The Tricks of the Town: or, Ways and Means of getting Money

by active 1732 John Thomson

The Quakers may entertain a great many of them at their Habitations, but I believe, have few or none that can be truly said to be of their Persuasion; for I could never learn that any were ever affected with their Principles, and much less frequented their Places of Religious Worship.

Those honest City-Tradesmen and others, who so lovingly carry their Wives and Mistresses to the neighbouring Villages in Chaises to regale them on a Sunday, are seldom sensible of the great Inconveniences and Dangers they are exposed to: for besides the common Accidents of the Road, there are a Set of regular Rogues kept constantly in Pay to incommode them in their Passage; and these are the Drivers of what are called Waiting Jobbs, and other Hackney Travelling-Coaches with Sets of Horses, who are commissioned by their Masters to annoy, sink, and destroy all the single and double Horse-Chaises they can conveniently meet with, or overtake in their Way, without regard to the Lives or Limbs of the Persons who travel in them. What Havock these industrious Sons of Blood and Wounds have made within twenty Miles of London in the Compass of a Summer's Season, is best known by the Articles of Accidents in the common News-Papers: The miserable Shrieks of Women and Children not being sufficient to deter the Villains from doing what they call their Duty to their Masters; for besides their Daily or Weekly Wages, they have an extraordinary stated Allowance for every Chaise they can reverse, ditch, or bring by the Road, as the Term or Phrase is.

I heard a Fellow, who drove a hired Coach and four Horses, give a long Detail of a hard Chace he gave last Summer to a Two-Horse Chaise, which was going with a Gentleman and three Ladies to Windsor. He said he first came in view of the Chaise at Knights-Bridge, and there put on hard after it to Kensington; but that being drawn by a Pair of good Cattle, and the Gentleman in the Seat pretty expert at driving, they made the Town before him; and there stopping at a Tavern-Door to take a Glass of Wine, he halted also, and whistled for his Horses to stale: but the Chaise not yet coming on, he affected another Delay, by pretending that one of his Horses had taken up a Stone, and so dismounting, as if to search, lay by, till the Enemy had passed him; that then they kept a Trot on together to Turnham-Green, when the People suspecting his Design again, put on: that he then whipp'd after them for dear Blood, thinking to have done their Business between that Place and Brentford. But here he was again disappointed, for the two Horses still kept their Courage, till they came between Longford and Colnbrook, where he plainly perceived 'em begin to droop or knock up, and found he had then a sure Game on't. He went on leisurely after them, till both Parties came into a narrow Lane, where there was no Possibility of an Escape, when he gave his Horses a sudden Jerk, and came with such Violence upon the People, that he pull'd their Machine quite over. He said, the Cries of the Women were so loud that the B—ches might be heard to his Master's Yard in Piccadilly; that there being no-body near to assist the People, he got clear off with two or three blind old Women his Passengers some Miles beyond Maidenhead, safe both from Pursuit and Evidence.

I have been credibly informed, that many of the Coachmen and Postillions belonging to the Quality are seduced by the Masters of the Travelling-Coaches to involve themselves in the Guilt of this monstrous Enormity, and have certain Fees for dismounting Persons on single Horses, and over-turning Chaises, when it shall suit with their Convenience to do it with Safety, (that is, within the Verge of the Law;) and in case of an Action or Indictment, if the Master or Mistress will not stand by their Servant, and believe the Mischief was merely accidental, the Offender is then defended by a general Contribution from all the Stage-Coach Masters within the Bills of Mortality.

Those Hackney-Gentlemen who drive about the City and Suburbs of London, have by their over-grown Insolence obliged the Government to take notice of them, and make Laws for their Regulation; and as there are Commissioners for receiving the Tax they pay to the Publick, so those Commissioners have Power to hear and determine between the Drivers and their Passengers upon any Abuse that happens: and yet these ordinary Coachmen abate very little of their abusive Conduct, but not only impose in Price upon those that hire them, but refuse to go this or that way as they are call'd: whereas the Law obliges them to go wherever they are legally required, and at reasonable Hours. This Treatment, and the particular saucy impudent Behaviour of the Coachmen in demanding t'other Twelver or Tester above their Fare, has been the occasion of innumerable Quarrels, Fighting and Abuses; affronting Gentlemen; frighting and insulting Women; and such Rudenesses, that no civil Government will, or indeed ought to suffer; and above all, has been the occasion of the killing several Coachmen by Gentlemen that have been provoked by the villainous Tongues of those Fellows beyond the Extent of their Patience. Their intolerable Behaviour has rendered them so contemptible and odious in the Eyes of all Degrees of People whatever, that there is more Joy seen for one Hackney-Coachman's going to the Gallows, than for a Dozen Highway-men and Street-Robbers.

