“I have done nothing else but ask you!” he cried.
“You are mistaken,” I said, and with truth. “You did not ask me to be your wife; you asked me if I could love you as a husband.”
“And you said ‘No.’ Such a No!”
“I meant it.”
“You are the greatest puzzle I have ever come across,” he said, almost angrily. “I know you mean to speak the truth. But one moment you tell me decidedly, in a manner that admits of no doubt, no hope, that you cannot love me as a husband, and the next you say extravagant things about me—that I am a god among men—things which would be insults from any lips but yours. What am I to think? Both cannot be true.”
“Both things are true,” I said. “I cannot love you as, for instance, Mrs. Mervyn loves her husband. She doesn’t mind much where he is. She is quite contented to stay with me while he is at the Vicarage. But the woman who marries you will weary her heart out all the time you are away from her; or, perhaps, you might find a girl who would not. I can only speak for myself. If you love yourself, and I suppose you do—everyone does, more or less—save yourself from me! I cannot love you unselfishly. I should be a burden to you; you would get to hate me.”
He took my hands, then took me in his arms—like you used to, father, when you said “Good-night”—and he said to me:
“I should prefer to risk hating you, then. Lilia, let us talk sense. You are mine—doubly mine, as your father’s dying gift—I am yours. Only listen to my advice as you listened to his, and we shall be happy in life and death.”
Already, under his influence, I began to see things in a different light. What a fool I am! Oh, dear father, what a great, grand thing your patience with me has been!
We have talked over everything. He is resolved to let no consideration interfere with his working out of whatever talent he has. So for six months or so, until he has passed certain important examinations, he will work hard in London, and I shall see but little of him. Mr. and Mrs. Mervyn will live here; and for the present the Vicarage will be shut up.