CHAP. V.
How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen.
It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to create mirth, rode some miles from home to be merry, one of them would needs have Tom to wait upon him, and Tom was as willing as he to be in that company but as they were coming home, one of them cuts the reins of Tom's bridle; so that when Tom mounted upon his horse, the reins broke, and the horse run away with him in the midst of a great heath whereon stood a large gallows against which the horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the gentleman hoop'd and hallow'd, and said, Farewel, Tom, farewel; but Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins, and with his sword cut three or four chips from off the gallows; and at the next tavern Tom met with them, where they jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very earnestly entreated them to forbear; yet the more he entreated them, the more they play'd upon him: But to be even with them, in the morning Tom calls the ostler, and sends him for nutmegs and ginger, and gets a grater; and when he had grated them, he also grated the chips of the gallows, and mix'd with the spice only a little nutmeg and ginger he laid towards one end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of ale into the gentlemen's chamber he goes, begging of them not to mock him any more with the gallows; and he would give them that ale and spice; and so, says he, gentlemen, I drink to you all. Now as soon as he had drank, the ostler call'd him, as he gave him charge before so to do, down stairs runs Tom, as fast as he could: the gentlemen made all possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before he came up again, and that was what Tom desired. When he came again, seeing all the ale and spice gone, he says, Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried me to the gallows? Yes, says one of them, Well, says Tom, it was to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you want I have more for you; and with that shewed them the chips out of his pocket, and away he runs, leaving the gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they should be revenged on him.
CHAP. VI.
How Tom rode a Gossipping.
Tom heard of a company of women that would meet at the place a house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These women had formerly abused Tom, and now he thought to be even with them, so he goes to an apothecary's shop, buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a cake with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, and gets a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, knocks at the door, and asked the maid, whether there were many women, came a house-warming? The maid said, Not yet: I pray says Tom, take this cake, and if I come not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry; for I must go to a woman that is ready to lie down, and away he goes. The women came, and wondered what woman it should be that left that cake; some of them supposed that it was some midwife: They staid a while, and the person they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their meat, and at last to the cake. But it was not long in their bellies before it began to work, so that one must go to stool, another to vometing, and all of them were so sick, that the smell of them perfumed the house, and the breath of them was so strong, that none could endure it: In which time Tom shifts himself into man's apparel, and with a staff in his hand, came where his gossips were, and hearing them groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them what was the matter? They answered, they were all poisoned. Marry, quoth Tom, I hope not, if you please to let me have a horse, I will ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote to expel the poison. Take my horse, quoth one; take my horse, said another; or mine, said a third. Well, well, said Tom, I will take one. And into the stable he goes, and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he rides, and told him, that all the people of such a house had eaten something that hindred them from going to stool; and prayed him that he would without delay, carry them some Glysters; and that they had sent a horse for him and another for his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hasted thither with his glyster-pipes as fast as the horses could carry him and his man; but the doctor no sooner came into the house, but he smell'd there was no need of glysters. In the mean time Tom told not only all he met with, that there were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not only they, but all the women of the house were poisoned but went likewise to their husbands, and told them the like; so that all the people thereabouts repaired thither; which made the women so ashamed, that they knew not which way to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk; so that instead of comforting them, which they expected, they fell a reviling them; the women also fell to scolding among themselves, and would have fought, had not their husbands parted them, by carrying them home.
CHAP. VII.
How Tom served a company of Gypsies.
It happened on a day, towards night that there came a company of Gypsies into a town, and had not very long been there till Tom met them, and asked them, What they made there? They said, they came to town to tell the people their fortunes, that thereby they might withstand ensuing dangers. Aye, says Tom, and where do you lie to-night? They told him they could not tell. Nay, said Tom, if you will be contented to lie in straw, I will bring you where you may lie dry and warm. They thanked him, and told him they would tell him his fortune in the morning for nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them into a little thach'd house which had a ditch round about it, very close to the wall thereof; that house Tom help'd them to fill with straw, and see them take their lodging; and then, it being dark, Tom bad them good-night; and as soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it after him; and in the dead time of the night, Tom gets a long pole, with a wisp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on fire, calling out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves; who thinking to run over the bridge, fell into the ditch, crying and calling out for help, while, by Tom's means, most part of the town stood to see the jest; and as the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them, and carried them into an house where there was a good fire, for it was in the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them, that they should never make him believe that they could tell him any thing, that did not know what danger should befal themselves: But, says he, because you cannot tell me my fortune, I will tell you yours; For to-morrow in the forenoon you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the afternoon be hanged for setting the house on fire. The gypsies hearing this so strick sentence, made haste to dry themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and never came any more there.