On Friday morning the old woman came just when I was dressing myself, and laying out the finest clothes I had; I do not ask you, says she, how you do; what you are about is intimation enough of your health; but will you not bathe before you go to the first cadi's house? That will take up too much time, said I; I will content myself with calling a barber to get my head and beard shaved. Presently I ordered one of my slaves to call a barber that could do his business cleverly and expeditiously. The slave brought me this wretch you see here, who came in, and after saluting me, Sir, said he, you look as if you were not very well. I told him I was just recovered from a fit of sickness: I wish, said he, God may deliver you from all mischance; may his grace always go along with you. I hope, said I, he will grant your wish, for which I am very much obliged to you. Since you are recovering, said he, I pray God preserve your health; but now pray let us know what service I am to do; I have brought my razors and my lancets; do you desire to be shaved or to be bled? I replied, I am just recovered of a fit of sickness, and so you may readily judge I only want to be shaved: come, make haste, do not lose time in prattling, for I am in haste, and precisely at noon must be at a certain place.
The barber spent much time in opening his case, and preparing his razors: instead of putting water into the bason, he took a very handsome astrolabe out of his budget, and went very gravely out of my room to the middle of the yard to take the height of the sun; then he returned with the same grave pace, and, entering my room, Sir, said he, you will be pleased to know this day is Friday the 18th of the month Saffar, in the year 653, [Footnote: This year 653 is one of the Hegira, the common epocha of the Mahometans, and answers to the year 1255, from the nativity of Christ; from whence we may conjecture that these computations were made in Arabia about that time.] from the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in the year 7320 [Footnote: As for the year 7320, the author is mistaken in that computation. The year 653 of the Hegira, and the 1255 of Christ, coincide only with the 1557 of the aera or the epocha of the Selucides, which is the same with that of Alexander the Great, who is called Iskender with two horns, according to the expression of the Arabians.] of the epocha of the great Iskender with two horns; and that the conjunction of Mars and Mercury signifies you cannot choose a better time than this very day for being shaved. But, on the other hand, the same conjunction is a bad presage to you. I learn from thence, that this day you run a great risk, not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience which will attend you while you live. You are obliged to me for the advice I now give you to take care to avoid it; I should be sorry if it befel you.
You may guess, gentlemen, how sorry I was for having fallen into the hands of such a prattling impertinent barber; what an unseasonable adventure it was for a lover preparing for an interview! I was quite angry. I do not trouble my head, said I, in anger, with your advice and predictions, nor did I call you to consult your astrology; you came here to shave me, so pray do it, or be gone, and I will call another barber. Sir, said he, with a dulness that put me out of all patience, what reason have you to be angry with me? You do not know that all barbers are not like me, and that you could scarcely find such another, if you made it your business to search. You only sent for a barber: but here, in my person, you have the best barber in Bagdad; an experienced physician, a very profound chemist, an infallible astrologer, a finished grammarian, a complete orator, a subtle logician, a mathematician perfectly conversant in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and all the divisions of algebra; an historian fully master of the histories of all the kingdoms of the universe; besides, I know all parts of philosophy, and have all the traditions upon my finger ends. I am a poet, an architect, nay, what is it I am not? there is nothing in nature hidden from me. Your deceased father, to whose memory I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit; he was fond of me, and spoke of me in all companies as the greatest man in the world. Out of gratitude and friendship for him, I am willing to take you into my protection, and guard you from all the evils that your stars may threaten.
At hearing this stuff, I could not forbear laughing, notwithstanding my anger. You impertinent prattler, said I, will you have done, and begin to shave me?
Sir, replied the barber to me, you affront me in calling me a prattler; on the contrary, all the world gives me the honourable title of Silent. I had six brothers that you might justly have called prattlers; and that you may know them the better, the name of the first was Bacbouc, of the second Backbarah of the third Backback, of the fourth Barbarak, of the fifth Alnaschar, of the sixth Schacabac. These indeed were impertinent noisy fellows; but as for me, who am a younger brother, I am grave and concise in my discourses.
For God's sake, gentlemen, do but suppose you had been in my place. What could I say when I felt myself so cruelly tortured? Give him three pieces of gold, said I to the slave that was my housekeeper, and send him away, that he may disturb me no more; I will not be shaved this day. Sir, said the barber, what do you mean by that? I did not come to seek for you, it was you that sent for me; and since it is so, I swear by the faith of a Mussulman, I will not stir out of these doors till I have shaved you: if you do not know my value, that is not my fault. Your deceased father did me more justice. Every time he sent for me to let blood, he made me sit down by him, and was charmed to hear the fine things I talked of. I kept him in a continual strain of admiration, and ravished him; when I had finished my discourses, My God, would he cry, you are an inexhaustible source of sciences; no man can reach the depth of your knowledge. My dear sir, said I again, you do me more honour than I deserve: If I say any thing that is fine, it is owing to the favourable audience you vouchsafe me; it is your liberality that inspires me with the sublime thoughts that have the happiness to please you. One day, when he was charmed with an admirable discourse I had made, Give him, says he, an hundred pieces of gold, and invest him with one of my richest robes. I received the present upon the spot, and presently I drew his horoscope, and found it the happiest in the world. Nay, I was grateful still, and bled him with cupping glasses.
This was not all: The barber spinned out, besides, another harangue that was a half hour long. Fatigued with hearing him, and fretted at the time which was spent before I was half ready, I did not know what to say. No, said I, it is impossible there should be such another man in the world, that takes pleasure, as you do, in making people mad.
I thought that I should succeed better if I dealt mildly with my barber. In the name of God, said I, leave off all your fine discourses, and despatch me presently; I am called to attend an affair of the last importance, as I have told you already. Then he fell a laughing: It would be a laudable thing, said he, if our minds were always in the same strain; if we were wise and prudent: however, I am willing to believe, that if you are angry with me, it is your distemper which has caused that change in your humour; and, for that reason, you stand in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and grandfather. They came and consulted me upon all occasions; and I can say, without vanity, that they always extolled my council. Pray, recollect, sir, men never succeed in their enterprises without having recourse to the advice of quick-sightedmen. The proverb tells you, a man cannot be wise without receiving advice from the wise. I am entirely at your service, and you have nothing to do but command me.
What! cannot I prevail with you then? said I, interrupting him. Leave off these long discourses which tend to nothing but to split my head to pieces, and to detain me from the place where my business lies. Shave me, I say, or be gone; with that I started up in a huff, stamping my foot against the ground.
When he saw I was angry in earnest; Sir, said he, do not be angry, we are going to begin soon. He washed my head, and fell a shaving me; but he had not given me four sweeps of his razor, when he stopped, saying, Sir, you are hasty, you should avoid these transports that come only from the devil. Besides, my merit speaks that you ought to have some more consideration for me, with respect to my age, my knowledge, and my shining virtues.