Another time I saw a Physician vouchsafe to descend from his Chariot to become an Advocate in the open Street for a Flat-Cap Retailer of Golden Rennets, who had caus'd a great Riot at a Door she was permitted to place her Barrow against, and pleaded as strenuously for her Continuance at it, as a Barrister would have done for a Fee of five Guineas; urging, among other Reasons, the Cruelty, and what an unchristian Action it would be in any one to obstruct a poor Wretch in procuring a small Livelihood in an honest industrious Way. This Argument had the more Weight with the People, because every one was surprized to hear so humane a Sentiment from a Practitioner in Physick.
Some Shopkeepers Wives being got together at a Merry-making, an Apothecary's Mortar-piece of the Company was complaining of the bad Situation her Husband's Affairs would have been in, if that it had not pleased G—d the Apricots, Plumbs and Nectarins had turned out vastly bad and plentiful this Year.
Sometimes when the Mischiefs arising from unwholesome Fruits are too apparent, and a general Outcry is raised by Nurses and Old Women against People's indulging themselves too freely in them; then Care is taken to conceal the Poison under little kind of Crusts in the nature of Pyes and Tarts: and besides what are sold in great Shops, itinerant Pastry-Cooks are dispersed all over the City and Suburbs to tempt liquorish Women and Children to become the Properties of an Apothecary's Shop.
Many there are, who would be inclined to think it something romantick, when I venture to assure them, that above an hundred Families in and about this City and Suburbs are actually supported and maintain'd by no other Means than those of stealing Dogs from the Doors and Houses of Persons of Quality and Condition; and that Children are actually put forth Apprentice for a certain Term of Years, and have Money given with them, to be instructed in this Art and Mystery.
We see, that when some of these innocent Animals are missing, what a Value is set upon them, by the round Sums offer'd by publick Advertisement. How many great Ladies are there, that would sooner be reconcil'd to the death of a Child, or a near Relation, than to that of a favourite Lap-Dog? And how often have we seen Families in deep Mourning on these sad Occasions? From Air to Air, and from Mineral to Mineral, have they been shifted upon the slightest Disorder. I have known a tip-top Physician sent for by an Express, and several Sets of Horses laid on the Road for him, to go with the utmost Expedition to visit a Lap-Dog that has been only ill of a sullen Fit, or so, in Yorkshire. A Woman of the first Quality, who, when all other Remedies fail'd her, found great Benefit by Walking, was obliged to give over that beneficial Exercise, for no other reason, forsooth, but that her favourite Dog could not keep pace with her, and what was found to be advantageous to her Constitution, was detrimental to his.
The Artificers who make a Livelihood by decoying these pretty Puppets away, for the sake of the Guineas and Half Guineas that are usually given for their recovery to the Owners, are fond to pay a close and diligent Attendance near the Doors of such Houses where they are held in the highest Estimation, and at the most proper Seasons. Four in the Afternoon is deem'd a good Hour for a Dog of Quality and Distinction: The dear pretty Soul has had a good Meal, and a thousand Kisses bestow'd on him; and my Lady, perhaps, has been too free with her Clary after Dinner, and so is gone to take a Nap. The Valet is kissing her Woman behind the Skreen in the Dining-Room: In the mean time, Jewel trips down stairs into the Hall, while the Porter is down in the Kitchen at a Horse-Laughter with the Footmen and Maids, and the Door committed to the Care of some drunken Chairman, or poor Fellow out of Place; and a poor-looking Creature is peeping in, under pretence of asking Charity. The Dog is instantly snapp'd up, and convey'd away under an old louzy Great-Coat, or a greasy Ridinghood, to some filthy Cellar or Garret. By and by my Lady wakes, and wants her Companion: 'Sdeath and Fireballs, the House is search'd from top to bottom, as tho' a Warrant for High-Treason was got into it. Mrs. Abigail has warning given her, and the Porter is turn'd out of doors. Every thing is in the greatest Confusion, and nothing but fear and sorrow appears upon every Countenance. The Footmen and Stablemen are dispatch'd, like Madmen, North, East, West, and South. The Trades-People, not immediately knowing the Occasion of this sudden Consternation, send from all Corners, and hope my Lord and Lady are well. Next Morning the Crier and the News-Papers go to work. My Lady sees no Company, forbears Plays and Operas, and every Room of the House looks as if a pestilential Distemper was raging in the Family.
Towards the close of the Evening, a Fellow in a Soldier's Coat, with the Dog very carefully wrapp'd up in one of the Lappets, is knocking at the Door. A Reprieve to a Malefactor the Morning of Execution, or the News of a rich Father's Death to an extravagant Heir, cannot be more welcome than two or three Yelps of the absent Animal shall be to all the Servants: Happy is that Servant who has the good fortune first to carry the glad Tidings to my Lady. The Fellow tells a long Story of his being at his Post in St. James's Park, and of his seeing the Dog under a Woman's Arm; and how he suspected her coming honestly by it, and what Fatigues and Difficulties he met with in wresting the poor Creature from her: How the Mob took part against him, and the risque he run of being sent to the Savoy; with twenty other Falsehoods, all which are greedily swallowed: Every Face, with Tears of Joy, standing with great Faith and Patience to hear his impudent Narration of the great Dangers that the poor little Creature and himself had escaped. The Thief receives the Reward, with perhaps a Guinea over, and goes away loaded with Applauses and Blessings, for restoring Peace and Tranquillity in the Family.
The Dogs that belong to private Families, and Shopkeepers, the proper time for setting them is generally soon after Seven in the Morning, when the Maid neglects her Entry and the Stairs for a Conversation with the Baker's Journeyman, or her Master's Prentice; and a general Tête-a-Tête of all the Mops and Brooms in the Neighbourhood is going forward; and a Sash Window, or a Street Door left carelesly open, whereby an opportunity is given for Tray to be trick'd out of House and Home by a bit of Meat, that is generally shewn him as a Bait for that purpose. Half a Guinea for bringing him home is repeated three or four times in the Advertisements, and then a Guinea once or twice more; so that about Forty Shillings must be expended, before the poor Fool shall be put into statu quo.
In the Evening, when the Ladies are going to make their Visits, their pretty Favourites are too apt to follow them from the Parlour to the Street Door; and if their Guardians and Trustees are not sufficiently upon the watch, a Person under pretence of wanting Alms, shall not only mump Money, but carry off their Ward into the bargain.
When Service is over at the Churches and Meeting-Houses on a Sunday, we find a great many Hands at work plying the Doors and Avenues; in hopes of picking up now and then one of these straggling Gentry: For there are very staunch Church-Folks, as well as rigid Presbyterians of this Species; and I have seen some of them, whose Zeal has transported them so far, as to render themselves liable to the Penalty of Twenty Pounds, in disturbing a Preacher by loudly snarling at him, when they have been pleased not to approve of his Countenance or Doctrine.