ACT II.
Scene I. London. A street.
Enter Hostess, Fang and his Boy with her, and Snare following.[3466]
Host. Master Fang, have you entered the action?[3467]
Fang. It is entered.[3468]
Host. Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman?[3469]
will a' stand to't?[3470]
Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare?5
Host. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.[3471]
Snare. Here, here.
Fang. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
Host. Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered him[3472]
and all.10
Snare. It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he[3473]
will stab.
Host. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me
in mine own house, and that most beastly: in good faith,[3474]
he cares not what mischief he does, if his weapon be out:[3475]15
he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man,
woman, nor child.
Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
Host. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within[3476]20
my vice,—[3477]
Host. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's[3478]
an infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold
him sure: good Master Snare, let him not 'scape. A' comes[3479]
continuantly to Pie-corner—saving your manhoods—to buy[3480]25
a saddle; and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber's-head
in Lumbert street, to Master Smooth's the silkman: I pray[3481]
ye, since my exion is entered and my case so openly[3482]
known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer.
A hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to[3483]30
bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have
been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this[3484]
day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There
is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be
made an ass and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.35
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave,[3485]
Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices: Master
Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.[3486]
Enter Falstaff, Page, and Bardolph.[3487]
Fal. How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress[3488][3489]40
Quickly.[3489]
Fal. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut me off the
villain's head: throw the quean in the channel.[3490]
Host. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the[3490][3491]
channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue![3491][3492]45
Murder, murder! Ah, thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou[3493]
kill God's officers and the king's? Ah, thou honey-seed[3493]
rogue! thou art a honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph.50
Fang. A rescue! a rescue!
Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't,[3494][3495]
wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do,[3495][3496]
thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian![3497][3498]55
I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men.[3499]
Ch. Just. What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho![3500]
Host. Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you,
stand to me.
Ch. Just. How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here?[3501][3502]60
Doth this become your place, your time and business?[3502]
You should have been well on your way to York.[3502]
Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon him?[3502][3503]
Host. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your
grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested65
at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum?
Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all,[3504]
all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he[3504]
hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his: but I70
will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee o'nights
like the mare.
Fal. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have
any vantage of ground to get up.
Ch. Just. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man[3505]75
of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation?
Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough
a course to come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the80
money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt[3506]
goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by
a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when[3507]
the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man[3508]
of Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was85
washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady thy
wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the
butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had
a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat90
some; whereby I told thee they were ill for a green wound?
And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire[3509]
me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people;[3510]
saying that ere long they should call me madam? And didst
thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I[3511]95
put thee now to thy book-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says[3512]
up and down the town that her eldest son is like you: she
hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted
her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you I100
may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted
with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false
way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words
that come with such more than impudent sauciness from105
you, can thrust me from a level consideration: you have,[3513]
as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit[3513]
of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse[3513]
and in person.[3513]
Host. Yea, in truth, my lord.[3514]110
Ch. Just. Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe[3515]
her, and unpay the villany you have done her: the one[3516]
you may do with sterling money, and the other with current
repentance.
Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without115
reply. You call honourable boldness impudent sauciness:
if a man will make courtesy and say nothing, he is virtuous:[3517]
no, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will[3518]
not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire deliverance[3519]
from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the[3520]120
king's affairs.
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong:
but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the[3521]
poor woman.
Fal. Come hither, hostess.125
Enter Gower.[3522]
Ch. Just. Now, Master Gower, what news?[3523]
Gow. The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales[3524]
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.[3525]
Fal. As I am a gentleman.
Host. Faith, you said so before.[3526]130
Fal. As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words
of it.
Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be
fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my
dining-chambers.135
Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy
walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal,
or the German hunting in water-work, is worth a thousand[3527]
of these bed-hangings and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let[3528]
it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an 'twere not for[3529]140
thy humours, there's not a better wench in England. Go,[3530]
wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not[3531]
be in this humour with me; dost not know me? come,[3532]
come, I know thou wast set on to this.
Host. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles:[3533]145
i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la![3534]
Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a[3535]
fool still.
Host. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my[3536]
gown. I hope you'll come to supper. You'll pay me150
all together?[3537]
Fal. Will I live? [To Bardolph] Go, with her, with[3538]
her; hook on, hook on.
