And he still didn't want to. He loved his Family too much to want to leave them, particularly when it would mean he'd no longer be able to love them. But as Jim had made him work out for himself, he could do them a lot more good in the upcoming war by leaving to take a high Imperial position than he could by staying. Dear God, but the prospect hurt, though!
He sighed again. For the first time in his career, he was reluctant to act on a decision as soon as he made it. This was the first one that would bring about major changes in his essential self, and that prospect frightened him. Even Shayan's mental surgery hadn't changed what he was; it had only given him a couple of new abilities—very minor ones, from what he'd read of Talent.
The memory of that surgery didn't help, either. Even though Shayan had assured him it could've been done painlessly and in seconds, he couldn't shake the association of mental changes with agonizing, prolonged pain and violation. As he'd told Sara, though, if someone needed his help as badly as she had, he didn't have any choice but to try giving it, even though he wasn't sure he could endure such surgery again.
That lack of choice was even more emphatic since the ones needing his help included his Family. He had to submit to that surgery, endure it to the best of his ability, and pray he'd have the strength to survive it.
Live or die, he thought grimly, he'd be losing those he deeply loved—and he wasn't sure whether he should indulge himself, tell them all goodbye, or if it would be better to just go ahead and do it. That decision could wait, though; he didn't want it to be obvious he hadn't slept or—yet—that he was bracing himself to leave. He had just about time to clean up and say Mass before he'd have to go in to breakfast.
Odeon removed his stole and kissed it, then folded it and put it in his tunic pocket. Saying Mass had helped more than he'd expected; he was feeling somewhere between resigned and serene when he went to the dining room for breakfast. He'd also decided or been guided, he wasn't sure, that since he was going to go, he might as well get it over with. Brief goodbyes after breakfast, then ask the Protector to make the necessary changes.
Fortunately for his peace of mind, he thought, the children weren't there—maybe deliberately, because the Family's expressions told him they knew something was going on. And, to his surprise, the new Protector was sitting between Joanie and Jim, his plate holding more food than Odeon would've thought reasonable for someone his size—if an Aspect of God had to eat at all. Still, Jeshua had …
As Odeon sat down and began filling his own plate, Keith chuckled. "As long as I'm in body," he said, "I do have to eat. And a Sandeman warrior has a pretty high metabolic rate, so I have to eat a lot. Yes, your Family knows what you've decided to do, and that you made that decision primarily to help them. They also know I won't hurt you in the slightest. We'll take care of it after breakfast, as you're thinking. All right?"
"As you will it, Lord."