Hirsute Philosophy.
“For a military man,” said a conceited coxcomb, to Abe one day, “don’t you think moustaches becoming?” “Well, sir,” was Abe’s reply, “they may be coming, but haven’t yet arrived.”
Slander.
“It,” said the conductor of State Affairs in America, “would be a perpetual flea hunt if one were obliged to run down all the inuendoes, the inveracities, the insinuations, the suspicions, &c., uttered against him.”
Change of Climate.
The President of America, while taking a stroll along the wharfs of Boston, U. S., met a tall, gaunt-looking figure, a “digger,” from California, and got into conversation with him. “Healthy climate, I suppose?” “Healthy! it ain’t anything else. Why, stranger, you can choose there any climate you like, hot or cold, and that without travellin’ more than fifteen minutes. Jest think o’ that the next cold morning when you get out o’ bed. There’s a mountain there—the Sawyer Navaday, they call it—with a valley on each side of it, the one hot, and t’other cold. Well, get on the top of that mountain with a double-barrelled gun, and you can, without movin’, kill either summer or winter game, jest as you will.” “What! have you ever tried it?” “Tried it! often, and should have done pretty well, but for one thing.” “Well, what was that?” “I wanted a dog that would stand both climates. The last dog I had froze off his tail while pintin’ on the summer side. He didn’t get entirely out of the winter side, you see—trew as you live.” Abe sloped.
Cruel News.
Admiral Farragut said that his ship was a first rate vessel, but its crew was somewhat ailing. The President immediately ordered a new crew and told poor Farragut to keep his “cruel” (crew ill news) to himself for the future.