How Tom sold his mother's Trevot, and cozened an Aquavitæ Man that sold hot water.
In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell with his arms before him, and at the last run his nose against a post; what, quoth Tom, is my nose longer than my arms? And afterwards he dropped into a well that was in the yard, and crying out, help, help, all is not well that is in the well, the neighbours came and pulled him out, and he dropp'd like a pig that had been roasted on a spit; but he was then in a cold condition, so he went to bed, and covered himself; but before morning, having a looseness in his belly, Tom had beshit the sheets; and when some, by the quick scent of their noses, had discovered the fault, he told them, it was nothing but the clear mud of the well that came away from him; and if he died of that sickness, he would be buried by torch-light, because none should see him go to his grave. Just as he had so said, in came a hot water man, of whom he requested to give him a sup; which having tasted, he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in his clothes, ran away with the aquavitæ man's bottle of hot water, and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long hawking pole, and a falconer's bag? which being tied to his side; and having drank up the poor man's hot water, he came reeling home with an owl upon his fist, saying, It is gentleman-like to be betwixt hawk and buzzard; and he told the aquavitæ man, that he had sent the trevot with three legs, to the next town to fill your bottles again.
CHAP. IX.
Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench of the West.
Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight sun, which shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved of young Tom Tram; and a sad story to tell, he grew not worth the bread he eat, through pining away for her love. Tom was loth to speak but still whistled; At last, when Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus: O Cicily Summers, if I Tom Tram, son of mother Winter, and thou Cicily Summers, be joined together what a quarter shall we keep, as big as three half years; besides, Cicily Summers, when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently cool thy heat; and when we walk on the street they'll say, yonder goes Summer and Winter; and for children, we shall beget every year a generation of Almanacks. So they went to the parson and were married; but they fell out so extremely, that she scolded all the summer season; and Tom he drank good ale, and told old tales all the winter time, and so they could never but thrive all the year thro'. Tom lived by good ale, and his wife by eating oatmeal; and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning, she put oatmeal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run water; but the next day he would be drunk again.
CHAP. X.
How Tom used a singing man of a Cathedral Church in the West.
Once there was a cathedral singing man, that had very much anger'd Tom, and had made songs and jests on him; whereupon Tom got upon his back an ox-hide, with the horns set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom, waiting till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass that way: at last came the singing man, up started Tom out of the hedge bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him: the singing man cried out, the devil! the devil! No, quoth Tom, I am the ghost of goodman Johnson, living hard by the church stile, unto whose house ye came and sung catches, and owes me Five Pounds for ale, therefore appoint me a day when ye will bring me my money hither, or else I will haunt thee still. The singing man promised that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and Tom made himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came about him as bees do about a honey pot; but Tom wore a rope in his pocket and being asked if he would marry, he would pull it out, and laugh, saying, I have broken my shins already, and will be wiser hereafter; for I am an old colt, and now may have as much wit as a horse.
CHAP. XI.
How he hired himself to the justice, and what pranks he played while with him.