In a Morning there is no passing thro' any part of the Town, without being Hemm'd and Yelp'd after by these Locusts from the Windows of Taverns, where they post themselves at the most convenient Views, to observe such Passengers as they have but the least knowledge of; and if a Person be in the greatest haste, going upon extraordinary Occasions, or not caring to vitiate his Palate before Dinner, and so attempts an Escape, then, like a Pack of Hounds, they join in full Cry after him, and the Landlord is detach'd upon his Dropsical Pedestals, or else a more nimble-footed Drawer is at your Heels, bawling out, Sir, Sir, 'tis your old Friend Mr. Swallow, who wants you upon particular Business.
The Sums which are expended daily by this Method, are realy surprizing. I knew a Clerk to a Vestry, a Half-pay Officer, a Chancery Sollicitor, and a broken Apothecary, that made a tolerable good Livelihood, by calling into a Tavern all their Friends that passed by the Window in this manner. Their Custom was to sit with a Quart of White-Port before them in a Morning; every Person they decoy'd into their Company for a Minute or two, never threw down less than his Six-pence, and few drank more than one Gill; and if two or three Glasses, he seldom came off with less than one Shilling. The Master of the House constantly provided them with a plain Dinner, gratis. All Dinner-time they kept their Room still, in full view of the Street, and so sate catching Gudgeons, (as they used to call it) from Morning till Night; when, besides amply filling their own Carcasses, and discharging the whole Reckoning, they seldom divided less than seven or eight Shillings a Man per Diem.
Some People, unacquainted with this Fellow-feeling at Taverns, often wonder how such a one does to hold it; that he spends a confounded deal of Money, is seldom out of a Tavern, and never in his Business: when, in reality, he is thus never out of his Business, and so helps to run away with the chief Profits of the House.
Nor are these all the Hardships many of the Vintners lie under; for besides, their Purses must too often stand a private Examination behind the Bar, when any of these sort of Customers Necessities shall require it.
'Tis such Dealings drive the poor Devils to all the little Shifts and Tricks imaginable. I went one day into a Tavern near Charing-Cross, to inquire after a Person whom I knew had once us'd the House: The Mistress being in the Bar, cry'd out, What an unfortunate thing it was, Mr. —— being that instant gone out of the House, and was surprized I did not meet him at the Door; but that he had left Word he expected a Gentleman to come to him, and would return immediately. I staid the sipping of two or three Half-pints, and begun to shew some uneasiness that he did not come according to her Expectation; when she again wonder'd at it, saying, it was just one of his Times of coming; for that he was a worthy good Gentleman, and constantly whetted four or five times in a Morning. At length, being out of all patience, I paid, and went to my Friend's House, about twenty Doors farther; where his Wife inform'd me, he had been gone about three Months before to Jamaica.
The Bankruptcies so frequently happening among the Sons of Bacchus, are doubtless to be attributed chiefly to such Leeches as I have been describing, lying so closely upon them; and then an innocent industrious Man is to be call'd forsworn Rogue, Villain, and what not; and to be told that he hath affected a Failure, to sink a dozen or fourteen Shillings in the Pound upon his Creditors, when, in reality, he hath not a single Shilling left in the World; and shall oftentimes be oblig'd to become a common Waiter to a more fortunate Fellow, and one perhaps too, that he once had thoughts of circumventing in his Business and Trade, by no other means, than a more humble and tractable Behaviour.
A Vintner, who has been look'd upon by all Mankind to have been a 20,000l. Man at least, hath died not worth Eighteen-pence; and then the poor Wretch has been worried to his Grave, with the Character of a private Whore-master or Gamester.
A few Years since Peter Dapper came into a naked and ruin'd Bawdy-House Tavern in the heart of the City; he resolv'd upon a thorough Reformation of its Customs and Manners, and when a Male and Female came in together, he order'd his Servants to shew them into the open Kitchen. He declar'd that he would make no difference or distinction in the Price of his Wines, but would be above-board with all Mankind. He redress'd the exorbitant Grievances of the Gridiron and the Spit, and protested his Heart and his Larder free and open to all that should vouchsafe to visit either. He invited all the single Mercers, Druggists, and Drapers, that lived within sight of his Bush, to eat a piece of Mutton with him every Day at Noon, and upon the removal of the Cloth, Peter proclaim'd a free general Indemnity and Oblivion for all the Mischief their Forks and Knives had done to two or three substantial Dishes that stood before them. By these, and other uncommon Acts of Generosity, he rais'd the Reputation of his House to a greater pitch than any other in the Neighbourhood, and reap'd the Fruits of his own Labours and Ingenuity. Peter, in a few Years, having laid hands on a good number of Acres, and got an Equipage about his Ears, has now very fairly turn'd his A—se upon all the Taverns in the Kingdom.
A certain great Banker, whose Name it is altogether needless to mention, (the Fact being too well known to many Peoples Misfortune) having by some indiscreet Management greatly hurt his Reputation, and several Stories of a suspicious nature, tending to depreciate his Character, being whisper'd about; which coming in time to his knowledge, he thought of a notable Device to prevent the Consequences that generally ensue on those occasions to Persons in his way of Life. His first step was to order Glaziers and Painters to new-ornament his House in the most genteel manner. He next hurried to the Pool, and order'd in about a hundred Chaldrons of Coals, tho' it was the warm Season of the Year. These Circumstances seem'd to demonstrate a Continuance in his House, and for three or four Days together, when the People came either to draw, or bring their Cash, their was scarce a possibility of getting into the Shop, for a number of dirty Fellows who were incessantly carrying Sacks of Coals on their Backs to the Cellars. The Stratagem succeeded even beyond expectation; the Creditors Apprehensions clear'd up, and one ridicul'd another for their foolish and ill-grounded Fears. The Run that was begun to be made, not only ceased, but numbers of Strangers now thought fit to constitute him the Custodé of their Fortunes; and the Man was look'd upon to be one of the most flourishing of his Business in the City, and his Credit equal to that of the Bank of England. This went on for about a Fortnight or three Weeks longer, when this pains-taking Tradesman thought fit to shut up his Shop, and rub off with 100,000l. of his Creditors Money to Antwerp.
Another time a young Fellow, with a pitiful Patrimony, open'd a Linnen-Draper's Shop in the heart of the City; his Stock was equal to his Fortune, and, like most raw unexperienc'd Persons, his Soul vastly bigger than both. Tho' he set out with great Ambition, he condescended to bow to all the Fair-Sex who pass'd his Door in Coaches or on Foot; his Success was humble, for he bowed to little purpose. Revolving Quarters, with Rent and Taxes, were his principal Customers. These, together with the apprehensions of his being soon named with other of his Majesty's loving Subjects in the London Gazette, gave him great Pain and Anxiety. One Morning he bless'd himself for a lucky Dog, having arose from his Pillow with the most happy Thought that had ever enter'd his Head. He call'd for Pen, Ink, and Paper, and enjoining his Journeyman Secrecy, went to his Compting-House, and drew up a Paper to the Effect following: viz. "Whereas there was, on the 10th Day of this Instant October, dropp'd in the Shop of Mr. Probity, Linnen-Draper, at the ...... in Cheapside, London, a green Silk Purse, in which was contain'd a large Rose Diamond Ring, a great number of pieces of Foreign Gold, together with sundry Notes, &c. of great value; whoever will apply to the said Mr. Probity, and prove their Property to the same, shall have it restor'd them, on paying only the Charge of this Advertisement."