The justice at this time being without a man, and finding Tom to be a lively fellow, asking him, if he would serve him. Yes, quoth Tom, for I am a great many miles from the country. As soon as they had agreed for wages, Tom was immediately entertained: But he had not liv'd long there before the justice and his family was obliged to go to London, leaving no body at home but Tom. Now in the justices absence, an officer brought a lusty young woman and a little man with a complaint; so they knocked at the door, and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told him that the man whom she had brought before him had lain with her by force. Adzooks, quoth Tom, is it possible that such a little fellow as this could force such a strapping dame as you, Alas! Sir, said she, although he is little he is strong. Well, little whipper-snapper, quoth Tom, what do you say to this; He replied, Like your worship it is false what she says; the truth is this: I have been at sea, and coming ashore, where I received my pay, I met with this woman, and agreed with her for half a crown, and when it was over, I pull'd out my purse to pay her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing that I had a considerable sum of money, contrary to our bargain, would force me to give her ten shillings, and because I would not, she has brought me before your worship. Have you got that purse of money? quoth Tom: Yes, Sir, said the seaman. Give it into my hand said Tom. He receives it, and turning to the woman, said, Here take it and get about your business. She replied, I thank your worship you are an honest good man, and have done me justice. The little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly cried out, I am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the world. Well, quoth Tom, haste after her, and take it from her again. According to Tom's order he runs after her, and when he came after her he said, I must, and will have my purse again: Then she fell, about his ears and cuft him; nay this did not satisfy her, but she dragged him back again to Tom, who sat as justice, and told him, that the fellow followed her for the purse, which he in justice gave her. Well, said Tom, and has he go it? No, said she, I think not, before he should take it from me, I'd tear out both his eyes. Let me see it again, says Tom: She gives it to him. Is all the money in it? quoth he: Yes, Sir, said she every penny. Why then, said he, here little whipper-snapper, take your purse again; and as for you, Mrs. Impudence, had you defended your honesty as well as you did the money, I never had been troubled with this complaint. Here, Mr. Constable, give her an hundred lashes at the town's whipping-post: which was accordingly done, and Tom was applauded for his just proceedings.
SEVERAL
MERRY TALES.
TALE I.
Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter night.
The tapster said, Sir, will you go to bed. No, quoth the scholar, there are thieves abroad, and would not willingly be taken napping. So the tapster left him, and being gone, in came a spirit into the chamber, with his head under his arm, so that he durst not stir, but cried out, Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves! So when they of the house came to him they asked him, what was the matter! Oh, quoth he, the devil was here, and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but now I will go to bed, and if he comes again, I will send him to the tapster to help him to make false reckonings: It being a cold night, quoth he, I will first put fire to toe, that is, I will warm my toes by the fire, then I'll go to bed. And so he did, and a great reckoning the next morning put the scholar out of his jest, saying, that was in earnest made too large a reckoning, he being but poor Sir John of Oxford.
TALE II.
One that was going to a wedding had a great occasion to untruss a point; whereupon he went under a hedge, but the place not pleasing him, he went under a haystack and then into a saw-pit, and afterwards into a hog-stye, where he did his business. Now the other clowns that were with him, asked him if he had done his task and days labour; Yes, quoth he, I have shit three shillings in nine pences, go and fetch them they are more than a day's labour will come to. So they went to the wedding house, and when they came thither, they were making a reckoning for the fidler, and every one gave what he listed. Oh, quoth one of them, if you want money to make up the reckoning, here is one that can shite three shillings in nine-pences. If he can, quoth the guests, let him bring them hither in his mouth, for I fear they are of so soft a metal, that they will melt in spite of his teeth. So after they had danced a while, a fart was let; whereupon says one, this fart was full charged, for it yielded a large vent; meaning his shirt.
TALE III.
Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so a country-man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, your nose stands in my way; whereupon the other fellow with the great nose, took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, A pox on thee, go and be hanged.