December the 3rd, being Sunday, I began my journey from Bilbao, with the body of my dear husband, all my children, and all my family but three, whom I left to come with my goods by sea. The 7th of October, we came to Bayonne, in France, having had a dangerous passage between Spain and France. October the 9th, we began our journey from Bayonne towards Paris, where we arrived the 30th of October, being Saturday.
November the 2nd, the Queen-Mother sent my Lady Guilford to condole my loss, and welcome me to Paris: many of her Majesty's family, of their own accord, did the same. On the 26th, her Majesty sent Mr. Church, in one of her coaches, to convey me to Chaillot, a nunnery, where the Queen then was, who received me with great grace and favour, and promised me much kindness, when her Majesty returned to England. Her Majesty sent by me letters to the King, Queen, Duke and Duchess of York, with a box of writings for her Majesty's Secretary, Sir John Winter.
November the 11th, we began our journey towards Calais; and upon the 11th of November, old style, we embarked at Calais in a little French man-of-war, which carried me to the Tower Wharf, where I landed the next day, at night, being Monday, at twelve of the clock. I made a little stay with my children at my father's house, on Tower-hill. The next day, being the 13th, we all went to my own house in Lincoln's-inn Fields, on the north side, where the widow Countess of Middlesex had lived before; and the same day, likewise, was brought the body of my dear husband.
On Saturday following, being the 16th of November 1666, I sent the body of my dear husband to be laid in my father's vault in Allhallows Church, in Hertford: none accompanied the hearse but seven of his own gentlemen, who had taken care of his body all the way from Madrid to London; being Mr. Fanshawe, Mr. Bagshawe, Mr. Cooper, Mr. Freyer, Mr. Creyton, Mr. Tarret, and Mr. Rooks.
On the 18th, my Lord Arlington visited me, proffering me his friendship, to be shown in the procuring of arrears of my husband's pay, which was two thousand pounds, and to reimburse me five thousand eight hundred and fifteen pounds my husband had laid out in his Majesty's service. Likewise I was visited to welcome me into England, and to condole my loss, by very many of the nobility and gentry, and also by all my relations in these parts.
November the 23rd, I waited on the King, and delivered to his Majesty my whole accounts. He was pleased to receive me very graciously, and promised me they should be paid, and likewise that his Majesty would take care of me and mine. Then I delivered his Majesty the letters I brought from the Queen-Mother; then I did my duty to the Queen, who with great sense condoled my loss, after which I delivered the Queen- Mother's letter sent to her Majesty by me. After staying two hours longer in her Majesty's bed-chamber, I waited on his Royal Highness, who having condoled me on the loss of my dear husband, promised me a ship to send for my goods and servants to Bilbao; then I waited on the Duchess, who with great grace and favour received me, and having been with her Highness about an hour, and delivered a letter from the Queen-Mother, I took my leave. I presented the King, Queen, Duke of York, and Duke of Cambridge, with two dozen of amber skins, and six dozen of gloves. I likewise presented my Lord Arlington with amber skins, gloves and chocolate, and a great picture, a copy of Titian's, to the value of one hundred pounds; and I made presents to Sir William Coventry, and several other persons then in office.
In February, the Duke ordered me the Victory frigate, to bring the remainder of my goods and people from Bilbao, in Spain, which safely arrived in the latter end of March 1667. I spent my time much in soliciting and petitioning my Lord Treasurer Southampton, for the present dispatch of my accounts, which did pass the Secretary, then Lord Arlington, and within two months I got a privy seal for my money, without either fee or present, which I could never fasten on my Lord. Now I thought myself happy, and feared nothing less than further trouble. God, that only knows what is to come, so disposed my fortune, that losing that good man and friend, Lord Southampton, my money, which was five thousand six hundred pounds, was not paid me until December 1669, notwithstanding I had tallies for the money above two years before. This was above two thousand pounds loss to me. Besides, these commissioners, by the instigation of one of their fellow commissioners, my Lord Shaftesbury, the worst of men, persuaded them that I might pay for the Embassy plate, which I did, two thousand pounds; and so maliciously did he oppress me, as if he hoped in me to destroy that whole stock of honesty and innocence which he mortally hates. In this great distress I had no remedy but patience: how far that was from a reward, judge ye, for near thirty years' suffering by land and sea, and the hazard of our lives over and over, with the many services of your father, and the expense of all the monies we could procure, and seven years' imprisonment, with the death and beggary of many eminent persons of our family, who when they first entered the King's service, had great and clear estates. Add to this the careful management of the King's honour in the Spanish Court, after my husband's death, which I thought myself bound to maintain, although I had not, God is my witness, above twenty-five doubloons by me at my husband's death, to bring home a family of three score servants, but was forced to sell one thousand pounds' worth of our own plate, and to spend the Queen's present of two thousand doubloons in my journey to England, not owing nor leaving one shilling debt in Spain, I thank God, nor did my husband leave any debt at home, which every Ambassador cannot say. Neither did these circumstances following prevail to mend my condition, much less found I that compassion I expected upon the view of myself, that had lost at once my husband, and fortune in him, with my son but twelve months old in my arms, four daughters, the eldest but thirteen years of age, with the body of my dear husband daily in my sight for near six months together, and a distressed family, all to be by me in honour and honesty provided for, and to add to my afflictions, neither persons sent to conduct me, nor pass, nor ship, nor money to carry me one thousand miles, but some few letters of compliment from the chief ministers, bidding, 'God help me!' as they do to beggars, and they might have added, 'they had nothing for me,' with great truth. But God did hear, and see, and help me, and brought my soul out of trouble; and by his blessed providence, I and you live, move, and have our being, and I humbly pray God that that blessed providence may ever supply our wants. Amen.
Seeing what I had to trust to, I began to shape my life as well as I could to my fortune, in order whereunto I dismissed all my family but some few persons. At my arrival I gave them all mourning, and five pounds apiece, and put most of them into a good way of living, I thank God.
In 1667, I took a house in Holborn-row, Lincoln's-inn Fields, for twenty-one years, of Mr. Cole. This year I christened a daughter of Lord Fanshawe's. Here, in this year, I only spent my time in lament and dear remembrances of my past happiness and fortune; and though I had great graces and favours from the King and Queen, and whole Court, yet I found at the present no remedy. I often reflected how many miscarriages and errors the fall from that happy estate I had been in would throw me; and as it is hard for the rider to quit his horse in a full career, so I found myself at a loss, that hindered my settling myself in a narrow compass suddenly, though my narrow fortune required it; but I resolved to hold me fast by God, until I could digest, in some measure, my afflictions. Sometimes I thought to quit the world as a sacrifice to your father's memory, and to shut myself up in a house for ever from all people; but upon the consideration of my children, who were all young and unprovided for, being wholly left to my care and disposal, I resolved to suffer, as long as it pleased God, the storms and flows of fortune.
As soon as I got my tallies placed again by the Commissioners, I sold
them for five hundred pounds less than my assignments to Alderman
Buckwell, who gave me ready money, and I put it out upon a mortgage of
Sir Richard Ayloff's estate, in Essex, at Braxted.