Marriage. Hymen is by far too jolly; he is all smiles—more of the hyena than the crocodile; whilst Niobe is just as she ought to be—all tears.
There never yet was a marriage that was not a perfect St. Swithin affair. No one—unless he has a soul of gutta-percha, thoroughly waterproof—should think of going to a wedding with less than two pocket-handkerchiefs; and, even then, a sponge is better adapted to the "joyful occasion." Men take wives as they do pills, with plenty of water—excepting, indeed, when the "little things" are well gilt.
If a kind of matrimonial barometer were kept in each family, and its daily indications as to the state of the weather at the fireside accurately registered, we have no doubt that on the average being taken the following results would be arrived at—
| Before Marriage | Fair. |
| During Marriage | Wet. |
| After Marriage | Stormy. |
Meteorologically speaking, it would be highly interesting could we arrive at a knowledge of the exact amount of "doo" prevailing during courtship.
Nobody can feel more truly wretched than on the happiest day of his life. A wedding is even more melancholy than a funeral. The bride weeps for everything and nothing. At first she's heart-broken because she's about to leave her Ma and Pa; then, because she hopes and trusts Chawles will always love her; and, when no other excuse is left, she bursts into tears because she's afraid he will not bring the ring with him. Mamma, too, is determined to cry for the least thing. Her dear girl is going away, and she is certain something dreadful is about to happen; and goodness gracious! she's forgotten to lock the dining-room door, with all the wine and plate on the table, and three strange greengrocers in the house. At church the water is laid on at eye-service; indeed, the whole party look so wretched, no one would imagine there was a "happy pair" among them. When Papa gives away his darling child, he does it with as many sobs as if he were handing her over to the fiercest Polygamist since Henry the Eighth—instead of bestowing her upon one who loves his "lamb," regardless of the "mint" sauce that accompanies her. The bridegroom snivels, either because crying's catching, or because he thinks he ought, for decency's sake, to appear deeply moved; and the half-dozen bridesmaids are sure to be all weeping, because everybody else weeps.
The Happiest moment of my life——
When the party return home, however, the thoughts of the breakfast cheer them up a little; and the bridesmaids, in particular, feel quite resigned to their fate. As if they had grown hungry by crying—or the tears had whetted their appetites—they drown their cares for a while in the white soup-tureen. The champagne goes off, and goes round. Eyes begin to twinkle, the young ladies get flushed, and titter and giggle with the bridegroom, until at last the "funny man" of the party begins talking of the splendid gravy spoon he means to give when he's a godfather; but is immediately frowned down by the old aunt opposite, who has come dressed out as gaily and as full of colours as an oilman's shop-front.
Then the father gets up, and after a short and pathetic eulogium upon the virtues of that "sweet girl," whom he "loves as his own flesh and blood," thumps the table, and tells the company that "any one who would not treat her properly would be a scoundrel!" Upon this everyone present turns round to look and frown at the wretched villain of a bridegroom, and then they all fall to weeping again. But so strongly has the feeling set in against the new son-in-law, that it is only by a speech full of the deepest pathos, that he can persuade the company that he has not the least thought of murdering, or indeed even assaulting his wife.
At last the mother, bride, and bridesmaids retire to say "Good-bye," and have a good cry altogether upstairs. Then the blessing and the weeping begin again with renewed vigour. As at Vauxhall, they seem to keep the grandest shower for the last. The bridesmaids cry till their noses are quite red, and their hair is as straight as if they had been bathing. And when the time comes for the happy pair to leave, in order to catch the train for Dover, then the mother, father, sisters, brothers, bride, bridegroom, bridesmaids, and every soul in the house, all cry—even down to the old cook "who knowed her ever since she were a babby in long clothes"—as if the young couple were about to be "transported for life" in the literal rather than the figurative sense of the term.
RECOMMENDED TO MERCY.
FIRST AND SECOND WRANGLERS.
COLLEGE FOR LADIES.
Examination Papers.
Examiners.
Doctoress Senna.