The Driver of a Hackney-Coach having the Misfortune to break a Leg and an Arm by a Fall from his Box, was rendred incapable of following that Business any longer; and therefore posted himself at the Corner of one of the principal Avenues leading to Covent-Garden with his Limbs bound up to the most advantageous Manner to move the Passengers to Commiseration. He told his deplorable Case to all, but all passed without Pity; and the Man must have inevitably perish'd, had it not come into his head to shift the Scene and his Situation. The Transition was easy, he whipt on a Leathern-Apron, and from a Coachman became a poor Joiner, with a Wife and four Children, that had broke his Limbs by a Fall from the Top of a House. Showers of Copper poured daily into his Hat, and in a few Years he became able to purchase many Figures, as well as Horses; and he is now Master of one of the most considerable Livery-Stables in London.

The next are the Watermen; and indeed the Insolence of these, though they are under some Limitations too, is yet such at this time, that it stands in greater need than any other of severe Laws, and those Laws being put in speedy execution. A few Months ago, one of these very People being Steers-man of a Passage-Boat between Queenhithe and Windsor, drowned fifteen People at one time; and when many of them begg'd of him to put them on Shore, or take down his Sails, he impudently mock'd them, ask'd some of the poor frighted Women, if they were afraid of going to the Devil; and bid them say their Prayers: then used a vulgar Water-Phrase which such Fellows have in their Mouths, Blow Devil, the more Wind the better Boat. A Man of a very considerable Substance perishing with the rest of the unfortunate Passengers, this Villain, who had saved himself by swimming, had the surprizing Impudence to go the next Morning to his Widow, who lived at Kingston upon Thames. The poor Woman, surrounded with a number of sorrowful Friends, was astonished to think what could be the occasion of the Fellow's coming to her; but thinking he was come to give some Account of her Husband's Body being found, at last she condescended to see him. After a scurvy Scrape or two, the Monster very modestly hoped his good Mistress would give him half a Crown to drink her Health, by way of Satisfaction for a Pair of Oars and a Sail he had lost the Night before, when he had drowned her Husband.

I have many times pass'd between London and Gravesend with these Fellows; when I have seen them, in spite of the shrieks and cries of the Women, and the persuasions of the Men-Passengers, and indeed, as if they were the more bold by how much the Passengers were the more afraid; I say, I have seen them run needless hazards, and go as it were within an Inch of Death, when they have been under no necessity of it: and if not in contempt of the Passengers, it has been in meer laziness, to avoid their rowing. And I have been sometimes oblig'd, especially when there have been more Men in the Boat of the same Mind, so that we have been strong enough for them, to threaten to cut their Throats, to make them hand their Sails, and keep under Shore, not to fright, as well as hazard the Lives of the Passengers, when there was no need of it. But I am satisfied, that the less frighted and timorous their Passengers are, the more cautious and careful the Watermen are, and the least apt to run into Danger. Whereas, if their Passengers appear frighted, then the Watermen grow saucy and audacious, show themselves venturous, and contemn the Dangers they are really expos'd to.

Set one Knave to catch another, is a proverbial Saying of great Antiquity and Repute in this Kingdom. Thus the vigilant Vintner, notwithstanding all his little Arts of base Brewings, abridging his Bottles, and connecting his Guests together, does not always reap the Fruits of his own Care and Industry. Few People being aware of the underhand Understandings and Petty-Partnerships these Sons of Benecarlo and Cyder have topp'd upon them; and the many other private Inconveniences that they, in the course of their Business, are subjected to. Now, to let my Readers into this great Arcanum or Secret, I must acquaint them, that nothing is more certain and frequent than for some of the principal Customers to a Tavern, to have a secret Allowance, by way of Drawback, of Six-pence or Seven-Pence, nay sometimes I have heard of Eight-pence, on every Bottle of Port-Wine that themselves shall drink, or cause to be drank in the House, and for which they have seemingly paid the full Price of two Shillings; and so are a sort of Vintners in Vizards, and Setters of Society. These are mostly sharping Shopkeepers, who, by being considerable Dealers, hold numbers of other inferiour Trades-people in a State of Dependency upon them; Officers of Parishes; old season'd Soakers, who by having serv'd an Age to Tippling, have contracted a boundless Acquaintance; House-Stewards; Clerks of Kitchens; Song-Singers; Horse-Racers; Valet de Chambres; Merry Story-Tellers, Attorneys and Sollicitors, with Legions of wrangling Clients always at their Elbows. Wherefore, as they have got the Lead upon a great part of Mankind, they are for ever establishing Clubs and Friendly-Societies at Taverns, and drawing to them every Soul they have any Dealings or Acquaintance with.

The young Fellows are mostly sure to be their Followers and Admirers, as esteeming it a great Favour to be admitted amongst their Seniors and Betters, thinking to learn to know the World and themselves. One constant Topick of Conversation, is the Civility of the People, the diligent Attendance, together with the Goodness of the Wines, and Cheapness of the Eatables; with a Side-wind Reflection on another House. And if at any time, when the Wine is complain'd of, it is answer'd with Peoples Palates are not at all times alike; my Landlord generally hath as good, or better, than any one in the Town. And oftentimes the poor innocent Bottle, or else the Cork, falls under a false and heavy Accusation.