If any Tradesman has been injuriously treated by the Steward or the House-keeper, who seldom stand high in the Esteem of these lower Domesticks, the Fees are then dispensed with, and they are admitted gratis, or more properly in forma Pauperis, because the Complaint may prove of such a nature, as to bring about a Change in the Ministry of the House, and be the Means of an insolent, haughty, over-bearing Spirit being dismiss'd the Family, and Te Deum sung in the Kitchen and the other lower Offices for a Revolution above-stairs.
A Man stone-blind may as soon attempt to view the Sun, as a Tradesman or a Pauper to attempt the sight of a Great Man without paying the above Dues; for my Lord shall at one time be very ill, and at another just gone out: one Day he is indisposed, and rested badly, and another Day better, but sees no Company; and have these constant regular Intermissions of Sickness and Health for three or four Months together.
Sometimes Credit has indeed been given in these Cases, but then they have known, and been pretty sure of their Men. A Gentleman, who had many times met with these Put-offs at the Door of a Nobleman, came one day to the Porter with two Half-Crown Pieces, chinking them from one Hand to the other, upon which his Lordship happened to be at home. Having got his Pass to him, and done his Business, he return'd thro' the Hall with the Money in his Pocket, smiling upon the Porter, who he had thus decently deceiv'd.
A Widow, who had once sold a Fan of Half a Guinea Price to a Person of Quality, the Porter refused to let her go out of the Door without paying her Fee, and kept her in durance. She desired to know his Demands; he told her, a Shilling: Upon this, she gave him a Crown, bidding him give her Change, which he did. It happen'd to be a Brass Piece, which he not perceiving, the Woman got out in haste, to avoid being detected; but when she came to look on her Money, she found the Fellow had given her four Leaden Shillings in the change of it.
The Duties of Tonnage and Poundage, which the Upper Servants, as they call themselves, have imposed upon Tradesmen who serve the Families that entertain them, are very far from being thought sufficient and satisfactory. For besides a Butcher, Poulterer, or Fishmonger's being at the constant beck of the Clerk to a Kitchin, or the Groom of a Chamber, to follow him to a Tavern in the Morning, and bring something that's pretty, to compose a Breakfast for two or three hungry Fellows out of Business, as he shall have in his Company, they must, I say, moreover learn the Art of Brewing, and keep constantly a Cup of good nappy Ale in their Houses, to entertain the Cook, and all the other Gentry of the Kitchen, when they shall please to make a Visit. A Tradesman must lend his Money, pass his Word, stand Bail for Arrests, and Sponsor at Christenings, and now and then be a Surety to the Parish for a Bastard Child. He must do all this, and a great deal more, or else every thing he furnishes shall be found fault with: They shall tell him what application has been made by others for the Custom, what pains they have taken to defeat it, and how often they are forc'd to stand in the Gap for him, when his Goods have been complain'd of, and his Discharge actually order'd.
A Coachmaker once assured me, that he seldom made a Coach or Chariot for any Person of great Quality, but that what with the chief of the Men-servants running after himself, and the Women-servants after his Wife, he has been put to such an Expence, as would have fairly bought a pair of Horses to have drawn the Equipage.
As many of our News-Papers are charged with playing Tricks with the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are chiefly these, Falsity, Absurdity, and Trifling. We are frequently amused with the Lives and Actions of Persons that were never born; and with the Deaths of those that never liv'd; and large Estates devis'd by People that never enjoy'd them, nor indeed ever claim'd any Right so to do.
An Author, in the Morning, gives us an Account of the Death of a Person of Note and Eminence, whose Condition hath entitled him to a Place in his Paper; he tells us the Place, Day, Hour, and the Minute he expir'd, with a long detail of the Fortune and Merit he was possessed of. A Writer for the Evening enters his Caveat against some Particulars of the Fact, and declares his Brother hath had an ill Information; for that the Party did not depart at the Time mention'd in his Paper, and that himself only is in possession of the truth; and avers, that it happen'd above half an Hour after that Time, and at a different Place than what the other has reported it. The next Day a Third starts up, with a grievous Complaint of the Town's being impos'd upon, and triumphs in a more genuine and exact Account than either of 'em. He insists upon it, that he did not fairly leave the World till full fourteen Minutes and fifty nine Seconds after the time both the others have brought it down to; and moreover maintains, that the Demise in dispute happen'd at a Seat in the Country, and not at an House in the Town, as has been falsly publish'd in the other Papers.
They are now all together by the ears about settling of the Will, and disposing of the Estate. After a great deal of wrangling upon those Heads, they begin to consider that the Corpse must have Christian Burial; they turn their Thoughts to that Point, and begin to settle the Funeral. One Author is for its lying in State; another will not come into it, but declares for a private Interment. At last a Writer buries it in a most magnificent manner, in a Church some Miles distant from London; and his Antagonist performs the Funeral at another Church fifty Miles farther than that, and in a more decent way. Next a Paper gives us the Names of those that supported the Pall, together with who was the chief Mourner. This is so provoking to him who could not lay hold on this Intelligence in time, that he is resolv'd to be even with his Rival; so that the next News we hear, are the Heads of the Sermon that was preach'd at the Funeral.
The Friends and Acquaintance of the Deceas'd, that may be remote from the Town, and have nothing else to govern them but these Advices, believe the main of them; and notwithstanding their Perplexities and Variation, all credit the Death of their old Friend, and begin to descant on the Actions of his Life, some conjecturing what he must have died worth, and what a Man he might have been, was it not for such a Failing; and others, how long they had remembred and been acquainted with him, &c.