The adventures of a black coat

by Anonymous

The address and deportment of this assumed military gentleman, continued Sable, did not at first discover to me any thing that resembled the gentility of an officer in the army, nor did his lodging correspond with such a character, therefore I imagined he was only in reality, like me a gentleman pro tempore.

The descendant of the ancient family of Fortune-Hunters, continued Sable, having conducted me again to my former lodging in Monmouth-Street, and a variety of brushes having been used upon me, like a Hackney-horse after a day’s journey, I remained some time without any remarkable adventure happening to me; at length, continued Sable, a member of Comus’s court, but better known by the significant appellation of a Choice Spirit, conducted me to a tavern in the Strand, where I found a number of gentlemen, and the better sort of tradesmen, assembled together, whom I soon learned were the members of a society that met once a week, and that this was their anniversary feast-day. It being in the morning, they were now met together to take a walk, or to spend the time in some amusement, that might best conduce to create an appetite, to enable them to do honour to the approaching entertainment. My companion singled out one, who from his broad sleek face, and rotundity of belly, seemed to have signalized himself at the destruction of many a feast, and by the jocular speeches of several of the members, together with his own expressions, boasting of his excellence in the masticating way, I was fully confirmed that his being so uncommonly well larded, was owing to his superior merit in the science of eating.

My conductor proposed a walk to this gentleman, but he objected to it, on account of the fatigue it would be to him, and that it might disorder his stomach, which he declared was in excellent order, but said he had no objection to take a little air up the river, and which he fancied, with now and then a glass of wine and bitters, they might carry with them, would strengthen his appetite; this proposal was accepted by my comrade, and two other gentlemen agreed to accompany them; accordingly at Somerset-stairs a boat was hired, and the watermen ordered to row them up to Putney.

During our voyage this son of Comus regaled the worthy disciples of Epicurus, with some gingerbread nuts he had brought with him, at first he refused to eat any, fearing he said they would damp his appetite, but my spark telling him, they were an excellent stomachic, and that there was a particular ingredient in them that was an enemy to every thing that clogged the stomach, he was prevailed upon to beguile the time with feeding on the appetite-creating gingerbread, which he did very plentifully, ever and anon diluting with a glass of wine and bitters. The last speech of my companion, together with his taking the nuts he himself ate, and those he gave the other two gentlemen, from a different pocket than that out of which he regaled the well-larded gentleman with, made me conclude the gingerbread teemed with some jest.

By the time we arrived at Putney, continued Sable, our fat companion had emptied the pocket of my humorous conductor, of all the stomachic gingerbread, declaring it was the best he had ever tasted. We landed at Putney, where we staid only to get a fresh cargo of wine, and them returned to the general rendezvous, where being arrived, and the champion come within sight of the table, that was by this time prepared ready for the guests, he said he believed he should make a very hearty dinner, for that though he had eat a large quantity of some excellent gingerbread nuts, yet he felt a kind of a gnawing in his stomach. Soon the feast was ushered in, and my companion guessing that it would not be long before the mine sprung, prudently retired to another part of the table to avoid the explosion.

The company being all seated, each helped himself to what he chose, and presently casting my eyes upon our companion and gingerbread-eater, I saw him labouring most furiously to bring down a pyramid of turbot he had raised upon his plate, at every other mouthful drinking a small glass of wine, saying, by that means he should be able to eat as much again; having accomplished the destruction of the first plate full, he had again heaped it to its former size, and by a vigorous attack, again threatened its downfall; but now the gingerbread I suppose, began to operate, for before he had destroyed one quarter of the plate full, he began to make strange faces, and twined his body about, as if he sat upon something that made him uneasy, which he continued for several minutes, at length a noise was heard to issue from his bowels, like the sound of distant thunder, and immediately starting from his chair, with great haste left the room, and so precipitate was his flight, that by his hasty rising, he overthrew one of his next neighbours, who endeavouring to save himself, pulled down a large bason of oyster sauce, that stood before him, which first falling upon his face, from thence had formed a rivulet down a crimson sattin waistcoat he had on.

By the time this unfortunate gentleman had wiped himself, Mr. Feastlove (that being the fat gentleman’s name) was returned, and having asked pardon of the company in general for his abrupt departure, and the gentleman whom he had thrown down in particular, for the damage done to him, he again sat down, declaring he was never taken so in all his life.—A clean plate being brought him, he once more fill’d it with turbot, and having drank two glasses of wine, began to give evident tokens of a perfect recovery, but by the time he had disposed of half of it, his countenance began to wax pale, and the contortions of his body declared he sat very uneasy, and the rumbling noise in his bowels soon after alarmed the company, and seemed to be the signal for a second flight, upon which the gentlemen who sat on each side of him moved as far from him as they could, lest in his retreat, he might again overturn one of them; however, he yet continued upon his chair frowning and eating; after drinking a glass of wine, the noise in his bowels increased, but yet he was loath to leave the feast, though he had laid down his knife and fork and sat grinning horridly upon his chair, with his hands upon each knee, as if he had really been in an action not decent to be mentioned; but fearing, I suppose, that worse would ensue, he angrily rose from his chair, and once more hasted out of the room, cursing and wondering as he went what could be the matter with him.

