A young lady, continued Sable, of a fine figure, next entered, and after answering the doctor the necessary questions, told him she wanted to know when she should be married—what sort of a man she should have—and how many children?—The doctor, after consulting the book of knowledge, told her, that it would be some time before she was married—and that she would marry an old baronet, whose title and estate she would deem a sufficient compensation, for the sacrifice of her youth and beauty, to age and infirmity;—and that she would have two daughters by him, both which would be born within a month after her marriage; and yet, adds he, your virtue will be unblemished.—Sir, says the lady, this is the most inconsistent piece of intelligence that I ever heard; I hope you don’t mean to affront me, adds the lady.—The doctor replied, that what he had related to her, was but the effect of his art; what is meant he declared was yet beyond his knowledge, but, pray Sir, says the lady, does your art inform you that I shall really have two daughters within a month after my marriage, and yet my virtue be unblemished.—Madam, says the doctor, it is really as I have related, but I will take some pains to unravel the mystery—upon which he began to make a number of strange figures, and the result of his enquiry, he told the lady, was, that she would certainly have two daughters within the time he had mentioned, the eldest of whom, he said, would be born very soon after her marriage, and the other within a month after;—you will be very happy, madam, says he, in the first, for your husband will spare nothing that his estate, which will not be very small, can administer for its gratification; nor will you, madam, set any bounds to your inclinations to support and cherish it.—But you will not be so happy, says he, in your other daughter, for she will be of an insatiable disposition, and your husband will do all in his power to satisfy it, but all his endeavours will only serve to increase its desires.—The lady declared she could not possibly understand him, and desired if he could explain himself that he would.—The doctor answered, what he had told her he was convinced would come to pass, and that her first daughter’s name would be Pride, and the other Lust.—Upon this the lady flew out of the room, saying,—he might repent this treatment.
A little old gentleman with a white wig and rosy face, next entered our temple, and addressing himself to the doctor, told him, that though he had never placed any confidence in oracles, yet the fame of his great skill in astrology, made him resolve to throw away five shillings and half an hour, in consulting him in a thing he should be glad to know.—The doctor told him he would resolve him in the best manner his art would admit. The old gentleman said, that he had for many years been saving every thing he could, scarce allowing himself the necessaries of life, that he might leave a fortune to his son, sufficient to raise a name; and though he had been stigmatised by many people, with not having acquired the fortune he had by the fairest means, yet he believed he had always kept within the letter of the law; but, Sir, continues he, if I live six months longer, I shall be able to leave my son fifty thousand pounds; therefore, I should be glad to know what course he will take, and whether he will be much on the Exchange, as I have been.—The doctor told him, his son would follow Newmarket course, where, says he, he will exchange the greatest part of his fortune, for the qualities of a jockey, and by the time he is five and twenty, will exchange his liberty for a prison, where, continues he, he will exchange this life for another.—The old gentleman was preparing to remonstrate against the decree of the stars, but was prevented by the knocking of another visiter at the door, and he was conducted down the back stairs, complaining all the way of the partiality of fate in the unjust distribution of his fortune, and in preventing him from being the first stone in the foundation of a family.
The violent knocking at the door which occasioned the sudden dismission of the old gentleman, continued Sable, was the impatience of a lady, whose dress and appearance bespoke she was of quality; she was a tall fine figure, and her face exquisitely beautiful; her eyes were full of levity, and declared the looseness of her soul:—On her entrance she told the doctor, one of his shop bills had been left at her house, and that she had heard many people speak of his great knowledge, which induced her to wait upon him.—The doctor politely acknowledged the honour she did him, and ushered her to a seat.—Mr. what’s your name—says this lady, I have been almost frighted to death these two days, by the loss of a pocket book, which I am afraid has been found by a certain person, therefore I desire you will tell me where it is, and how I may recover it.—The doctor, after having calculated the lady’s nativity, and applied to his book, told her, a servant to a gentleman she had visited, had found it in his master’s bed-chamber, and that he and several of his companions were at that time sat down to examine the contents of it.—The lady said she was glad it had not fallen into the hands of the person she was apprehensive of, but desired to know if he could tell her whether there was a small book of ivory leaves in it or not? The doctor told her, he would let her know the whole contents in a few minutes.—Upon which he began to make a great variety of incomprehensible figures, and in the conclusion told the lady, in one of the pockets there was a paper of carmine, and several sorts of powders, in the second, there was a small lock of flaxen-coloured hair inclosed in a letter, which was dated from the Temple, and contained passionate expressions of the most tender love and eternal constancy, with an acknowledgement of favours in the most delicate terms.—The lady told the doctor there was no necessity for his being very particular, the doctor proceeding said, there was a picture in miniature of an officer, concealed under a pocket looking-glass, with several tender billet-doux addressed to Amaryllis, which had been slipt into her ladyship’s hand; in the same pocket, continues he, there is a miniature of a certain nobleman which was given to your ladyship upon your marriage; well, hang the picture and the original too, says the lady, is the book with the ivory leaves there? I shall inform your ladyship presently, replies the doctor:—In another pocket, there is a collection of curious pictures in India paper, given to your ladyship by the gentleman who gave your ladyship the lock of hair, and artfully concealed in a small almanack book:—Here the lady blushed and told the doctor, she desired only to know if the book she mentioned was there.—The doctor begged a moment’s patience;—in a private pocket, continues he, there is a small viol of red liquor, and in another private pocket, there is a number of appointments to meet in a wood in Kensington gardens, and various other places, and a small book of ivory leaves, containing a short account of the art of intriguing, with a select number of extraordinary good excuses in case of suspicion, and some excellent salvos for palpable discoveries, wrote by your ladyship’s own hand, and which is the book, I presume, says the doctor, your ladyship enquired so particularly for.—It is, answered the lady, and now pray, says she, inform me how I can get it back again.—The doctor answered, he believed if her ladyship would advertise it with a handsome reward she might recover it; the lady declared she would give any thing for it, and putting two guineas into the doctor’s hand, said she hoped she might rely upon his secrecy; the doctor assured her she might, and then conducted her to a hackney coach waiting at the door for her.