Host. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at
supper?155
Fal. No more words; let's have her.
[Exeunt Hostess, Bardolph, Officers, and Boy.[3539]
Ch. Just. I have heard better news.[3540]
Fal. What's the news, my lord?[3541]
Ch. Just. Where lay the king last night?[3542]
Gow. At Basingstoke, my lord.[3543][3544]160
Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the news, my
lord?
Ch. Just. Come all his forces back?
Gow. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,[3543][3545]
Are march'd up to my lord of Lancaster,[3545]165
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.[3545]
Fal. Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord?
Ch. Just. You shall have letters of me presently:
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
Fal. My lord![3546]170
Ch. Just. What's the matter?
Fal. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to[3547]
dinner?
Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here; I thank
you, good Sir John.175
Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you[3548]
are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.[3548][3549]
Fal. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you these
manners, Sir John?180
Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a
fool that taught them me. This is the right fencing grace,
my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.
Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great
fool. [Exeunt.[3550]185
Scene II. London. Another street.
Enter Prince Henry and Poins.[3551]
Prince. Before God, I am exceeding weary.[3552]
Poins. Is't come to that? I had thought weariness[3553]
durst not have attached one of so high blood.
Prince. Faith, it does me; though it discolours the[3554]
complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it5
not show vilely in me to desire small beer?
Poins. Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied
as to remember so weak a composition.
Prince. Belike then my appetite was not princely got;
for, by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature,[3555]10
small beer. But, indeed, these humble considerations make
me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it
to me to remember thy name! or to know thy face
tomorrow! or to take note how many pair of silk stockings[3556]
thou hast, viz. these, and those that were thy peach-coloured[3557]15
ones! or to bear the inventory of thy shirts, as, one for[3558]
superfluity, and another for use! But that the[3559]
tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb of linen with
thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast not[3560]
done a great while, because the rest of thy low countries[3561]20
have made a shift to eat up thy holland: and God knows[3562][3563]
whether those that bawl out the ruins of thy linen shall[3563][3564]
inherit his kingdom: but the midwives say the children[3563]
are not in the fault; whereupon the world increases, and[3563]
kindreds are mightily strengthened.[3563]25
Poins. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so
hard, you should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good
young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as[3565]
yours at this time is?[3566]
Prince. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?30
Poins. Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing.[3567]
Prince. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding
than thine.
Poins. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that
you will tell.[3568]35
Prince. Marry, I tell thee, it is not meet that I should[3569]
be sad, now my father is sick: albeit I could tell to thee, as
to one it pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend,
I could be sad, and sad indeed too.
Poins. Very hardly upon such a subject.40
Prince. By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the[3570]
devil's book as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency:
let the end try the man. But I tell thee, my heart
bleeds inwardly that my father is so sick: and keeping such[3571]
vile company as thou art hath in reason taken from me all45
ostentation of sorrow.
Poins. The reason?[3572]
Prince. What wouldst thou think of me, if I should
weep?
Poins. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.50
Prince. It would be every man's thought; and thou art
a blessed fellow to think as every man thinks: never a man's
thought in the world keeps the road-way better than thine:
every man would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what
accites your most worshipful thought to think so?[3573]55
Poins. Why, because you have been so lewd, and so[3574]
much engraffed to Falstaff.
Prince. And to thee.
Poins. By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it[3575]
with mine own ears: the worst that they can say of me is[3576]60
that I am a second brother, and that I am a proper fellow
of my hands; and those two things, I confess, I cannot
help. By the mass, here comes Bardolph.[3577]
Enter Bardolph and Page.[3578]
Prince. And the boy that I gave Falstaff: a' had him[3579]
from me Christian; and look, if the fat villain have not[3580]65
transformed him ape.
Bard. God save your grace![3581]
Prince. And yours, most noble Bardolph!
Bard. Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must[3582]
you be blushing? wherefore blush you now? What a70
maidenly man-at-arms are you become! Is't such a[3583]
matter to get a pottle-pot's maidenhead?
Page. A' calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red[3584]
lattice, and I could discern no part of his face from the
window: at last I spied his eyes; and methought he had75
made two holes in the ale-wife's new petticoat and so[3585]
peeped through.