Professoress Fanny Sandells. | Professoress Eyeballs, M.A.
English Language and Literature.
1. According to the Anglo-Norman pronunciation, is it correct to say "the people of Frarnce love to darnse on the grarse, 'neath the bloo sky?" or is it more elegant to speak it thus: "The people of Frannce love to dannce on the gras, 'neath the bleeugh skeeigh?"
2. In High English is there such a word as Cabbage?
3. Is the "wide-awake hat" a weak or strong Mœso-Gothic phrase? and give your opinion as to whether "wide-awakes" were worn by the early Teutonic tribes.
French.
[To be translated into French by the Senior and Junior Classes.]
1. I saw a perfect love of a "white chip", at Howell and James's, and some of the sweetest muffs I ever beheld in all my life.
2. Our Fanny is a great big silly, and your Charles is a perfect duck.
[Observation sur le Comte D'Orsay, par Mademoiselle Séraphine.]
La cravate! c'est là, la force et la puissance de cette homme. Elle était d'une bleu magnifique. Son gilet brodé en cheveux certains, noirs, et gris, était d'un velour superbe et d'un rouge infernel. Ces yeux-Seigneur! ces étoiles qu'il avait pour yeux! Tout ce qu'il regarde, il perce, comme l'éclair. Ils sont cruels et adorables! Mais surtout—surtout! qu'elles délires, qu'elles extase à voir les favoris de cet homme ravissant. C'est là, est toute sa puissance. Il sont véritablement le lit rosier de mille Cupidons——
O-o-oh! sacre nom de tonnerre! le comte est un ange terrestriel et séduisant.
Philosophy of Logic.
1. Test the following examples by logical rules—
I should like to know your age?
Would you!
Then you wont.
2. What form of syllogism does the following come under?—
Dinner is late again!
Why is it so?
Because it is.
Mathematics.
1. Is the highest power of T equal to x x x?
2. What is the square of Lincoln's Inn, and is it equal to the square of Belgrave?
3. State the areas that the K division of the whole force will occupy.
4. Given a ¼ of lamb, required to know how many times C21 + E9 will go into the same.
Architecture.
1. Draw the ornaments of a Corinthian cap, and explain to what kind of front and facings same is becoming.
Zoology.
1. Are boys monkeys, and men great pigs?
Botany.
1. Does Maiden's Hair (Briza Media) bear many flowers? State whether it grows to great length; and if, when cut, some asses are not very fond of it.
2. Is Sweet William (Dianthus Barbatus) very hairy about head, and remarkable for bristles? Is he likewise five-toothed, and how many pistils does he usually carry?
Law.
1. Mention some of the impediments to marriage, and state what ceremonies will make a marriage complete in Scotland without celebration in facie ecclesiæ.
2. In the case of separation by mutual consent, to what extent is the husband liable for the maintenance of his wife?
Geology.
1. What kind of crust is the crust of the earth? Is it a flaky one? and do you think Nature has a nice light hand for a crust?
Knitology.
1. Explain fully the meanings knit 4, make 1, slip 4, knit 1, pass the slip stitch over, slip 1, purl 13, make 3, and reduce them into form.
Anatomy.
1. Give an account of the general arrangement, size, structure, and mode of development of the lower bustle, and explain how, in case of accident, you would remove and take up same.
Gastronomy.
1. How do you prepare hands of pork? Must you first clean your hands.
2. In dressing calves' feet, should you first wash your feet?
Natural Philosophy and Optics.
1. When an object is placed before a mirror, explain the principles why the appearance of the figure is increased.
2. Are all bodies compressible? and, if so, state what force is required to approximate the two sides of the body, so as to describe a perfect figure.
Mechanics and Hydraulics.
1. If there be one inclined plain and a positive "object", state at what rate all bodies will fly from them.
2. Explain the action of "pumps", and state how many would be required to cause an overflow at Almack's. State also how many feet ordinary pumps will work.
THE
COMIC ALMANACK
For 1851.
