When the Story has gone this length, and begins to be old, and almost obliterated, the News-Paper that was most forward in publishing it, to the astonishment of all Mankind, cries out peccavi, and confesses how he was imposed on; acknowledges his Sorrow and Contrition, and heartily begs Pardon of the Publick, and the Person, whom he now maintains to be alive, and in good health; and says, that the Report of his Death, as publish'd in his, and other Papers, is entirely false, groundless, and without any manner of Foundation.
There have been Instances of Women who have been frighten'd into Miscarriages, and some even to Death, at the unexpected Visits of their Friends, (whom, upon the Credit of the Papers) they have verily believed to have been as really dead as their great Grandmothers were. A Lady of Quality, that is become superannuated, is not to confine herself to Books of Devotion alone; People are not born for themselves only; no, no, as ancient as she is, she must yet do some Service to the Society. Says an Author, what, Shall her Grace fancy herself as hail at Fourscore as she was at Forty? Accordingly, he lends her his Hand, and she is led very dangerously ill into his Paper. The next Morning he is obliged to retract it, and so the Publick are Gainers two Paragraphs by it.
Nor shall a Lord Spiritual or Temporal, that has attain'd his Grand Climacterical Year, and yet remains in a good state of Mind and Body, lie idle, but must occasionally be extremely ill, attended by sundry Physicians, and given over; when a Dearth of Tales and Tidings shall cause a Chasm in the Paper. The Persons so mention'd, read these Relations themselves, and oftentimes with much pleasure, because they receive a real Benefit by 'em: for they divert the Spleen and Vapours, natural to old Age, and so prove a happy Means of preserving them alive, much longer than some People perhaps may care for.
A noble Lord, in a high Station, that is pretty far advanced in Years, never rises from his Bed, but asks, Am I in the Papers? For it has been an Observation made by most People, that his Name has been made use of for being greatly indispos'd; finely mended; dangerously relaps'd; in a fair way of Recovery; going to, and returning from the Country; and being sent for by Expresses to assist at Councils, that have not been held, and Boards that have not met, on Business of great Importance, constantly de Die in Diem, in one Paper or other, for several years together.
A Man may better venture to take a Purse from a Merchant upon Change, than a Judge to take an airing in his Coach, without being taken into Custody of a News-Writer for it. I have known them give such minute Accounts of the times of the Judges setting out for this Place and from that Place in their private Capacities, that some of them have actually suspended their Journeys, to prevent Highway-mens taking the Hint, and lying in ambush for them on the Roads.
I am told of a certain Great Man who hath been most grosly affronted and vilify'd by certain Papers from Week to Week, Month to Month, and from Year to Year, for a very long Series of Time; and who hath publickly declar'd, that nothing shall provoke him to depart from a Maxim which he has long laid down, viz. That 'tis better one Man be perpetually abus'd, than Thousands perish.
About Michaelmas, an Author has told us in Print, he was assured that Christmas-Day would be on the 25th of December following. If the Man has not been starv'd before the time, but surviv'd to St. Stephen's Day, and seen his wonderful Prediction happen and come to pass; 'tis pleasant to observe, how he glories and exults in his next Paper, telling us, It is agreeable to what was formerly publish'd in his, and in no other Paper; and sets a high value on his Judgment for anticipating his Brethren, the other Writers, who look like Fools at one another, to see themselves thus jockey'd out of so remarkable a piece of Intelligence.
One Day we are told of a Reform of the Army, and the next of a Promotion of General Officers. 'Tis merry enough to see a Colonel of a Regiment in a Coffee-House, reading a News-Paper, that informs him of a Gentleman being made Lieutenant-Colonel to a Company of Foot; and of a General of Horse being promoted to the Rank of Captain-Lieutenant in his own Regiment; of which the Papers extant have afforded us numberless Instances. We often read of some Duke, who is called eldest Son and Heir apparent to a Viscount or Baron, going to, or returning from his Travels.
A dignify'd Clergyman, who had given a few Sacks of Coals amongst some poor People in hard Weather, happen'd to come into Brown's Coffee-House in Spring-Garden, where some of the Gentlemen cry'd out, Doctor, you're in the Papers. The Gentleman seem'd to be greatly surprized at the thing: What impudent Rascal has made free with my Character? answers the Priest. Upon which one, with an audible Voice, read out the Paragraph, which contained nothing more than a fine Encomium on his Charity. The Doctor said, indeed there was some Truth in it; but then, how impertinent it was in any Fellow to make such a trifling Affair the Burden of his Paper. This gave occasion for various Reflections on the Papers in general. The Printer happen'd to be present, and heard himself, and others of his Fraternity abused, in this manner for some time. Several Gentlemen that were his Acquaintance, thought it far better to be silent, than to interfere in his favour, because that might tend to expose him to the Doctor's farther Clamour and Resentment. After the Divine had harangued the Company with a long Discourse upon the Insolence of Authors, Printers, and Publishers; the Printer pull'd out of his Pocket the Copy from which this injurious Article had been printed, and which appear'd, to the entire Satisfaction of every one present, to be the Doctor's own Hand-Writing. The Printer further declar'd, that he knew no more of the matter, than that his Servants, in his absence, receiv'd the usual Price of three Shillings and Six-pence, for its being inserted in his Paper.
The Tricks which have been put upon the weak and credulous part of Mankind during the Drawing of the late State-Lottery by letting out what were called Horses and Chances to Women and Children, are wonderful. There was a Gentlewoman, not far from St. Dunstan's Church in Fleet-Street, who having the Misfortune to fall in with the Opinion of many, that the Tickets would still come down to Par, had therefore neglected to provide herself till the Premiums were got so high that she chose rather than purchase a Ticket, to put herself in Fortune's Way by Riding. Being recommended to the honestest Broker in the Alley, she got mounted upon a very odd Number, and one which had been successful in a former Lottery. She grew more familiar with Morning and Evening Prayers than ever. One day she fasted, another day feasted, and when a sturdy Beggar ask'd her Assistance, they were not put off with You're able to work, but were sure of Relief. Her Maids were treated as though they had been her nearest Relations, and her Children could do nothing to ruffle her Temper. In a word, she declared for nothing but Acts of Charity and Piety, and never had such a Harmony been seen before in the Family. If anyone knocked at the Door in haste, she grew pale, and was all over in a Trembling, expecting it to be the joyful News; and, by way of Precaution, she had spoke to a Surgeon to be ready upon a short Notice, because she intended to lose a few Ounces, to prevent the Consequence of a Surprize. She kept de die in diem renewing her Ticket, upon the Information of a little blind Office whither the Broker carried her, that it remain'd undrawn. Three Weeks past, and she could hear no Tales or Tidings of either of the Ten Thousands, notwithstanding the many thousand good things she vow'd to do, if Madam Fortune would but for once vouchsafe to become her humble Servant; resolving not to be discouraged, because her Dreams still assured that there was some good thing in store for her in the Wheel. She continued renewing her Ticket till the last Week of the Drawing, when being advised to consult the Register at the Lottery-Office in Whitehall, she had the sorrowful Satisfaction to find how she had been abused, the Ticket which she had hired for thirty-two Days at the different Prices the Horses bore, having been drawn a Blank the second day of the Lottery.