Prince. Has not the boy profited?[3586][3587]
Bard. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away![3586][3588]
Page. Away, you rascally Althæa's dream, away!80
Prince. Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy?
Page. Marry, my lord, Althæa dreamed she was[3589]
delivered of a fire-brand; and therefore I call him her dream.
Prince. A crown's worth of good interpretation: there
'tis, boy.[3590]85
Poins. O, that this good blossom could be kept from[3591]
cankers! Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee.
Bard. An you do not make him hanged among you,[3592]
the gallows shall have wrong.[3593]
Prince. And how doth thy master, Bardolph?90
Bard. Well, my lord. He heard of your grace's coming[3594]
to town: there's a letter for you.
Poins. Delivered with good respect. And how doth[3595]
the martlemas, your master?
Bard. In bodily health, sir.95
Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but
that moves not him: though that be sick, it dies not.
Prince. I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me
as my dog; and he holds his place; for look you how he[3596]
writes.100
Poins. [Reads] 'John Falstaff, knight,'—every man must[3597]
know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself: even[3598]
like those that are kin to the king; for they never prick
their finger but they say, 'There's some of the king's blood[3599]
spilt.' 'How comes that?' says he, that takes upon him105
not to conceive. The answer is as ready as a borrower's[3600]
cap, 'I am the king's poor cousin, sir.'[3600]
Prince. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch[3601]
it from Japhet. But to the letter:[3602]
Poins. [Reads] 'Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the[3603]110
king, nearest his father, Harry Prince of Wales, greeting.' Why,[3604]
this is a certificate.
Prince. Peace!
Poins. [Reads] 'I will imitate the honourable Romans in[3605]
brevity:' he sure means brevity in breath, short-winded. 'I[3606]115
commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not[3607]
too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much, that he
swears thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou
mayest; and so, farewell.
'Thine, by yea and no, which is as much as to say, as120
thou usest him, Jack Falstaff with my[3608]
familiars, John with my brothers and sisters, and Sir[3609]
John with all Europe.'
My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack, and make him eat it.[3610]
Prince. That's to make him eat twenty of his words.[3611]125
But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister?
Poins. God send the wench no worse fortune! But I[3612]
never said so.
Prince. Well, thus we play the fools with the time;[3613]
and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us.130
Is your master here in London?
Bard. Yea, my lord.[3614]
Prince. Where sups he? doth the old boar feed in the[3615]
old frank?
Bard. At the old place, my lord, in Eastcheap.135
Prince. What company?
Page. Ephesians, my lord, of the old church.
Prince. Sup any women with him?
Page. None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and
Mistress Doll Tearsheet.140
Prince. What pagan may that be?
Page. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of
my master's.
Prince. Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the[3616]
town bull. Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper?145
Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you.
Prince. Sirrah, you boy, and Bardolph, no word to
your master that I am yet come to town: there's for your[3617]
silence.
Bard. I have no tongue, sir.150
Page. And for mine, sir, I will govern it.
Prince. Fare you well; go. [Exeunt Bardolph and Page.][3618]
This Doll Tearsheet should be some road.[3619]
Poins. I warrant you, as common as the way between
Saint Alban's and London.155
Prince. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night
in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen?[3620]
Poins. Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and[3621]
wait upon him at his table as drawers.[3622]
Prince. From a God to a bull? a heavy descension! it[3623][3624]160
was Jove's case. From a prince to a prentice? a low[3624][3625]
transformation! that shall be mine; for in every thing the[3624]
purpose must weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned.
[Exeunt.
Scene III. Warkworth. Before the castle.
Enter Northumberland, Lady Northumberland, and Lady Percy.[3626]
North. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter,[3627]
Give even way unto my rough affairs:[3628]
Put not you on the visage of the times,
And be like them to Percy troublesome.
Lady N. I have given over, I will speak no more:[3629]5
Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide.
North. Alas, sweet wife, my honour is at pawn;
And, but my going, nothing can redeem it.
Lady P. O yet, for God's sake, go not to these wars![3630]
The time was, father, that you broke your word,[3631]10
When you were more endear'd to it than now;[3632]
When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry,[3633]
Threw many a northward look to see his father
Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain.[3634]
Who then persuaded you to stay at home?15
There were two honours lost, yours and your son's.
