Diamonds cut Diamonds.
y Son get Money, said a wiser Man than you or I, honest Reader: That is the Precept; but he went no farther, leaving the Business of Committee Men, Ways and Means, &c. to the peculiar Turn of Thought, or Biass of Invention of every individual Money-Getter. Of all the Methods made use of to attain this great End, I believe it will be allow'd that he who gains his point the easiest way, is the wisest Person: For instance, I know there are Mines of Gold and Silver in Peru and Mexico; but when one considers at what a very inconvenient distance these are, and what Toils and Dangers must be undergone before an Ingot of either can be pocketed, what is to be done in the Case? We cannot go to them, and they will not come to us. In this plunge of Affairs, we resolve to pick it up by Shillings, Crowns, Guineas, Moidores, &c. at home.
That the one half of this great over-grown Metropolis knows but little how the other is truly supported, is a Maxim, I believe, older than the Walls themselves; that a considerable number of Persons are daily employed and kept in constant pay to go about damaging and destroying all manner of wearing Apparel, when they can find an Opportunity of doing it without any Inconveniences to themselves, is a Fact that will admit of no manner of Dispute. I have been inform'd, that if a Coachman or Carter can decently dash a Gentleman or a Lady that are richly dress'd, when they are walking the Streets, over their Head and Ears, and make due Proof of the Fact, there is not a Draper or Mercer within half a Mile of the Place where the Exploit was perform'd, but who will readily tip the Man a Shilling for his Trouble.
Every body knows, that when a Foot-Soldier was taken in the Court of Requests at Westminster, bedaubing a noble Lord's new Suit of Clothes upon his Back, with a composition of Powders that in a Week's time would have render'd them not worth the acceptance of his Valet de Chambre; the honest Man, upon a very strict Examination before a Magistrate, was at last brought, though with great reluctancy, to confess his receiving a Salary of Thirty Pounds per Ann. from certain Drapers, Taylors, and Scowrers, for those kinds of Services.
A few Weeks since I happen'd into a very large promiscuous Company of Gentlemen and Tradesmen, at a Tavern near the Royal-Exchange; I had not been seated amongst them a Quarter of an Hour, before a Waiter came to top the Candles, and let a Snuff fall upon the Sleeve of my Coat, which instantly burnt a great hole in the Cloth. All the Satisfaction I had, was in calling him careless Rascal, and his begging my pardon. This was soon follow'd by a great Glass of Wine one of the Company let fall upon the Table, which wetted three or four Peoples Clothes pretty heartily. By and by a full Flask was overset, which put half a dozen more of us into the same pickle; so that nothing was heard for some time, but, Sir, I am heartily sorry; I beg your pardon; Mischances will happen, but I hope it won't stain; and the like. We were all up from our Chairs, wiping and cleaning one another. We were no sooner got into order again, and begun to be merry, forgetting what was past, but Supper came to be set upon the Table; when the Cook, in handing a Dish of Fish over our Shoulders, let fall the Bason, with all the Sauce in it, upon half a score of us. We now were in a worse Condition than ever, and all got upon our Legs again in the utmost Confusion and Disorder; and with rumbling and tumbling about, a huge Pewter Piss-pot, with about half a dozen Gallons of Urine in it, was thrown down from its Stand. I got a Pocket full to my share, and there were few of the Company but what had their Dividends of it. Bless me, says I, sure never such a Series and Train of Disasters fell out so before. In short, I could stand it no longer, but paid my Shot, and came away with my Clothes in such a condition, that I had scarce ever seen the like, and was forc'd to give them away the next Morning. In a Day or two after, I was thoroughly satisfied with the real Cause of these Accidents, viz. that the House in which I had met with this Mischief, was entirely supported by Woollen Drapers, Taylors, and Button-sellers; and that we had got several of 'em that Night in our Company.