The next who came to consult the keeper of the book of knowledge, continued Sable, was a young lady of a most engaging countenance, her natural air and the taste of her dress, seemed to vie with each other, in rendering her an object of love,—if it was possible for envy to have fixed upon any thing that seemed imperfect, it must have been rather too much levity, which her eyes expressed. This young lady having informed the doctor, what he required to know, she told him she had three lovers, who made their addresses to her; one, she said, was a gentleman of the law, another was a lieutenant in the army, and the third a gentleman of no profession, and desired to know which of them she should have; the doctor having consulted his book, told her she should marry neither of them; the young lady was a good deal surprized, and desired if she should have neither of them,—to know who else would be her lot.—I find, miss, says the doctor, you will have several offers from tradesmen, whom you will reject; for though you have no fortune, yet you will adhere to your darling hopes of marrying a gentleman, but you will be deceived in your expectations. I have always been told, says the lady, by people of your profession, and that by more than one, that I should be marryed to a gentleman.—Those who have told you so, replies the doctor, deceived you; they have injured many young people, adds he, by flattering the passions of the credulous, which has influenced the conduct of weak people, and laid the foundation of their ruin.—Sir, says the lady, I believe it is a maxim amongst Fortune-tellers, to speak ill of every one in the profession besides themselves, but Sir, adds she, you have not told me who I am to marry.—It is out of my power, madam, says the doctor, for though I can frequently see you a Votress at the altar of Love, yet I cannot find that you will ever enter the Hymeneal Temple.—I must confess, says the lady, you are the most discouraging foreteller of events that I ever met with, and I have had my fortune told me by Cards, Coffee-grounds, by inspecting the lines of my hand, and by the Man in the Old Bailey, and have always been told that I should marry a handsome black gentleman, nay, how many children I should have, and that I should be very prosperous, and end my days in a large handsome house. My art deceives me greatly, replies the doctor, if there is any truth in any of these things, except indeed, that you will end your days in a large handsome house. What, you do agree with him in that! says the lady, I should be vastly glad if you can tell me whereabout it is situated; the doctor, after having taken some time in ascertaining the Geography, told her, he could not tell her any other way, than by sketching out the appearance of it; and in a few minutes told her, if she would look upon a paper he shewed her, she might probably know it;—the young lady was very eager to behold the plan of the mansion that she was to conclude her life in, and perusing it attentively, I saw her cheeks glow with indignation, and throwing the paper down, left the room, pronouncing as she went—an Hospital indeed!
The first appearance of this young lady, says Sable, revived in me the sensations of my youth, and I must confess my heart was greatly interested in her fate; but the information of the doctor filled me with great anxiety, though I hope his presages will prove his knowledge not infallible.
