The Mad Pranks of Tom Tram, Son-in-law to Mother Winter / To Which Are Added His Merry Jests, Odd Conceits, and Pleasant Tales.

by active 1635-1671 Humphrey Crouch

There was an old woman, named Mother Winter, that had but one son-in-law, and his name was Tom; and though he was at man's estate, yet would do nothing but what he listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart. Upon a time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, That those that would not work should be whipped. At which the old woman leap'd, and with great joy home she comes, meets with her son, and tells him the mayor of the town had made a decree, which was, That all those that would not work should be whipped. Has he so, says he, marry, my blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the decree. So the old woman left her son, and went again to the market; she was no sooner gone but her son looks into the stone pots, which she kept small beer in: and when he saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips off his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as hard as he could drive. The people who saw him do it, told his mother what he had done; which made the old woman cry out, O! that young knave will be hanged. So in that tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running and foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had broke both the pots; which made the old woman to say, O thou villain! what hast thou done? O mother, quoth he, you told me it was proclaimed, That all those that would not work, must be whipp'd; and I have often seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much at the mouth, that they befouled all the house where they stood; but these two lazy knaves, said he, told me; That they did never work, nor never meant to work; and therefore, quoth he, I have whipped them to death, to teach the rest of their fellow's to work, or never look me in the face again.

CHAP. II.

Another Jest of old Mother Winter, and her Son Tom.

Upon a time mother Winter sent her son Tom into the market, to buy her a penny worth of soap and gave him twelve-pence, and charged him to bring it home safe. Tom told her it should be so; and to that end it should be safe brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and buys one penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand barrow to carry the soap, and four men with brown bills to guard it along to her, giving them the eleven-pence for their pains, which made his mother in great fury, go to the mayor of the town, who committed him to prison: Now, the prison window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom, and some other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup of good liquor in their heads, began to sing and roar and domoneer, insomuch that the mayor heard them that night, and charged them they should leave off drinking and singing of bawdy songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him, That he should hear that he would amend his life, if he would pardon his fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeaners, they should be that night in prison, and upon amendment, being neighbours, he would release them in the morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed so far with a friend of his that he borrowed three shillings; which three shillings he spent upon his fellow prisoners, which made the poor men be ruled by him, and do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was gone to bed, the prison window, as before observed, being close to the chamber window, they begun to sing psalms so loud, that the mayor could take no rest; which made him cause one of his servants to bid them leave off singing. Tom Tram said, That it was the mayor's good counsel that they should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they lived there. Which made the mayor bid the jailor turn them out of prison, without paying their fees.

CHAP. III.

How Tom served his Hostess, and a Tobacco Seller, being another of his Jests.

It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles from his abode, over heaths and plains, where having dispatched his business, he chanced to be lodged in a room that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept many turkeys; which Tom seeing, he thrusts pins into two of their heads and in the night they died. The woman in the morning wondered how the fowls should come to die, Tom persuaded her that there was a great sickness where he dwelt amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his hostess to fling them away, the which she did. Tom watched where she flung them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at such a time when she was busy setting bread into the oven, so that he was sure she could not look after him. So he goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat, and away he runs; but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that sold tobacco up and down the country, at the foot of a hill, when he alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the bottom of which he falls down, and lies crying as if he had broke one of his legs, and makes to the man a most piteous lamentation; that he was six or seven miles from any town, there being no house near; and that he was like to perish for want of succour. The man asked, Where he dwelt? he said with a knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The man knowing the knight, and thinking Tom's leg had really been broken, with much ado lifted him upon the horse. Tom was mounted, he prayed the man to give him his master's turkeys. Tom made the horse to gallop away, crying out, I shall be killed! I shall be killed! O my leg! what shall I do! O my leg! The man seeing him gone stood in amaze, and knew not what to think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his turkeys behind him, for fear of displeasing the knight, but carried them lugging along fretting and swearing in his boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a horse to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at the window. When the man alighted, Tom then called to him so loud, that most of the house heard him; O, said he, now I see thou art an honest man, I had thought you had set me upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to deceive me of my turkeys. The man replied, A pox take you and your turkeys, for I never was play'd the knave with so in my life; I hope that you will pay for the hire of the horse, which I was forced to borrow to follow you withal. That I will, said Tom, with all my heart.

CHAP. IV.

How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire.

Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel? Marry, said the man, I must go back with the horse I have hired. Quoth Tom, what did you give for the hire of him? Said the man, I gave five shillings. Well, said Tom, I will set you to the next public house, and then we will eat one of the turkeys; and I will bring you in good silver, the five shillings for the horse hire. The place appointed being two miles off, Tom appoints three or four of his companions to meet him, who did not fail, for they were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding upon the horses, Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon his own. Tom alighted, and called the hostler to set up his horse, and to give him oats enough, and caused a turkey to be roasted with all possible haste; which, according as he commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to his consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; whilst he, in the mean time, went to the host, and told him. They came to be merry, and money was short with him and desired he would lend him ten shillings upon his horse. The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the man five shillings for the hire of the horse, and spends the other five shillings freely upon him: by that time the day was very nigh spent, so that the man could get no further that night, but Tom and his companions took their leaves and returned home and the man went his way to bed little suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning, the man rising betimes, thinking to be gone, could have but one horse, unless he paid ten shillings, for Tom had left word with his host, that paying the money, he should have both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again by Tom, paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves were hanged, so away he went fretting and foaming to see himself abused.