This second unwilling departure, created much mirth in the company, and gave birth to many jokes at the expence of the ill-fated champion. It was not long before he returned, and fixing his eyes upon my companion, swore he believed he had given him a dose of physic in the gingerbread, and with a stern countenance declared, if it really was so, he would resent it severely. My companion told him he had no reason to attribute his disorder to the nuts he had given him, for that he himself and two gentlemen then present had eat of them, and found no such effects; upon this the company was unanimous in opinion, that it must be owing to something else he had eat in the morning. Mr. Feastlove vowed that he had refrained from eating any thing that morning on account of the feast; every one then concluded the turbot did not agree with him, and Mr. Feastlove began to imagine that was the cause, therefore determined to try something else, and again sitting down, he filled a plate with ham and fowl, seeming determined to make up the time and loss he had suffered by the turbot, on those dishes. The quick dispatch he made with the legs and wings of a fowl and a slice of ham, now, assured the company that he was again restored to his usual health and vigour, and they congratulated him on his recovery. Mr. Feastlove said it was very surprising that turbot, which was a fish that he was extravagantly fond of, should serve him so now, particularly, and that he believed he should be able to make a tolerable dinner, but he had scarce devoured two thirds of the ham and fowl he had helped himself to, before he very gravely laid down his knife and fork, and with a mixture of sorrow and anger, protested he found the disorder was again coming upon him,—and in a few minutes the former convulsions of his face returned, which caused much mirth in the company, though they endeavoured to conceal it as much as possible.—He was now advised to drink a glass of wine made hot, which he did, and again seized his knife and fork, and was dissecting a fowl, but the hot wine, like a bason of water gruel, aiding the physic that was lodged in the gingerbread, caused such a ferment within him, that he seemed at a loss to tell which way it would operate upon him; sometimes it appeared as if he had a fit of the cholick, and by and by, as if he had taken a vomit, and just as two fine haunches of venison appeared smoaking before him, he rose from his chair, and cursing his guts, speeded down stairs.

This third retreat surprized the company much, though they did not seem to be very sorry, it being observed he could very well afford to lose what he did. The unhappy eater, of the appetite-creating nuts, continued Sable, being returned, he again vented his rage against the gingerbread, swearing nothing else could have affected him so, but my companion, and the two gentlemen who had likewise eat gingerbread (though indeed not out of the same pocket) being in good health, it was determined by the company, that it could not possibly be the cause.—Mr. Feastlove said he could not tell how it was, but he was sure he had taken physick that day, and swore it was a strong dose too;—and again sat down and swore a great oath, he would not leave the room again till he had fully dined, and though he had been forced from the turbot, and the ham and fowls, yet nothing should make him leave the venison, while he had power to force a bit down.—Thus resolved he fell most voraciously upon the haunches of venison, depriving them of two full pounds at least, which after heating over a lamp with currant jelly and other sauce, he began to send down to keep peace in his Corporation, and for a considerable time I concluded the venison would prevent any farther tumult;—but before one third had been dispatched to keep the rebellious powers in awe, an alarm was begun, and the noise of contention was heard again to rumble from within the globose belly of the afflicted hero, and in a few minutes the noise encreasing, declared the battle raged with great violence, but true to the cause, he scorned to be subdued.

A gentleman now recommended a glass of brandy to Mr. Feastlove, which he approving, he for a minute refrained from eating, and took off a large glass, and then fell too again, being determined, he said, to weather the storm, and the horrid faces he frequently made, and extraordinary motions of his body, declared he was very strongly summoned to depart the room again;—but soon the brandy, instead of putting an end to the intestine broil, made it ten times worse,—and just as he was opening his mouth to receive a small slice of venison, not larger than a moderate sized mutton chop, the gingerbread proved victorious, and drove fish, flesh and fowl, with other auxiliaries, out of the field of battle, and they lay in great disorder, scattered over the table, and endangered the eyes of the opposite gentlemen; nor was this all, for during this disaster, another party had forced open the Sally-port, and sought refuge in the breeches of the persevering hero.—The company now rose in great confusion, and a quantity of snuff was destroyed; those taking it now who perhaps never took any before. To conclude this terrible affair, the gingerbread-eater, after being pretty well recovered from this last unfortunate affair, was sent home some pounds lighter than he usually came from a feast.