For yours, the God of heaven brighten it![3635]
For his, it stuck upon him as the sun
In the grey vault of heaven, and by his light
Did all the chivalry of England move20
To do brave acts: he was indeed the glass
Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves:
He had no legs that practised not his gait;[3636]
And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish,[3636]
Became the accents of the valiant;[3636]25
For those that could speak low and tardily[3636][3637]
Would turn their own perfection to abuse,[3636]
To seem like him: so that in speech, in gait,[3636]
In diet, in affections of delight,[3636]
In military rules, humours of blood,[3636]30
He was the mark and glass, copy and book,[3636]
That fashion'd others. And him, O wondrous him![3636][3638]
O miracle of men! him did you leave,[3636]
Second to none, unseconded by you,[3636][3639]
To look upon the hideous god of war[3636]35
In disadvantage; to abide a field[3636][3640]
Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur's name[3636]
Did seem defensible: so you left him.[3636][3641]
Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong[3636]
To hold your honour more precise and nice[3636]40
With others than with him! let them alone:[3636]
The marshal and the archbishop are strong:[3636]
Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,[3636][3642]
To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck,[3636]
Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave.[3636]
North. Beshrew your heart,45
Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me
With new lamenting ancient oversights.
But I must go and meet with danger there,
Or it will seek me in another place
And find me worse provided.
Lady N. O, fly to Scotland,[3629][3643]50
Till that the nobles and the armed commons
Have of their puissance made a little taste.
Lady P. If they get ground and vantage of the king,[3644]
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,55
First let them try themselves. So did your son;
He was so suffer'd: so came I a widow;
And never shall have length of life enough
To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,
That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven,60
For recordation to my noble husband.
North. Come, come, go in with me. 'Tis with my mind
As with the tide swell'd up unto his height,
That makes a still-stand, running neither way:[3645]
Fain would I go to meet the archbishop,65
But many thousand reasons hold me back.[3646]
I will resolve for Scotland: there am I,
Till time and vantage crave my company. [Exeunt.
Scene IV. London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.
Enter two Drawers.[3647]
First Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there?[3648]
apple-johns? thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an
apple-john.
Sec. Draw. Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once[3649]
set a dish of apple-johns before him, and told him there5
were five more Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I
will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered[3650]
knights.' It angered him to the heart: but he hath forgot
that.
First Draw. Why, then, cover, and set them down: and10
see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet
would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the room where[3651][3652]
they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.[3652]
Sec. Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master[3652]
Poins anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and15
aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath
brought word.[3653]
First Draw. By the mass, here will be old utis: it will[3654]
be an excellent stratagem.
Sec. Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit.20
Enter Hostess and Doll Tearsheet.[3655]
Host. I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an[3656]
excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily
as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant
you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la! But, i'[3657]
faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a[3658]25
marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere
one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?[3659]
Dol. Better than I was: hem!
Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth[3660]
gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.30
Enter Falstaff.[3661]
Fal. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'—Empty[3662]
the jordan. [Exit First Drawer].—[Singing] 'And was a[3662][3663]
worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!
Host. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.[3664]
Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they[3665]35
are sick.
Dol. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you[3666]
give me?
Fal. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
Dol. I make them! gluttony and diseases make them;[3667]40
I make them not.
Fal. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help[3668]
to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch
of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.[3669]
Dol. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.[3670]45
Fal. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve[3671]
bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come off the
breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely;
to venture upon the charged chambers bravely,—
Dol. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself![3672]50
Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two[3673]
never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both,
i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot[3674]
one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year![3675]
one must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker55
vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Dol. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux
stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the
hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going60
to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no,
there is nobody cares.
Re-enter First Drawer.[3676]
First Draw. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would[3677]
speak with you.
Dol. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come65
hither: it is the foul-mouthedst rogue in England.
Host. If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my[3678]
faith; I must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers:[3678][3679]
I am in good name and fame with the very best:
shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: I have70
not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the
door, I pray you.
Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess?
Host. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes[3680]
no swaggerers here.75
Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
Host. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient[3681]
swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to me, 'twas[3682]
no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I' good faith,[3683]80
neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master Dumbe, our minister, was[3684]
by then; 'neighbour Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that
are civil; for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a' said[3685]
so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you are an honest
woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what85
guests you receive: receive,' says he, 'no swaggering
companions.' There comes none here: you would bless you to[3686]
hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers.
