"May I inquire," I said, saluting, "are you Mr. Goodintention, whose excellent article I have had the pleasure of reading in the Zealous Enlightener?"
"Not at all," he replied. "I am not a writer but a lawyer. But I know Goodintention very well. A quarter of an hour ago I passed him at the Police Bridge." In this way my respect for Russian letters cost me 80 kopecks of change, an official reprimand, and a narrow escape of arrest, and all in vain.
In spite of all the protest of my reason, the audacious thought of becoming a writer kept recurring. At last, unable longer to resist it, I made a thick copy book and resolved to fill it somehow. All kinds of poems (humble prose did not yet enter into my reckoning) were in turn considered and approved. I decided to write an epic furnished on Russian history. I was not long in finding a hero. I chose Rurik, and I set to work.
I had acquired a certain aptitude for rhymes, by copying those in manuscript which used to circulate among our officers, such as the criticism on the Moscow Boulevards, the Presnensky Ponds, and the Dangerous Neighbour. In spite of that my poem progressed slowly, and at the third verse I dropped it. I concluded that the epic was not my style, and began Rurik, a Tragedy. The tragedy halted. I turned it into a ballad, but the ballad hardly seemed to do. At last I had a happy thought. I began and succeeded in finishing an ode to a portrait of Rurik. Despite the inauspicious character of such a title, particularly for a young bard's first work, I yet felt that I had not been born a poet, and after this first attempt desisted. These essays in authorship gave me so great a taste for writing that I could now no longer abstain from paper and ink. I could descend to prose. But at first I wished to avoid the preliminary construction of a plot and the connection of parts. I resolved to write detached thoughts without any connection or order, just as they struck me. Unfortunately the thoughts would not come, and in the course of two whole days the only thought that struck me was the following:
He who disobeys reason and yields to the inclination of his passions often goes wrong and ends by repenting when it is too late.
This though no doubt true enough was not original.
Abandoning aphorism I took to tales; but being too unpractised in arranging incidents I selected such remarkable occurrences as I had heard of at various times and tried to ornament the truth by a lively style and the flowers of my own imagination. Composing these tales little by little, I formed my style and learnt to express myself correctly, pleasantly, and freely. My stock was soon exhausted, and I again began to seek a subject.
To abandon these childish anecdotes of doubtful authenticity, and narrate real and great events instead, was an idea by which I had long been haunted.
To be the judge, the observer, and the prophet of ages and of peoples seemed to me a most attainable object of ambition to a writer. What history could I write—I with my pitiable education? Where was I not forestalled by highly cultivated and conscientious men? What history had they left unexhausted. Should I write a universal history? But was there not already the immortal work of Abbé Millot. A national history of Russia, what could I say after Tatishtcheff Bolitin and Golikoff? And was it for me to burrow amongst records and to penetrate the occult meaning of a dead language—for me who could never master the Slavonian alphabet? Why not try a history on a smaller scale?—for instance, the history of our town! But even here how very numerous and insuperable seemed the obstacles—a journey to the town, a visit to the governor and the bishop, permission to examine the archives, the monastery, the cellars, and so on. The history of our town would have been easier; but it could interest neither the philosopher nor the artist, and afford but little opening for eloquence. The only noteworthy record in its annals relates to a terrible fire ten years ago which burnt the bazaar and the courts of justice. An accident settled my doubts. A woman hanging linen in a loft found an old basket full of shavings, dust, and books. The whole household knew my passion for reading. My housekeeper while I sat over my paper gnawing my pen and meditating on the experience of country prophets entered triumphantly dragging a basket into my room, and bringing joyfully "books! books!"