You complaine that I haue done you iniurie,Anthypophora. if I haue, why then doe you not content your selfe to pursue the reuengement thereof, either with manlike or lawfull extremitie? Whie take you for a refuge these cankred foolish vpbraidings,Schesis onomatō. womanish encountrings, vnseemlie lyings, and childish threatnings. If we folow the rule you begin, we must straight waies bee children, and then I must wrangle why you stole away Toms bread and butter,Ironia. and you must threaten if I tell of that, you will then complaine of mee for eating vp the firmentie that was kept for the childs breakefast, or how I drunke vp my grandams ale and toste, or lick bread in the dripping panne, or some such like weightie causes.Insultatiō. A soueraigne capacitie no doubt. Is this manner of dealing deriued I pray you from your Gentilitie, or had you it by education, or haue you won it with your wealth, or is it incident to your reputation?Meiosis. Bee these your incounters? A braue canuisado, indeede, when to deface an honest minde, you haue shot out all the venome of twentie yeares acquaintance that you haue stuffed togethers, and all not woorth a butterflie, then to tell to those that accompanie you,Merismus. howe brauelie you haue touched mee, howe with your learned enditing to so manie read and shewed, you haue quencht mee, howe manie wayes behinde my backe, if you were so ill disposed you could kill mee, and for default of other matter forsooth, howe they laughed at mee to whome I haue spoke somewhat against you, and howe master B. found Socrates in my Letter, and sent to seeke out your well reputed sconce to expound it,Antiphrasis. not without the credit of your owne worshipfoltie to be admitted to the sight hereof:Prosonomasia. If I should for carrying this insight,Meiosis. not say you were a great Clearke, your grauitie I knowe would condemne mee, and it would bee thought in your deeper studies, that my senses did faile me.Charientismus. But alas sir, what is it that I woulde denie you? It is not I, well I wot that haue abilitie, or if I had, woulde presume so far as to impugne you,Epitropis. what wold you more sir? I am come to your bow, and acknowledge your credit, your worshipful acquaintance, and all else you haue brought me to. But yet sir, after all these sporting deuises, hee is but a Nidcote,Asteismus. and that wise man can tell you, that will glory so much in such fruitles follies.
But say I tis your vaine glory? No, not so,Metonoia. it is but a Thrasonicall exercise. There bee that affirme Gentilitie hath no deriuation, where is neither good nature,Anthypophora. honesty, nor friendly condition. But what is that to you? A man may sit vnder a stall with credit, but to be laid on a stal, smelleth somwhat of beggership.Sarcasmus. Go to, I warrant him he is a proud fellow, and little of good maner knoweth, that so rudely wil dare to speake of your maistership.
Yet nowe we be in, let vs goe to it by the weeke. In odde sooth I must tel you plainly,Apostrophe. your occupations haue beene too manifolde to thriue by your honesty. But perchance the terme is quaint, and you will saie this matter of honesty is besides your profession?Charientismus. Alacke sir, though it be, you must pardon the writer, it was but a mistake in his penning, by ill noting your pedegree.
Tush pedegree, pedegree, here is nothing with you in hande but twitting with pedegree. Cockes fish, these proude fellowes that haue nothing to liue vpō to see how malapert they be,Irmus. if they had ability to take to as you haue, & wherwithal to beare vp their heads in yᵉ world as you do, such credit with honorable & worshipfull, who haue multiplied your praises for noted good parts, apparantly seen to be in you, what would then become of their doings? Very true sir, but will not this be sufficient to giue scope to the name of a gentleman?Asteismus. Faith sir, to be plaine with you, tis but as the wiser sort do hold opinion.
For in our beliefe it is saide,Orismus. that a great deale better shewe doth it make to giue but one certaine & true demonstration of a gentleman, then to yeeld twenty brauados, and neuer come neare the true meaning of them, railing, lying, backbiting, slaundering, facing, vaunting, contemning,Omoiteleton. cogging, menacing, vpbraiding, taunting, and proudlie defacing other mens actions,Brachiologa. desertes, qualities, behauiours, and vertues, are in right reckoning, in verie trueth but slender partes of a Gentleman.
You wil say,Paramologia. I am too far bewitched to tell you of these things, you will raile at me, you will storme at me, you will not beleeue me:Asyndeton. you will alleadge I am too different herein from all other opinions, your acquaintance doe like of you, praise you, and magnifie you, very true indeede, but they are but a fewe,Meiosis. and such also as doe it, haue intent but to laugh at you,Allegoria. you are but the anuile whereout they hammer their pastimes, they vse you but as an instrument to bee pliable to their turnes.Omiosis. In this as to Will Sommers, they yeelde to your rages, they sooth vp your passions, and cokes vp your humors. But vnto me, to whom such fashions are loathsome,Apostrophe. and in whose cares those base purposesSynonymia. and surfetting demeanors of yoursEpitheton. are most ridiculous and hateful,Epizeuxis. they are too intolerable.
The Peacoke when hee spreadeth his tayle,Paradigma. is glorious of his beautie, but stooping downe to his feete, his feathers fall with the selfe sight immediately. Woulde you but abase your eyes vnto the lower part of your rising,Periphrasis. you might then recognize your original, and seeing the simple obiect whereout your prosperity hath beene deriued, confesse that tenne such glorious plumes as you studie to haue aduanced, without they were better qualified coulde scarse make a shewe beseeming the lowest part of all that belongeth to a Gentleman.
For my part it is not the shew you beare,Epanodis. but the pride wherewith you are caried that despiteth me,Hysterō proteron. the qualities you haue, and not the malice you vtter, that discontenteth me: whether your opinion stand good or bad to me, it is not that I accompt of, as beeing such a one whose censure to my knowledge, neuer stoode in that degree to bee reckoned of.Allegoria. Onely doubting least ouerswolne with your humours, you should consume in your follies I haue written that I haue done, leauing the rest to your own correction, if at least you haue any wit at al whereby to amend them.
An example of an other Epistle inuectiue, written in
cause of great desert against two
seueral parties.
I Am sorie it falleth vnto my lot among matters more serious,Exordium. that I must at this present incomber my pen, and enforce my labours, about so needlesse a purpose, as to decipher a knaue whome the worlde knoweth alreadie by his colours, and a companion of his that will shortly giue proofe of his facultie by his far spreading titles. And yet the time hath bin when by their shadowes I could set them both to viewe, and hauing cunningly deciphered them, could laugh at the portraiture, imagining that there were more heades to carpe at their villanies then honest meaning to excuse their treacheries.