Fal. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'[3687][3688]
faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound:[3688]90
he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her[3689]
feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him
up, drawer. [Exit First Drawer.
Host. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man
my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering,95
by my troth; I am the worse, when one says swagger: feel,[3690]
masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.[3691]
Host. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an[3692]
aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.100
Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.[3693]
Pist. God save you, Sir John![3694]
Fal. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge
you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine
hostess.
Pist. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two105
bullets.
Fal. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.[3695]
Host. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll[3696]
drink no more than will do me good, for no man's
pleasure, I.110
Pist. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
Dol. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What!
you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away,
you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.
Pist. I know you, Mistress Dorothy.115
Dol. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung,
away! by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy
chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you[3697]
bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since
when, I pray you, sir? God's light, with two points on[3698]120
your shoulder? much![3699]
Pist. God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff[3700]
for this.
Fal. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off[3701]
here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.[3701]125
Host. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
Dol. Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art
thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were[3702]
of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking[3703]
their names upon you before you have earned them. You130
a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing a poor whore's
ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue!
he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A
captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as[3704][3705]
odious as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good[3705]135
word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need[3705]
look to't.[3706]
Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
Fal. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
Pist. Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I140
could tear her: I'll be revenged of her.[3707]
Page. Pray thee, go down.
Pist. I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned[3708]
lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and[3708][3709]
tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down,[3708]145
down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?[3708][3710]
Host. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late,[3711]
i' faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.[3712]
Pist. These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses,[3713]
And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,[3713][3714]150
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,[3713][3715]
Compare with Cæsars, and with Cannibals,[3713][3716]
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with[3713][3717]
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.[3713]
Shall we fall foul for toys?[3713]155
Host. By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
Bard. Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl
anon.
Pist. Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have[3718]
we not Hiren here?160
Host. O' my word, captain, there's none such here.[3719]
What the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For[3720][3721]
God's sake, be quiet.[3721]
Pist. Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come,
give's some sack.[3722]165
'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'[3723]
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:[3724]
Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.[3724]
[Laying down his sword.[3724][3725]
Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?[3724][3726]
Fal. Pistol, I would be quiet.170
Pist. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif: what! we have[3727]
seen the seven stars.
Dol. For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot[3728]
endure such a fustian rascal.
Pist. Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway175
nags?
Fal. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat[3729]
shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall[3730]
be nothing here.
Bard. Come, get you down stairs.180
Pist. What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?[3731]
[Snatching up his sword.[3731]
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days![3731]
Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds[3731]
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say![3731][3732]
Host. Here's goodly stuff toward![3733]185
Fal. Give me my rapier, boy.
Dol. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.[3734]
Fal. Get you down stairs.
[Drawing, and driving Pistol out.[3735]
Host. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping
house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder,190
I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put
up your naked weapons. [Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph.[3736]
Dol. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.[3737]
Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
Host. Are you not hurt i' the groin? methought a'[3738]195
made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
Re-enter Bardolph.[3739]
Fal. Have you turned him out o' doors?[3740]
Bard. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt[3741]
him, sir, i' the shoulder.[3742]
Fal. A rascal! to brave me!200
Dol. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape,
how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; come on,
you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee:[3743]
thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon,
and ten times better than the Nine Worthies: ah,[3744]205
villain![3744]
Fal. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.[3745]
Dol. Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, I'll[3746][3747]
canvass thee between a pair of sheets.[3746]
Enter Music.
Page. The music is come, sir.210
Fal. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee,
Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me
like quicksilver.
Dol. I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.[3748]
Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when[3749]215
wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining o' nights, and[3750]
begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?
Enter, behind, Prince Henry and Poins, disguised.[3751]
Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;[3752]
do not bid me remember mine end.
Dol. Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?[3753]220
Fal. A good shallow young fellow: a' would have[3754]
made a good pantler, a' would ha' chipped bread well.[3754][3755]
Dol. They say Poins has a good wit.[3756]
Fal. He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as[3753]
thick as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in[3753]225
him than is in a mallet.