A lady far declined in the vale of years, next entered to consult the stars: The fame of your great knowledge in the mysteries of fate, says this antiquated lady, hath made me resolve to wait upon you in an affair that concerns me very nearly: The doctor assured her, that as far as his knowledge extended, he would answer any thing she was desirous of knowing: Sir, says the lady, I have a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, and am yet a virgin; but, adds she, I have thoroughly considered the design and end of marriage, and am now convinced that it is an institution calculated for the mutual benefit of both sexes. The scripture too, continues she, instructs us to associate together for the procreation of our species, and therefore I am now resolved to comply with the dictates of the divine law and the call of nature—(I must confess, says Sable, I was a good deal surprized to hear a woman, who seemed to be not far distant from what is called the grand climacterick of her age, talk of the procreation of her species in this manner, and of her resolution to follow the call of nature) Your sentiments, madam, says the doctor, are certainly right, and I have chosen, says this wrinkled old lady a proper young Gentleman to partake of conjugal felicity with me, and by whom I may fulfil the divine command: Undoubtedly, madam, says the doctor, a young man is more proper for such cases than a man of your own years: I think so indeed, Sir, says the lady, though I believe I should have children by almost any man; for I am of a very fruitful family, nor am I, continued she, so old as perhaps you may imagine me;—but, Sir, says she, my business with you, is to know whether I shall receive any ill treatment from him, how many children I shall have, and whether my intentions will be thoroughly answered by marrying this young gentleman, for I am resolved upon that, and the marriage writings are bespoke. Madam, says the doctor, I will resolve you presently; upon which he turned to his book, and after casting the necessary figures for information, told the lady, she might depend upon receiving no male-treatment from her intended spouse: that all her reasonable expectations would be answered, such as having the credit of one of the handsomest men in town for her husband, keep what company she pleased, go where she pleased; and in short, do what she pleased, as she did before marriage, for that her husband would never trouble her about any thing:—But, Sir, says the lady, you don’t speak of the other comforts I should expect, and which was my chief design in marriage.—All the other comforts of marriage, Madam, says the doctor; you will receive by Proxy.—Proxy, Sir! says the lady, what do you mean? Why, madam, replies the doctor, you will enjoy your husband’s company, at bed and board by Proxy, bear children by Proxy: Don’t tell me, Sir, interrupted this ancient virgin, of bearing children by Proxy, I look upon myself as capable of bearing Children as any young girl whatever, and assure you, Sir, I shall not desire any one to bear them for me, and so, Sir, your servant, and immediately hobbled down stairs repeating frequently as she went, the word Proxy.
And now, my son, continues Sable, to his gay companion, I believe I have related to you all the occurrences, that are worthy your attention, during my stay with this fortune-teller; were I to give you a detail of every particular person’s desire, whose simplicity or curiosity brought them to our nocturnal temple, it would take up more time than I fear I have to continue with you, nor would it be either entertaining or instructive to you, but rather the vast numbers of people, of all ranks, who came to enquire how far they and their trivial concerns were the peculiar care of the stars, would create in you a mean opinion of the wisdom of the inhabitants of this town.—The truth is, continued Sable, the particular disposition of the people of this metropolis, to credit the most absurd and impossible performances, when undertaken by Foreigners, is one of their chief characteristicks; and the preference and encouragement given to Foreigners of all denominations, who come here, as to the Land of Promise, to seek their fortunes, enables them to return and purchase estates in their own country, whose produce is equal to the revenue of many Princes; and I have heard it said, that there is at this day, a most superb and magnificent house, or rather palace, in Italy, which was built by a famous eunuch, who resided here some time; on which he has wrote on several conspicuous places, ENGLISH FOLLY.—You will naturally ask, says Sable, what the excellence of these strollers consists in;—in an exceeding acute taste, continues he, in the choice of the most debilitating pleasures, that can render the mind mean and contemptible; and as there are always people who make a business of pleasure, these panders are at hand, ready to administer to them, the fruits of their knowledge; so that, continues Sable, those who for half a score of years, have been under tutors, beginning to restrain the power of their passions, are in a few months deprived of the benefits they have paid so dearly for, both in time and money; and by listening to these purveyors of pleasure, give themselves up to every ignoble gratification, that can debase the mind, or corrupt their sentiments.
Sable having indulged himself in exposing the ill consequences that result from the extraordinary encouragement Foreigners receive to export themselves among us, thus continued his narration.
The retailer of the events of fortune, resumed Sable, having exhausted all his stock of knowledge, and the limited time of his continuance in this metropolis being expired, he disposed of the utensils belonging to his profession, such as a beard of a most reverend length, a pair of globes, magic wand, &c. &c. &c. to the manager of a strolling company, to equip serjeant Kite for an Ægyptian astrologer; but I was disposed of to an old cloaths-man, the manager refusing me, saying he had already in his wardrobe, a Black Coat for an Undertaker, Apothecary or Parson.
The dealer in left-off cloaths, resumed Sable, having deposited the consideration which was exchanged for me, shifted me into his green bag, and marched with me again to my old neighbourhood of St. Giles; where I was no sooner arrived, than I began to experience the torment of the brushes, and remained twenty-four hours, stretched upon the rack, and then was delivered over to a botcher, to repair the fractured fibres which the press had forced asunder. My old preservative the nap, having like a faithless friend, abandoned me, when I stood most in need of assistance. My owner having thus furbished me up, I was conducted into the shop, and hung among the better sort of second-hand gentlemen.