Women of Quality and Fashion will perhaps think themselves no ways liable to any of these Mischances; but I shall convince them, that howsoever secure they may imagine themselves to be from them by their Coaches and Chairs, and other Accommodations, they are yet to be come at by some People they are not well aware of. There are few Women of any Fashion, that make a tolerable Figure in the Beau Monde, but what have a continual clatter of Manteaumakers, Milliners, and Sempstresses about their Ears; besides Tire-Women, and Fortune-Tellers by Coffee-Grounds; together with a Train of Chamber-maids, and old Housekeepers, who have got married, and are permitted to visit the Families they once lived in. These, with a Croud of Midwives, Twelve-penny Lottery-Women, and other How d'ye do People, are for ever plaguing them with this new Fancy and Pattern, and recommending such and such Persons to their Custom for Teas, China, and Trumpery. And while a Story is telling of who's a going to be Married, who is brought to Bed, or who has Miscarried, down goes the Cup and Saucer, and the Tea all over her Ladyship's Petticoat; then do they curse their unlucky Hands, and beg ten thousand Pardons for the Mischance; and threaten to go to India, but they will match the Set, so as not to be distinguish'd by the nicest Judgment. The whole Suit of Clothes, perhaps, becomes the Perquisite of my Lady's Woman, and the Set of China is not to be match'd in the Kingdom. The Dealers soon get Intelligence of the Accident, from the Person by whose Hands it was done; and the Lady is teaz'd almost to death with People shewing her new Sets, new Patterns, and what not: and as soon as she has purchased, the Gossip, by whose dextrous Management the Traffick was brought about, not only begs and gets the damaged Set of China for herself, but moreover receives a Moiety out of the Shopkeeper's Profit who sold the new Set; as well as Poundage from the Mercer, for what he shall sell the Lady. I knew a Woman of Quality who was so strangely pester'd with this kind of Visitants, that she could never keep a clean Manteau to her Tail, nor a complete Set of China to her Tea-Table; and yet continued so incredulous, as not to be persuaded that there was any Art and Design in the Disasters that so frequently happen'd to her.
How many great Ladies have had their Gown-Tails cut from their Backsides at Balls and Operas, not so much for the sake of what Profit could be made of them, as has been apparent, but for the promoting of Trade and Commerce; and have return'd home in Jackets, like Dutch Burgomasters Wives, to their Families?
The Methods made use of to Gripe, Surfeit, Cholick, and otherwise disorder the Bodies of Children, as well as Persons of riper Years, in order to render them due Objects of Advice and Physick, I believe are obvious enough to every ingenious Person who is conversant with Families, and the Streets of London. What Person is there, of common Humanity amongst us, but must look with the utmost Grief and Concern upon that intolerable number of Wheel-barrows, Stands, and Benches, which are so industriously ranged and disposed thro' all the Streets, Lanes, and Alleys of the Town, retailing various Kinds of damaged and unwholesome Fruits to the Passengers? all which manifestly tend to destroy the Healths of those who are weak enough to purchase them, and oftentimes are the Cause of epidemical Diseases.
I hope none of my Readers will be so uncharitable as to suggest that there is a Combination amongst Quacks, Apothecaries or Druggists; for furnishing these moving Shopkeepers with Barrows, Baskets, Money to purchase unwholesome Fruit, or any other Necessaries and Conveniences for carrying on this dangerous Traffick with the middling People: but thus much must be said, that we generally find them posted at, or near the Doors and Shops of those Traders. And then, what a horrible Squall and Outcry is there, according to the Season, of Green Goosberries by the Gallon, Cherries by the Pound, Plumbs by the Hat-full, Cucumbers by the Dozen, and rare lumping Half-penny-worths of Pears, Pippins, and Pearmains, &c. The People are constantly complaining of Disorders they produce, but cannot refrain from them, because they are, as it were, thrust down their Throats in this manner; and when Advice is had, the Patient is rarely told that his Malady proceeded from the real Cause, but that Fruit is held to be good and cooling to the Blood at all Times and Seasons, and by all Countries and Constitutions. Thus the Patient repeats his Poison, the Prescriber his Fees, and the Apothecary his Potion. I once catch'd an Apothecary at the side of a Wheel-barrow enquiring of a dirty Hussey what Quantities of Goods she had disposed of for a Day or two; doubtless that he might thereby proportion the Quantity of his Medicines suitable to the Execution her Trash must have done amongst his Neighbours.