Dol. Why does the prince love him so, then?[3757]
Fal. Because their legs are both of a bigness; and a'
plays at quoits well; and eats conger and fennel; and
drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons; and rides the230
wild-mare with the boys; and jumps upon joined-stools;
and swears with a good grace; and wears his boots very[3758]
smooth, like unto the sign of the leg; and breeds no bate
with telling of discreet stories; and such other gambol[3759]
faculties a' has, that show a weak mind and an able body,[3760]235
for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself
is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales[3761]
between their avoirdupois.[3762]
Prince. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears
cut off?240
Poins. Let's beat him before his whore.[3763]
Prince. Look, whether the withered elder hath not[3764]
his poll clawed like a parrot.
Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so many
years outlive performance?245
Fal. Kiss me, Doll.
Prince. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction!
what says the almanac to that?
Poins. And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man,[3765]
be not lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,[3766]250
his counsel-keeper.
Fal. Thou dost give me flattering busses.
Dol. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.[3767]
Dol. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young255
boy of them all.
Fal. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive[3768]
money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A[3769]
merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt[3770][3771]
forget me when I am gone.260
Dol. By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou[3771][3772]
sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy
return: well, hearken at the end.[3773]
Fal. Some sack, Francis.
Prince. } Anon, anon, sir. [Coming forward.[3774]265
Poins. }
Fal. Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not
thou Poins his brother?[3775]
Prince. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what
a life dost thou lead!
Fal. A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou270
art a drawer.
Prince. Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out
by the ears.
Host. O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my[3776][3777]
troth, welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that[3777][3778]275
sweet face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales?[3779]
Fal. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by[3780]
this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.[3781]
Dol. How, you fat fool! I scorn you.
Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge280
and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
Prince. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely
did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,[3782]
civil gentlewoman!
Host. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she[3783]285
is, by my troth.[3784]
Fal. Didst thou hear me?
Prince. Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you[3785]
ran away by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and
spoke it on purpose to try my patience.290
Fal. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast
within hearing.
Prince. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful
abuse; and then I know how to handle you.
Fal. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.[3786]295
Prince. Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and[3787]
bread-chipper and I know not what?[3788]
Fal. No abuse, Hal.
Poins. No abuse?
Fal. No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none.300
I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might
not fall in love with him; in which doing, I have done the[3789]
part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is[3790]
to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none:
no, faith, boys, none.[3791]305
Prince. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice
doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close[3792]
with us? is she of the wicked? is thine hostess here of the
wicked? or is thy boy of the wicked? or honest Bardolph,[3793]
whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?310
Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
Fal. The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;
and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth
nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a
good angel about him; but the devil outbids him too.[3794]315
Prince. For the women?
Fal. For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns[3795][3796]
poor souls. For the other, I owe her money; and whether[3796]
she be damned for that, I know not.
Host. No, I warrant you.320
Fal. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit
for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for
suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the
law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.
Host. All victuallers do so: what's a joint of mutton[3797]325
or two in a whole Lent?
Prince. You, gentlewoman,—
Dol. What says your grace?
Fal. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
[Knocking within.[3798]
Host. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the330
door there, Francis.
Enter Peto.[3799]
Prince. Peto, how now! what news?[3800]
Peto. The king your father is at Westminster;
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north: and, as I came along,335
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
Prince. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,[3801]
So idly to profane the precious time;340
When tempest of commotion, like the south[3802]
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt,
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
[Exeunt Prince Henry, Poins, Peto, and Bardolph.[3803]
Fal. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and345
we must hence, and leave it unpicked. [Knocking within.][3804]
More knocking at the door!
Re-enter Bardolph.[3805]
How now! what's the matter?
Bard. You must away to court, sir, presently;[3806]
A dozen captains stay at door for you.[3806]350
Fal. [To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,[3807]
hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how
men of merit are sought after: the undeserver may sleep,
when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches:
if I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.355
Dol. I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst,—well,
sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
Fal. Farewell, farewell. [Exeunt Falstaff and Bardolph.[3808]
Host. Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these
twenty nine years, come peascod-time; but an honester and360
truer-hearted man,—well, fare thee well.
Bard. [Within] Mistress Tearsheet![3809]
Host. What's the matter?
Bard. [Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my[3809]
master.365
Host. O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come. [She[3810]
comes blubbered.] Yea, will you come, Doll?[3810] [Exeunt.